I can never tell them how i feel
Why is it so hard to be real?
I'd rather be dancing than sitting alone.
Why don't i just get up and go?
I guess 'coz happiness is so fleeting,
While only sorrow sticks around.
This is not about having a lack of self confidence and feeling shy. Well, not really. It's more about a certain cloud that tends to hang in my mind. This cloud stops me from being able to connect with others. It's like I don't have the energy to be honest and open with people. The truth is, in my heart, i want to love people. SO badly. But I'm trying not to judge myself for being sad... Because that seems a little backwards, doesn't it?
but i will wear my heart upon my sleeve, for daws to peck at.
i was in improv in high school. one time, i kind of freaked out. i was SO nervous to go on stage because everyone around me was so talented and i wasn’t sure of myself... so i went to a guy on my team and i asked for help. he told me, ‘nervousness is so similar to excitement. it’s a good thing, because it shows that you care. just give it your all. channel all of your fear into excitement and energy. it’s okay to be afraid, and you’ll be okay.’ i guess life is like improv too. i’m so afraid of things recently. afraid that people won’t like me, afraid to say how i feel, or say anything at all. i’m scared of being vulnerable and being hurt, because i KNOW i care soo much. yet somehow... i can’t hate this fear, and i can’t let it stop me from doing what i want and being who i am. i have a beautiful heart, and i’ve learned how beautiful it is to share yourself with other people. yes, i’m scared to death. but you can’t be brave if you were never scared in the first place. also, life is too precious to spend it on being anything other than genuine. it’s okay to be afraid, and i’ll be okay.
when we were in ha noi, we visited another temple and kal said to me, ‘you know that feeling you get around trees and life, that i never understood? i understand now.’ then today, i saw the way kal looked at the world around us. maybe it’s the power of worship, ancestry and life together... but something here gave them that gift. it just fills me with joy to know that the people i love get to experience this magic with me.
today i saw the most beautiful place i’ve ever seen. .
see those unripe rambutans in the top right corner? so cute. we were shown this man’s farm and we biked around the village, through the trees. i don’t have words to explain it... but i think my heart melted. back home, there are pieces of life and beauty in everything. but how this place glowed and flourished everywhere... i’m just blown away.