Can I please get some help with lighting?
Can I at least get some help with this beam?
I need some kind of direction;
I’m at SAMONS swimming upstream.
Can I please get some help with flooring,
Or with that box of screws high on the shelf?
I get screwed whenever I come here.
Which is odd ‘cause it’s, “DO IT YOURSELF!”
Ain’t it grand to feel the SANDS
Between your widdle piggies?
Even more when you’re indoors -
Housekeeping is no biggie.
You will agree it’s great to be
In our MOTEL, authentically gritty;
And you won’t mind when you keep findin’
Authentic grit in your forbidden city.
For fiber, they say drink black coffee.
For heart health, they say drink red wine.
Nutritionists are galled when I cannot recall
If it’s eight cups of water or nine.
I’ve had all I can stomach of Matcha;
“Impossible,” the doctors have vowed.
All this beverage guilt seems like a “gotcha” -
“I DRINK DR. PEPPER and I’m proud!”
If your PUEBLO has a SWIMMING POOL,
It’s basically APARTMENTS.
But one Diving Girl doesn’t qualify
As a full aquatics department.
So ask Ms. PICCARETTA,
‘Cause Mrs. DAVIS said, “No way,”
If you’re trying hard to synchronize
HOTEL water ballet.
TUCSON INN, a roadside gem
Where dreams were surely made,
By bell hops, pool boys, maître d’s,
And sultry chambermaids.
Alas, time has been a fickle
With this relic of past glory;
The ensign grand still proudly stands
To tell the motel’s story.
A wedding trip with South Seas charms -
El Paso sure has got ‘em!
Our minibars are stocked with SPAM.
And you’ll get a sandy bottom.
Our Honeymoon Suite is just the place
To forget all newlywed qualms;
Inhibitions can’t survive the shade
‘Neath HAWAIIAN ROYALE’s twin palms.
I once pulled a shiny penny
Out of a rabbit’s foot.
Where grass had grown in my front lawn
Four-leaf clovers now take root.
My horseshoes all hang right-side up;
Good fortune, there’s no doubt.
Black cats don’t dare to cross my path.
Date books leave “13th” out.
No mirrors have ever broken,
(Even when I’m looking yucky).
I walk under ladders like, “NBD.”
You can call me, MR LUCKY.
With undue familiarity,
He’ll adjust your linearity,
Twist your knobs till the focus is clear.
Where your antenna is busted,
Or just slightly rusted,
A new aerial will quickly appear.
If you show him the chassis,
He’ll probably get sassy.
He may even fiddle the spring.
After everything’s tightened,
You may ask “Who died and
Made him COLOR TV KING?”
You could stay at El Rancho Grande,
With the funds of a Di Niro.
Or hightail it to HACIENDA
With your pitiful dinero.
Either way you’ll stay REFRIGERATED.
Either way the pool is full.
Choice comes down to Buckin’ Bronco
Or a punch-drunk Raging Bull.
The HOST with the most is the ROYAL.
But if you’ve greater MOTEL concerns,
Pay no mind to the floor,
Or the bars on the door,
Or the comforters’ cigarette burns.
Just remember that during your visit,
You’ll be treated as king in his castle -
If a king cannot eat
The RESTAURANT meat
‘Cause the dental work ain’t worth the hassle.
Where is the George? Where is the Jane?
Where are the Elroy and Judy?
Where are the cars that fly ‘midst the stars?
Where is the robot on duty?
Where is the future happening now?
Where would dear Astro dwell?
Where would they stay on a space-age vacay?
CENTURY 21 MOTEL!
Gouda is good.
Brie’s even better.
And don’t get me started on Stilton and Cheddar.
By the time you’ve faced Feta,
Enough is enough.
You might get backed up - too much CHEESE ‘N STUFF.