From my journal today: “My Struggle on Blast”
A friend recently encouraged me to start posting my difficulties; my struggles. “Superman without a cape.” But it’s SO DAMN hard, & scary!! I’ve really ever only known, all my life, how to cover up; to stand strong, to fake it until you make it.
Not in a pretentious way, but as “smart business.” “Never let them see you sweat, right?” Yet, that’s when I feel most weak.
I feel the strongest when I admit my weakness; but then shrink back in fear of what people think...when I identify and verbalize my struggle. Not of yesteryear, or even yesterday, But of right now!
I wrote in my journal today.... “I feel by admitting that I’m still not where I want to be, that I somehow disqualify myself from helping others get to where they want to be.
But I’ve been through so much; enough to help others get through what they’re going through, I’m certain of it! Even if I am still working on me.
Sometimes waiting until you arrive, to reach back and help someone else, is too late.
They don’t need you when you cross the finish line; they need you while your running your race. To help them run theirs.
It makes me feel less-than to admit my struggle, but in admittance there’s awareness; and in the awareness empowerment. “I was blind, but now I see.” Being made aware is empowering enough to give me the authority to share with others, even if I haven’t yet mastered it.
I must decrease that others may increase.
Sometimes I feel my best when I’m at my worst.
I still haven’t lived up to my own ideals. I keep falling so short of my own expectations.
I’ve said I’m not successful, that’s why I’m not. Others don’t see me that way; that’s the way I see myself.
But “they” will never see me the way I want to be seen until I start seeing myself that way.
When will our world be a safe place to put our struggle on blast?
When will it be easier to “come out” than to stay in?
When will Humanity accept one another as an extension of themselves, and embrace and support one another in our collective weaknesses until we can rise to our collective strengths? Rather than judging one another
Boys go away.... I’m about to get real with the ladies. •
These pictures are not even 2 weeks apart. Ladies- just because you’re into fitness doesn’t mean your body will look 💯 all the time. This is what PMS looks like. Even when I eat clean & on point, even when I don’t miss a single workout... the 2 weeks before that time- I gain an extra 5-7pounds. NO MATTER WHAT. You know why.... hormones, water retention, slow digestion, all the things. And I go back to normal afterwards, but it’s still easy for me to get super discouraged and feel like all hope is lost. .
I’ve learned to just throw on a baggy T-shirt and just go with the flow.... literally (😂). Don’t let your body’s natural fluctuations discourage your progress. Stay consistent, even when you feel like 💩 and want to eat all the junk- ride it out, fuel your body with clean foods, DRINK WATER, and just keep going!! .
The face you make when your first home is almost completely furnished! This weekend came with an abundance of new challenges and difficult conversations but it also came with a lot of laughs, a lot of love and a ton of growth. The great part about life is that we’re not finished products, our masterpieces are still being crafted and designed. I have so much to learn, I have many areas as a person I need to work on and I’m getting there. I feel like we throw the word transparency around like its water and never truly live it, I want to live a transparent life that lets people know, I’m just like you and I have problems and I understand.
Have you ever had self-reflection weekends? How have those weekends turned out for you? Whenever a new door opens, a new opportunity for growth arises in the challenges, if we can learn to embrace them.
That moment when you speak to your biological father for the first time; while you're doing homework for your Non-fiction writing class.
I have no words. Only tears.
I don't know where to begin my writing assignment and the wine is flowing. #transparent#transperencyisNEWtome
No relationship is perfect. Sometimes arguments turn into huge fights where you lose sight of the original argument. A fight where words are be put into each other mouths, phrases are being twisted and you feel like you aren’t truly being heard. My heart hurts really fucking bad today and i can’t stop crying. I made this account to be raw and transparent with you guys and this is about as transparent as it gets. We will get through this, we always do but we are so lost in this fight right now that it’s hard to find the light at the end of this tunnel.
I don't know if anyone else has this issue, but for a really long time I had a problem being unapologetically me. I censored myself ALL THE TIME for No reason. But does it really matter if people don't like the things I do that make me Me?
I gasp when I unexpectedly hear a song I love. I wiggle from side to side when I eat food I really enjoy. I mumble to myself an insane amount when I play video games or go shopping. I cry laughing EVERY TIME I hear a pun. I play with my hair whenever I'm embarrassed. I swear like a sailor. I make songs out of every single thing I do in the kitchen while I prep food. I throw my hands excitedly up into the air when I see a someone I'm really happy to see (or a dog- usually a dog). I clap and say "I did itttt!" when I complete each workout I do.
For years I was ashamed of all of these quirks. I was told they were annoying, and that I was annoying because of them. But I'm not. It took years, but I Love these things about me. Even when I had to censor myself around the people I lived with or hung out with by doing these things more quietly or apologizing immediately after they slipped out, these "annoying" traits still remained a part of me. So they're staying, and I like them, and that's that.
The truth of the matter is that the people you should be keeping around you love the things that make you You. Or if they don't love them, they at least don't try and make you feel bad about them. Anyone can learn the things you went to school for or the job you have. Those things don't make you unique. But those tiny traits along with your life experiences and memories? No one will ever have those exact ones ever again. So embrace them - they're what make you one of a kind 😉
My friend @definitelynotkeri posted a great hashtag the other day to mark her entering her 30's and I loved it so much that I wanted have to steal it. I have to add another decade to it, however.
Quick backstory as to why I love that hashtag:
Unlike some women, I had been looking forward to turning 40 but when it finally rolled around back in Feb, it just so happened that I was going through a very dark time in my life. Despite that, with the support of my friends, particularly @kittykata, I made a conscious effort to make the best of each day and pull through it. I can't even begin to tell you what an emotionally beautiful year this has been because of it.
By no means am I trying to sugarcoat life, (it is extremely important for me to be as transparent as possible), I still have hard times but they last for moments instead of days or weeks or months.
So here is to 40 and beyond! I have never been more appreciative or happy with where I am at.