I hold very high demands on my performance and results in all areas of my life. With time I've learned to loosen the need to have every single thing under control but still it's sometimes incredibly hard to have mercy on myself. I never compare myself to others - I compare myself to some imaginative, flawless, unattainable version of me.
When I saw this picture I immediately started scrutinizing all the technical mishaps. I've mentioned earlier how this trait has driven me away from dancing - if I never feel good enough, why bother? The same thought pattern is the reason I've quit drawing as well, even though I practically lived with a pencil in my hand until adulthood. I very much recognize that when I started dancing, performing and competing the outside pressure grew as well. It was often made very clear that I'm not bendy enough, petite enough, pretty enough, thin enough, good enough. It's not the sole reason for my thoughts but it did help the seed of self scrutiny grow and prosper.
This is not a "tell me I'm good enough" story. Other people's affirmations feel nice but won't help when the problem is my own out-of-proportion expectations. Maybe this is "you can bend damn near standing split, have amazing body control and still feel useless" story. This is "somewhere in progress" story.
Photo by @annajjarvenpaa, this photoshoot was definitely a remedial experience. Thank you for letting me just move as I felt right.