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#testosterone : day 126
Pronouns: it, he
The hair on my thighs & belly is filling out, from just a few dark hairs to more general coverage. My leg hairs are also longer, darker & thicker.
Saw my dad for the first time since coming out. We didn't talk about gender but he did visibly wince every time I referred to myself in the masculine (due to Russian grammar this was pretty unavoidable). Still, I'm lucky to have a loving family, even if there's challenges right now.
My voice is so deep & I love it. I've been struggling with a lot of imposter syndrome & not feeling trans enough but it's a relief that so far I'm loving all the changes. Excited to meet with a therapist tomorrow.
It's funny to me how patriarchal people will assume I want to be a man to have power. Truthfully, to me calling myself a man is an admission of shortcoming; I do not have the empathy of women, the nonverbal communication, the patience. I was raised by powerful women & soft men & I see matriarchy as the natural social order. I feel powerful when I am femme & vulnerable when I am masc.
Talking gender with my sister reminded me of something I'd realized about a year prior: my gender is queer! As a woman I am very masculine but as a man I am almost comically feminine. Strong women are important (to be honest they're the only kind of women I've ever met) but so are soft men & personally I'd rather be a soft man (not just bc I'm gay as hell but it's one reason). Got a few happy father's day wishes from people which was very affirming. I love you & I'm proud of you.
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