Let’s get something straight. I fall into the isolating, self sabotaging, eating my emotions, falling prey to negative thoughts and words and allowing for every single thing that is bothering me to let it soak up my energy, eat my soul and shut the lights out on my fucking light that I shine so bright....most days.
But not today Satan. Not today.
Today I fight harder for me.
Today I fight for what is right for me.
Today I stand up when I FEEL.
Today I don’t let it KEEP me down. Will I fall, yes, will I isolate, yes....but not for long. I have to much to offer this life then to sit back and watch it happen in front of me.
Not today Satan. Not today.
And as I write this, I have to think of all the times in the last week that I wanted to stay down, give up, through it all in, and fuck it all!!! But I didn’t. I didn’t GIVE UP ON ME!
Sorry, not sorry....sometimes this badass needs to Pep talk herself and give herself a THAT A GIRL!!! Ya’ll been there? That dark not so fun place???? How do you get yourself out?? #allaboutthislife#darkplaces#anxietysucks#depressionfighter#notstayinglong#doepicshit#liftupothers#fightforyourself#happyjoyousfree#soberaf#recoveryisworthit#stillsober#buildeachotherup#strongwomenrock
"Here I sit 1012 days sober. Yay! I am a mother of a 7 month old (bless that beautiful ball of terror, I love her); a soon to be wife to a pretty snazzy guy; I have a career that I love and am beyond passionate about; and gosh darn it, people like me. Well some people like me… (Can’t sway them all, haha) My point is, I am living a life that I never thought possible.
And yet… I can't help but feel overwhelmed, undeserving, and overstimulated emotionally. Sure part of it is everyday hormones, (don’t get me started on hormones… hate them… like MASSIVELY) but part of it is simply that life is HARD. There are days I feel stupid, like how did technology and the work place get so complicated? Can I even do this? There are days I feel lost, like why I am sad? Why am I mad? Does my child hate me? I need to cry, I need a puppy… There are days I lose all motor skills and the ability to communicate like a well adjusted human being. Like what is even happening? Is this english, spanish, extraterrestrial? Whoa, let's figure this out. There are great days, like I am bouncing off the walls excited about life. Yay life. Life is awesome. And then there are days I just feel… well… “off”. You would think bordering on my third year of sobriety, I’d have a handle on everyday life…Whheeeeellllllpp I do not. Not. At. All." ❤️For full post and to graciously humor me head to my FB. Link in bio.❤️ #itsbeenawhile#stillsober#1012daysandcounting#onedayatatime#awkwardlysober#itsnotalwaysperfect#butitwillalwaysbeworthit
Sooooo... just got the call from the doctor and 2 out of the 5 biopsies came back cancerous. YAY lol I am super fortunate to have caught it early, treatment options shouldn't be too bad. If you are HIV Positive and on medication, unfortunately this SOMETIMES can be a result of that... granted, I am a little young for this, but I'm glad I was aware of this and had them do the screening. An ounce of prevention is a pound of cure haha my granny used to say. My spirits are still high, going to take a lot more than this to bring me down and what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger! #stillsober#hivpositive
Hi I'm here. I'm showing my face today to tell you that yesterday was meant to be my 130th day without alcohol but I ended it by drinking two vodka, lemon lime and bitters in the evening when attempting my first sober night on the town.
I feel fucking shitty about it because 1) I know better and 2) Part of me feels like I've thrown the last 4 months away and 3) my pride is a little wounded, especially because I want to serve you and others through my learnings and experiences and I feel like I've let you down.
But you know what, I didn't start this account and my blog to have one more weapon to use against myself cuz I have plenty of those already. And I didn't start talking about my journey and struggles with alcohol thinking that it would be easy nor without obstacles and slip-ups.
In fact, I'm kinda glad it happened because I'm reminded today of my humanness. Yes I am a human who will fuck up from time to time, which I hate btw because I always want to do everything perfectly hence why I struggle with alcohol...
I'm also reminded that I need to put myself and my recovery first above everything and everyone else and it will always have to be that way if I want to maintain my sobriety. And on that note, it has indeed confirmed to me that yes I do want to be sober because I have been having doubts despite how well I have been doing until yesterday. Again, it's that humanness factor - there will always be fear and doubts and fuck ups, but it's what you decide to do with them that counts.
So, I've decided to treat this as yet another helpful learning experience that is going to fuel me into the next phase of my sobriety. I'm not resetting my official sobriety date or my day counter app clock thingie majiggie because those 130 days are MINE and always will be. I did that and now I'm looking ahead to the next 130.
I'm choosing to pick myself up, to admit my humanness, to forgive myself (I will eventually), and to take the action required to get realigned with myself and my sober goals which will look like a lot of journaling, some pillow punching, a nice long walk by the ocean, cuddles with Mr Jaspy and probably a few more tears. Continued in comments 👇
I swear some of y'all dont ever learn. That shit aint fixing nothing, its not getting rid of your problem, just throwing a mask on.
Until you stop no relationship will ever work..weather its your spouse or your kids..whatever..I get its an addiction. I get its hard. But bro you aint even fighting it. THAT. Is what gets me.
Setiap hari kita berbuat dosa
Setiap hari kita berbuat maksiat
Maka ketahuilah, kelak semua itu
Akan menjadi balasan siksa yang
Beristighfarlah selalu kepada
Allah, bertaubat dan memohon
Ampun kepadanya. Karna hanya dialah sang maha pengasih, sang maha penyayang dan sang maha pengampun.
Staying strong, I almost had to take a delivery to my old xanax dealers house and I'm extremely vulnerable right now but I played the relapse tape all the way through and the consequences were too great of a risk. So I put my foot down and told my manager I was absolutely not taking the delivery. I'm really proud of myself tonight. 💜 #stillsober