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The waves kept closing in on him
He sat at the beach
Gazing at the stars that lit up the water
He thought of her
She was brighter than all of these stars.
She should have been there.
But she wasn't.
The sea breeze touched him.
Cool against his warm face.
And he thought of her again.
If she was here... It wouldn't be so quiet.
She would be laughing about something.
She would have ruined the calm and serenity.
She would make him laugh too.
And he would be glad she was there to ruin the peace.
The night doesn't have game. He didn't.
You can't always make a future with ideas. She was an idea.
Flitting in and out of his head creating moments that never happened in the past or in future would ever stand a chance.
Yet she was always there.
He found her.. In the sand beneath his feet
In the stars that lit up the sky
In the cool breeze
In the advancing waves..
He almost had her.
Almost. -Ms. Muse
~ "Never apologize for being more than they thought you should be." ~
by @wilderpoetry •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
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“Your selfies on my cracked screen”
something I wrote while reminiscing about love and love lost
I made this page originally as a private insta to have an outlet for issues and anxieties I could only trust a few to share with because at the time, I was in a semi-toxic relationship, dealing with suicidal thoughts, transitioning from high school to college, and just feeling lost in life.
That was about 2 years ago. As of yesterday, I turned 21 but I still feel lost. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to have anything figured out yet or not but I still feel the same anxieties and issues from before except this time, my friends are spread out all over, I’m in between relationships, and dealing with finding myself still so I’m feeling lonelier than ever.
I often write small little poems and songs with no music just to let some of it out to not keep it all bottled inside so I decided to revisit this page and use it as a platform to share my writing while maintaining some anonymity as I’m not comfortable sharing with just anyone if they knew who I was. These are my personal thoughts and feelings put into words and stories so that others may view. This is the negative side of me.
Deep inside your mind there is an immense forest, a fathomless black ocean of trees where your darkest thoughts live. Forgotten dreams and broken hopes repressed desires and fantasies unknown, they all go there. Whatever comes here never leaves and makes the forest grow.
Creatures live in this forest; they feed on your sadness and grief, anger and hate makes them stronger, they befriend your lies and your fears, they are in love with vice. The more they eat, the more they grow, extending this underworld realm. Sometimes it gets so big that it will cover your whole mind, and your heart gets sucked in darkness and there is very little that you can do, but to lit the forest on fire. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be very effective, because the forest always regrows.
You will never be able to destroy this part of you. Unless you want to destroy yourself. Trust me I feel your pain. I can’t tell you how to get rid of it. I can only tell you, what I saw in that forest, when walking in it myself. I made friends with the creatures in there, and I learned that they just want the same as I; some love and recognition, they want to see the light, even if it destroys them, they just want to feel alive.
It was then, when talking with one of them that had no face. He said something, something special, that made me think a lot:
“Listen you are no angel, nor demon, you are just a man. Keep following the white lady if you want, but you will never be a free man if you keep on living like that.” Thus spoke the faceless creature, and then pointed the way with his giant claw: “Go find the reckless one. Make peace with him once and for all.”
So I did...
December came with a promise of hurt and a promise of leaving too soon.
It brought me dead flowers and everything I lost this time last year.
It looked skimpy and pale, almost like every boy I've tried to make flowers out of.
December came reeking of books I've buried and dreams I do not dare dream anymore.
It came trudging and will probably leave before I ask my questions about where did they hide the sun or drown my hope.
December brought sadness,
the kind that stays even after the music stops,
Even after the end credits roll,
Even after the mourning has stopped.
But this year, December brought along a boy lost in music,
A boy so in the kind of love I only wish I was in.
He tells me it took him 2 years to comprehend what Thom Yorke was trying to say.
While I tired to feed him Lillies made out of the album 1989, he kept vomiting an autumn of post rock.
I think I now hear why.
December brought along a boy who smiles too much and his hands do more talking than his mouth does.
December came with a promise of hurt and leaving too soon and him.
I hope when all this winter decides to leave, it takes all of him and half of his music along too. -Ayesha //picture from Pinterest//
As awakenings go, self-love and body positivity also begin in their own time. You can't snap out of those patterns of thinking that have been holding you back from being yourself. Self-love is not a linear journey. It's not something you read in a self-help book and perfectly understand or adopt. But, there will be cues in surroundings, in your own life, your body and mind, that will pull you towards this journey. It's true that any form of bullying and abuse leaves us struggling to find our way back from confusion and agony. And whether it's body shaming, relationship with a narcissist (or narcissist family members), or bullying - all these abuses come with gaslighting:
"Darn, you're being so sensitive! "
"We're saying it for your own good."
"Why are you like this? "
It's going to be hard starting to listen to your own body and mind. Find your tribe. Ask for help and support when needed. Open up to what what your body and mind are trying to tell you. It's going to be a bumpy ride at some stages, but it would still be YOUR adventure.