Five years ago I quit singing. Turns out, I only stopped for three months, but in all honesty, when I made that decision to let it go, I wasn't sure if I'd ever go back. It was truly the most painful, heart-wretching decision for me to make. But I was in agony and I just needed to stop.
My anxiety was getting the better of me. Stage fright was taking away my performing joy. The daily heart palpitations and developing dark circles under my eyes were screaming at me that I had to stop. Something had to change. So I bravely said, okay universe, what's next?
And flowers are what came into my life. Specifically local flowers. I farmed for two seasons, went back to singing with a different mindset and here I am 5 years later leading a beautiful life.
Now, don't mistake that when I say that I have a beautiful life that it's a perfect one, for this account is definitely the highlights reel for me. I'm choosing the gratitude for a reason. I search for beauty in pain in order to survive it. Just like all of us, I have big life sorrows and one day I might talk more about it all.
But just know that if you're on a precipice of not knowing which way to turn, or which way to go and you feel lost, it's okay to just stop. Even if stopping doesn't feel like an option and it feels like the scariest decision you'll ever make. Know that sometimes it can be amazing when you stop and look around you and still not know the answer. Because life has a way of leading you to yourself again. And sometimes it takes you through flower fields that you didn't even know you were missing.
I'm so grateful that I stopped singing. I'm so grateful that flowers found me. I'm so grateful that I went back to singing. I'm so grateful for all the beauty, inspiration and friendships this social media has brought into my life. No, It's definitely not perfect, but pretty darned great and I will look back on it all with a grateful heart.
I have lived in a garden of limbo for what feels like a life time.
I have searched every corner, every flowers blooming, under every cherry blossom tree.
And yet silence.
It beats like a native drum.
Loud. Clear. Rawring straight at me.
Hello? Is someone there.
Hello? If what i need hiding from me?
Hello? Have you been listening this whole time?
Have you listened to me cry almost every night?
Will you show me the way?
To healing this heart ache?
Or is just me who is cursed to live in such invisible pain?
I miss you.
I miss them.
But there was never none to begin with.
I miss who i was.
But she never existed.
I can see the sun shining through the sunflowers.
Glowing my skin alive and new.
I Can feel the heat blazing down on me.
And it burns my skin alive and new.
I have searched for what feel like a life time.
For the love that will drown me in pure lust for this life.
But i am starting to believe it does not exist for me.
For i am a wonderer.
A soul searcher.
A creation of sorrow and beauty.
Scarred up inside
I am not a keeper.
I am a memory.
A stage of poor fools lifes.
Sorry I've been MIA this past week and beyond - between work, summer trips, planning my wedding (!!), and a few curveballs life has thrown my way, I've been quite the busy bee. Hopefully this cheesy smile will make up for it - this little lady is named Grasshopper and she'll be available to adopt at the @humanesocietysoco pretty soon 😍