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🚨🚨Vulnerability alert!🚨🚨 If you’ve been following me for a while now, you may have heard me say how four years ago, I didn’t even have a bed because I had to leave an emotionally abusive relationship.
Four years ago, after my very last emotionally abusive relationship, I left him without much other than my clothes. About six months prior, I had given up all my furniture to go live with him, but I had given up much more than just my furniture. I had given all my power away. I had no self respect, and I was a shell of a human being. I didn’t know how to love myself, or meet my own needs. I didn’t understand it was OK for me to have those basic human needs.
I used to have this pattern of picking narcissistic, emotionally abusive men. My choice in men stemmed from a lack of self-love. I kept playing out the patterns that were established in my early childhood. These men were not able to meet any of my emotional needs, and I would find myself hiding parts of myself, and not able to communicate my relationship needs, wants or desires because I was too afraid of being rejected by them. I needed the love so badly from others because I had no ounce of love for myself.
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic step father and a mother who wasn’t emotionally, or most times, physically available. Knowing what I know now, I don’t hold my parents or anyone else responsible for my choices in men, but I do see where these patterns were established. My mother was doing her best to get us out of the toxic, chaotic home situation, so she wasn’t able to be home very much because she worked a lot. My step father wasn’t able to be emotionally available because he dealt with his own pain by drinking excessively and watching television.
They fought a lot. So I grew up believing that if I stated my emotional needs, I would either be rejected, or that an argument would ensue. I didn’t like the feeling when my parents fought, so I learned to stay small and quiet in order to avoid any emotional abuse that would come my way. I also learned to walk on eggshells and internalize my parents needs, and take care of their needs before my own needs. Continued in comments 👇🏼👇🏼