Friday nights have always been my toughest time in recovery - if you’re out there scrolling through social media, wondering why you can’t be as “fun” or “popular” as these people you see on your feed, I’m gonna let you in on something:
Your worth isn’t found in your social life. I promise. Get some rest, you’re going to be ok. ✨
Okay it’s been 3 days and I haven’t been able to will myself to post so this might be shit but here goes....
Got home from the ER after midnight and still went to the studio and got the wee one to school. How I thought that was a good idea I don’t know but it actually worked out okay. It was good to be in the studio and straying away from the shit for a while. I did however collapse in a heap afterwards and haven’t really got back up since.
My mood has plummeted and things feel surreal and empty. I’ve been on crutches many times before but I don’t remember doing the basics on them being so hard. It doesn’t help that keeping off my leg doesn’t actually stop the pain. It helps a bit but even sitting in the shower or lying around it aches and twinges and basically hates me.
I’m really struggling to stay afloat. Everything hurts and everything is harder... I really want to be able to stay on top of recovery and keep moving forward. I’m yet to figure out how to navigate this latest obstacle but I’m determined that it won’t beat me. It’s taken the last couple of days from me but I don’t want it to take any more.
Life is tough but I gotta be tougher. Giving into the urge to give up is not going to be worth it. It would be easy, but I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I have to find a way to push forward and live despite the challenges.
I want to be a survivor and that means I have to keep fighting as hard as I can and choose what is right over what is easy.
Today was the celebratory dinner to end the camp I have been attending. This is honestly the
fanciest dinner I have ever had!! I had the dinner with my mom and all the rest of the
participants in the camp along with their +1. There was salad with ranch and a roll for appetizer,
chicken with pineapple salsa, seasonal vegetables, and cilantro lime rice for a main course(Me
and the rest of the vegetarians had tofu instead of chicken) , and cheesecake with raspberry
coulis in the shape of hearts for dessert!! It was so fancy!!! They even had waiters that walked
around and took away food when you were done and brought out the next course. At the
beginning of the meal, one of them even put my napkin in my lap for me!!!I was very stressed
though, because I don’t like eating with strangers, but I was able to eat about the same amount
as the rest of the kids. I didn’t eat half the cheesecake or the rice pilaf, but all of the other kids
also left some food too. I get so rich and I had a lot of fun talking with the other people during
the dinner!! I’m so glad I got to experience this leadership camp. They had over 1000 applicants
and only accepted 25, so I can’t believe I got in!! I’m so thankful for this opportunity, and the
whole camp was free.
One thing I have learned in recovery is that no one is to blame for my shortcomings except for myself. I’ve put myself in so many vulnerable positions, I’m sometimes convinced that I wore a sign that said “please, take another piece of me while there still is some”. I gave so much to everyone else thinking is was the only way in life, but recovery is VERY selfish. We are learning to cope and to manage our emotions like we are newborns, and that requires patience with myself and love for myself, and I don’t think I ever had that before a month ago. Though I have been sober for a while, I was what they call a “dry drunk”, which means someone who has abstained, but hasn’t learned the steps to maintaining a successful recovery. Therapy is essential, because there are things that we have done in our stupors, even if many years have passed, that we never processed or that we have not accepted. Literally, one day we are okay, and the next we realize how we affected someone or handled a situation and it makes us take 3 steps back. But we can do it together, with the love from those who love us and from the stories and support from those like us. Tomorrow is going to be my first visit with patients at the Hugely Hospital treatment program, and I am so lucky that I get to share and be a part of their lives and their recovery. Without one another, we are just another drunk in the wall. Happy Healing. #recovery#savealife#patience#onedayatatime#recoveryisworthit#loveispatient#loveiskind#plantsoverdrugs#alcoholisadrug
Sat in my car today and just yelled. Cried. Yelled some more. At what point is the universe going to stop fucking testing me!? I kept thinking.
This week, my relationships with close friends were broken, something traumatic happened and then I lost my job in the most unexpected, horrible way.
Life is really testing my ability to not walk out on myself. It's testing my ability to not relapse.
But I KNOW deep down that it will get better. It always does. I've been here before and I will get through it again. 👊
#cena : té con sabor a manzana y canela y dos galletas de arroz con mermelada de mora light
Antes de esto tuve una conversación con mi mamá y realmente quiero salir luego de todo esto, estoy tan cansada 😔 así que la otra semana veré a una nutrióloga y le pediré un plan alimenticio estricto, hasta entonces voy a tratar de hacer lo mejor que pueda por mi cuenta también
#snack : manzana verde
Hoy tampoco desayuné, iba a tomar el ensure pero me frusté y molesté así que simplemente no lo hice. Odio estooo:( mañana NO me salto el desayuno por nada del mundo, sin importar mi humor
Please sign petition to support this cause. End family separation. Also tag people who can sign too. 👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽 Link in bio of: @undocumedia Thanks to all the organizers who continue to do this work despite being busy and burning out. 🙌🏽
Am I the only one who can’t stop listening to Sober by Demi Lovato?? It’s so beautiful ❤️ If it’s possible to love her and respect her any more than I already do, then I do 😌
✮ ✮ ✮
Dinner earlier 🍽
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I remember when I first started treatment for my eating disorder I told my therapist that I wish I could just do the emotional side of recovery and not the food side. As I didn’t want anything to do with food then.
Now, I’m finding myself wishing I could just do the food side of recovery and not the emotional side. As now I don’t want anything to do with my emotions.
I’ve kept them locked away in this room for so so long-over 10 years-that I am terrified to unlock the door. I don’t think I’ve ever really let them out, even when I thought I was.
I would say “I feel worthless.” But it was almost as if I was a scientist analyzing myself. Even when I’ve cried in treatment, I’ve always removed myself as much as I could from my emotions. And the longer I kept them locked away, the harder and scarier it became to unlock them. To let them out.
But I have to. If I am ever going to truly recover. I have to.
I just wish I knew how to. I wish I was ready to. I wish I could stop myself from bottling all my emotions up. I wish I wasn’t scared to drown in them.
What do you get when you put two squares 🔲🔲 and a squiqqle 〰️ around a table?
A lot of big dreams in the making.
Instead of hitting up a party I was invited to put on by my company, I decided to stay back and talk about our lives, our goals and what we hope to achieve in the next year.
I can’t put in to words what I’ve learned and experienced already on this trip, but I know my life, our lives, will never be the same after this ✨
Some days ya just need friend time and good ol fashioned fast food chicken nuggets from McDonald’s with bbq sauce (theirs bbq is the BEST and I’m obsessed—have been since I was a little kid—and same for their nuggets). Any one else agree?? What’s your favorite place for nuggets and condiments?!
I remember back in my ED driven years I wouldn’t allow chicken nuggets or bbq or McDonald’s and especially not together.... Unless I acted on behaviors after if you get my drift. ED told me these foods were “bad” and “unhealthy” and “off limits”. Sad I was so brain washed..., just one more reason I’m thankful for recovery and my ability to say yes spontaneously to going out to eat anywhere and to give ED a big F-you 😜
This post could be very triggering don’t swipe or read ahead if this concerns you.
These are the reasons I want to recover I’m tired, tired of fighting a battle everyday in my head one I’m not winning, tired of being cold, tired of my hair falling out, tired of feeling weak, tired of scaring my friends away, tired of this hospital, tired of constantly loosing weight, tired of having doctors constantly telling me what to do, tired of not being able to do the sports I love, tired of ruining my families lives but most importantly I’m tired of fearing food and I want to be me again.
Have you ever said “when I [fill in the blank], then I’ll [fill in the blank].”
The perpetual statement of waiting for life to begin. We think we need things to be a certain way before we take a step.
Here’s the thing though. This waiting is like not living life fully while you’re here.
I was watching a video on @goal.cast earlier today with @sethgodin and he said people are afraid of dying. However, when we transfer that fear into something positive - acceptance of the inevitable and use it to drive us, to work with the fear. Then we can create a life of our dreams.
I relate to this so much. I wasn’t afraid of dying. I’m still not.
What was scarier to me was living. Living a life that felt small and unfulfilled.!That’s what was scary. That my life wouldn’t begin. I was just here - existing.
I would wake up daily asking about my purpose. What was I here to do? How could I manifest my dreams and make an impact?
Slowly, the answers began to unfold. Through my daily prayer and meditation, my conscious contact with a higher power I received guidance. Teachers began to appear through people and books. I trusted the signs the Universe was sending my way. I took steps in the direction I was guided to go in.
So today, I’m still not afraid of dying - and I’m not afraid of living either.
Tonight, I invite you to ask yourself what you are waiting for. Stop waiting. Start living.
Take your fears and work with them to push you forward. Allow that energy to move you instead of paralyze you.
It’s so powerful when we learn to work with that energy instead of trying to avoid it.
Start to harness that power my loves. Step into your life - FULLY.
I’m excited for you loves. Like really excited. How will you say YES to your life today?
Why am I sharing with you a picture of my recycling bin?
Because three years ago I was too embarrassed to show you (and my neighbours) what was in it.
Three years ago I was hiding the empty bottles of wine in my wardrobe and cupboards.
Three years ago I was THAT ashamed.
Three years ago I never thought I could stop.
Three years ago stopping was all I could think about.
Three years ago I was dreaming of a recycling bin like the one I have today.
With desire, direction and discipline I got there. And so can you.
Perhaps you're thinking about giving booze a break for a little while?
Perhaps you have a little voice inside that is calling you to take time out from wine o'clock?
Perhaps you've tried, but struggled to do it on your own?
Perhaps this is the sign you've been waiting for.
You don't have to do it on your own.
Receiving support is what changed my life for GOOD.
It doesn't mean that you have a problem.
It doesn't mean that you have to wear a label.
It doesn't mean that you're a failure.
It means that your soul has other plans for you.
And if you're still reading and you'd like to chat with me in real person, I'm here. Private message me and lets connect.
Holistic recovery is possible.
In service always.
PS shout out to @goodbuzznz @brodkvas for making sober life so much better and enjoyable ✌🏼Your non-booze options makes for a healthier happy hour.
2018 has been one of the best years of my life. For a while it was 2013, and I was nostalgic for years and never thought another year would come close. 2013 was the year I went to prom, graduated and was in my mom's wedding. I was a little out of my shell, I started getting out of the house more. But it was only for a few people that I didn't fear and it was still rare to leave the house. .
Fast forward to 2018, I have more life experience. I have loved and lost and found love again. I spend so much time out of the house socializing and working, things in 2013 I was still afraid of. I have hit rock bottom and become clean. I have the knowledge of what it's like to almost end your own life, and while sometimes I wish I didn't have to know suicide, I take it everywhere with me. I take memories of suicide and the fear in my family's eyes with me, so I can remember that my life matters. So I can know strength, since I have known weakness. .
I have travelled further than I thought possible for someone like me. I never thought I'd have reasons to leave my room, or even be able to work. I spent 24 hours in a car, to get to family who live in Oklahoma, watching the sunset and still being awake to watch the sunrise hours and states later. .
I'm moving to Oklahoma one day. I came back home a better person. I came back believing the good triumphs the bad, that I have reasons to keep moving forward! .
And I'll be damned if I don't! I didn't get this far for nothing. I know I will have bad days to come. Days I can't eat or leave my room, days I might consider relapsing again (I'm still 2 years clean), days I don't want to be here. But good things are coming for me, and I will get through the rough patches if I have to, so I can have the life I want. .
522 days ago, I made the decision to get sober. I knew when I got sober, one of the most important things I was going to have to do was mend the relationships with these people right here. Thankfully, they let me. The last time I got to see my family was March 2017, about two months after I’d gotten sober. I was openly told that they didn’t really know to expect from me at that point in time. Since then, I’ve stayed sober and rebuilt the relationships I had with them. I’m so thankful for that. Nobody wants to be around a raging alcoholic, and especially not on vacation. There have been so many family vacations and trips and memories that I wasn’t able to be a part of because my family didn’t want me around because of my drinking. I’ll never be able to explain how much that hurt. But with 522 days (and counting!) of sobriety behind me, I’ve been able to become a part of my family again. And I’m so glad I’ve been able to enjoy the past week with them and be present and in the moment.
Sorry for the really bad picture, but this was my dinner tonight at work. I was really in the mood for a hamburger and this hit the spot! When I was following my eating disorder’s voice, I would avoid beef because I thought it was “bad.” Even though it is still not easy (to ignore my disorder’s thoughts), I am so glad that I tuned out that voice in my head (telling me that I could not eat the burger). I ate the whole burger and boy, did it taste good! #recoveryisworthit#recoveryispossible#godisincontrol
SOBER in Indy!!💜🚫🥃 You can still have a time sober, don’t let YOU or anyone else tell you differently. The more comfortable you get in your own recovery the easier it is to travel and step outside the bubble. It won’t happen over night BUT it will happen, all in time.✊🏻✨
I’ve noticed in the past few months, my list of fear foods has been significantly minimized, but today I was faced with another challenge which I haven’t conquered yet in recovery:
A REAL burger from a restaurant.
I was very hesitant to challenge this as I was out of my comfort zone, in a different state, and i was also in a restaurant I was unfamiliar with with seemingly-scary foods.
I not only ordered the burger, with support and encouragement from my amazing mom, but also ordered fries and onion rings, which i split half of with my mom!
I wasn’t able to complete the whole thing, but I ate until I was full, which is also a huge accomplishment.
I’m mastering the art of staying in tune with my body and hunger cues.
Although this was a big challenge food for me, I handled it with so much more composure and willingness than I would have in the past. :)🍔
went to family therapy today and it fucking sucked! I hate my therapist cause I feel like she doesn’t get me at all. I don’t know she keeps on suggesting things that I should be feeling that I just don’t feel and she’s giving my parents suggestions of things to do that I think will just make it worse but my parents won’t listen to me cause they only believe her. idk I just feel like this therapy isn’t really working out. also my mom makes me look really bad in front of my therapist and always stretches the truth to make it seem like I’m way worse than I actually am. like she says that I don’t finish my meals and that I’m not eating the balanced diet I should be. so first of all I always finish my meals and if I don’t I replace it with ensure or another more dense food that is the same amount of calories. She knows this and my dad knows this so I just find it really fucking annoying when she just makes me look like a shit show. i think she kinda wants pitty for the shitty child she was given and like I feel bad for her but she makes all these decisions without thinking about how it will effect me and the pain that I will have to go through. I know that she’s just trying to help me but that really pisses me off and sometimes I really just hate her! also it was really funny because my therapist/doctor said that it doesn’t really matter what I eat as long and I gain weight and that kinda pissed my mom of so that was pretty funny because I was mad at her.
1 fillet Cajun salmon
2 servings or croutons
1/2 an avocado
2 tbsp raspberry dressing
1/4 cup of feta
1 whole pint of enlightened vanilla ice cream
No more starting to drink at 4pm on a Friday and continuing until 2am. 🙅🏿♀️
No more feeling horrible about guys who didn’t talk to me at the bars. 🙅🏿♀️
No more starting a sentence and forgetting my point halfway through because I had had so much to drink all evening. 🙅🏿♀️
No more long, teetering walks home (thankfully, nothing happened). 🙅🏿♀️
No more not being able to move until 11am the next morning, just to start drinking within the hour. 🙅🏿♀️
No more piecing together the black outs.🙅🏿♀️
No more promising myself that “I’d be better tonight”, only to be the exact same, or possibly worse🙅🏿♀️
My day started of bad, really, really bad. I thought for sure this weekend was ruined and I was officially going to start heading downhill again because of what happened. Luckily i had some awesome people to get me grounded and thinking logically again (took awhile but it happened). I didn’t turn my day around completely and follow my meal plan to a T, but i decided to go on a whim and challenge myself. I bought ice cream. That in of itself was a win. Then I thought about eating the ice cream without using behaviors. Another win, setting good intentions. Then I plated and ate the ice cream. Without using compensatory behaviors. Or binging. I won. I won this battle. I don’t win every battle, but when I do it gives me that much more hope that I can when the war. That happened today. It will not effect what happens tomorrow or in an hour or in a week. It happened. I did it. Just a reminder that if you’ve had a bad day, YOU can always choose to turn things around. YOU always have the last say in what happens. YOU can do this! I hope everyone is doing okay and treating their bodies(n brains) w kindness. Don’t give up or give in💜