I'm a proud lil banana keep trying new things! You never know, you may just love it!
On the topic of trying new things I went kayaking last week and it was so fun! Now I really want to go paddle boarding so I have 2ish weeks left to do that but that's okay!
What new thing have you tried recently?
Sometimes it’s the little things. The happy Demi Lovato song you dance too while cleaning. Drinking coffee at 8pm. The kind lady that says you smell nice. The friend across the country that comments “I miss you” on your Instagram post. The long talk about your eating disorder recovery journey and how proud he is of you and that you won’t look any less beautiful when you gain weight. The little girl who giggles a lot and loves geckos more than life. It’s the side hug and the sincere “I’m going to miss you so much when you leave.” Singing in the back room when you think no one can hear. Laughter with your friends until your stomach hurts. Inside jokes. Lacy bras. It’s new dry shampoo that smells like coconut. Being told your dress is pretty. Someone making an effort to get you to smile. Being told what color you are to someone and smiling because it’s exactly what you wanted to be. It’s being told “I’m proud of you” when you eat. Someone asking to hang out with you that you’re always too afraid to ask. Planning outfits with your new combat boots. Giving a compliment to a stranger. That yummy protein bar. “Hearts Don’t Break Around Here” by Ed Sheeran.
It doesn’t have to be something huge to give you a reason to keep going. To keep fighting. To be happy. Sometimes it’s just the little things.
Abilify has been suggested to me 4 times now but today the doctor and I agreed to wait and see, even still. Apparently it helps with bipolar depression in addition to mania and schizophrenia. Today I believe in feeling better and I know lithium alone won’t get me there. But to be completely honest, I’m petrified of weight gain. I have already gained weight on lithium and am at my highest weight right now. I know antipsychotics have a reputation for weight gain. I don’t judge others and intellectually I embrace weight gain even in myself, except with a past history of an eating disorder, the fear is REAL. 🧟♀️ but maybe we all have the same fear - I dunno 🤷🏻♀️ .
Someone buy me like 100 of these because these flavors are AMAZINGGGG!!❤️❤️❤️ I am in love. I had both of these between lunch and dinner while I was at the reptile zone.
Also today was the first day I’ve actually had enough water!! I’m actually hydrated today!! That may not seem that exciting but I haven’t been hydrated in awhile. In the worst of my eating disorder, I would sub water for food, and so I was very well hydrated. But once I started trying to eat again, I kinda lost that. I have to think about drinking water again. And I reached my goal today! -
Not gonna lie, I didn't have an easy delivery with Jax. I haven't had an easy recovery either. It could be a lot worse, but I will spare the details of that. At 6 weeks postpartum, my doctor told me I had stones in my gallbladder. I had been symptomatic for about a month at that point, but had no idea what it was. Friday I had surgery to remove my entire gallbladder. I'm 9 weeks postpartum and 4 days post surgery and still recovering physically and emotionally. I'm forever grateful for the support system I've had these last two months. 💕
Diastasis Recti - He is my example of ABS not DR
So i said id talk more about it. This is one of the biggest areas i will focus on. You may hear me talk about this in post partum women but this can actaully be found in men. Even some of the greatest fitness influencers with a six pack can even have this. Im not saying this gentleman has it, he is my example of abs. But as you begin to understand it more you will be able to identify it.
So it can not fully be cured, we are talking about the sepration of the tummy muscles. But it can be concealed. You can still have flat abs :) There are a few kinds of DR and those are, Open, below the navel, above the navel and completely open.
I spoke recently about uploading a video on how to identify this. I am working on it however, i am still in recovery so im trying to find a willing volenteer.
Some common questions asked, can i support/prevent this during pregnancy - yes, will i ever loose my overhang - yes, do i need surgery - no
Ask me of course, what are your concerns.
So an area of my work will be focusing on programmes that are written for postpartum women. That are safe and support the healing of DR. There are exercises to avoid and ones that can actually damage you more. One big one being the plank.
Soon you will see a little more of myself, im still in recovery. Right now i have a lovely team of photographers supporting me with my photos. This photo credit is to Nicole. Thanks.
At Joey’s karate class tonight, the instructor reviewed the meaning of self-respect: being positive, pushing through the tough times, having confidence in yourself, behaving with grace, honor, and dignity.
I think I missed this lesson growing up. Maybe I was absent the day they taught part 2 of the Golden Rule.
I thought my job was to put others first. ALWAYS. To be nice. Thoughtful. Respectful. Kind. Forgiving. Tolerant.
To make matters worse, I was afraid of conflict and didn’t know how to argue. So I always apologized. For everything and everyone. I turned the other cheek and then I turned it again. And again.
I am the daughter of a Presbyterian minister. A Kappa Kappa Gamma. A mom of three. Raised in Nebraska, where the motto is Nebraska Nice. Seriously.
I thought that the ideal of life was to become self-less.
Think about that.
Being nicer and nicer every day made me lose little pieces of my SELF. Every day.
It led me down a road of people pleasing, dishonesty, codependency, resentment and confusion. I robbed myself from knowing my wants and needs and desires. I robbed others from knowing me. I robbed myself from me.
It all sounded so “good”. Or so I thought. No one could have ever accused me of being selfish. I wasn’t rude. And most certainly, I was NEVER a bitch.
I rotated responses like, “I don’t really have an opinion.” “It doesn’t really matter.” “Whatever is totally fine.” “Of course, you can have the last piece—I wasn’t hungry anyway.” “No worries.”
This is one thing that has made getting sober harder for me. Yes, it is an exciting opportunity to figure this out, starting from scratch. But also, it’s overwhelming and it’s embarrassing. In a lot of ways it feels like I’ve just woken up from a 40 year coma.
Recently, someone asked me about my top five movies, and honestly, I didn’t even know.
I am grateful I have a chance at this. I’m doing the work and figuring it out. I am doing yoga and meditating and finding my intuition and my third eye. I’m learning my preferences and also learning how to speak up.
And more than anything, I am SO glad that my kids are learning this stuff now.
lil mini win: I was hungry like an hour before Ithe time I had "planned" to eat breakfast at, which would have ensured I eat it as late as possible (this habit started as a way to avoid feeling hungry early because I always had "lunch" vvv late when my ED first started). But I was hungry , so I ate earlier. Ok recovery is a choice you have to make multiple times a day but goddamn it's exhausting.
I hate this, I hate me. I’m really not, who I’m meant to be. Something feels wrong. Why can’t I find it? I just want to see the inside of my eyelids. When I do, I have dreams. These things cover me. Cuts all over my arm that used to be bare. Maybe I should just disappear. My thighs full of blood, maybe this is how it’s supposed to be? I feel like my blade gets duller with each cut. These dreams I don’t want to see. I hate them, I hate them all. No, why would I do this to myself? My bloody thighs aren’t a dream. I wish I could just go to sleep. Without seeing you, and seeing them. When I wake all I feel is regret. I’m sorry I feel this way, I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m just so messed up. This isn’t something you have to deal with. I stay awake, no seeing my eyelids. If I do, I see something that might come true.