For yesterday’s awesome #breakfast I had this yummy #bowlofhappiness with soy yoghurt, oats, vegan vanilla protein powder and a mixed in pear🍐, topped with a banana🍌, frozen blueberries, spelled crunchy’s and again this fantastic cocos-vanilla-spread! You can see today‘s breaki already in my story, I prepared it yesterday evening and put it overnight in the fridge so taday I only had to slice my banana and add my toppings☺️
Just a perfect start into the day! #breakfasttime is definitely the best time of the day!🌸
Bei Fragen/Anregungen oder auch so zum quatschen könnt ihr mir natürlich immer gerne über Tellonym oder eine DM schreiben🙈💖!
Today was my first full day in college! Saying goodbye to my parents and sister was super hard, but the fact that I can text, call, and FaceTime will certainly help. However, today was one of those days where I was reminded that not everyone around me is not in recovery as well. Walking over to dinner I heard an uncountable amount of people talk about how they skipped lunch and hadn’t eaten in x hours. I heard people talk about crash diets, and heard people in awe when someone talked about the Whole 30 diet. ED tried to take this day and turn it into his, but I fought harder. Today I did body check, but I ate my meals. I also spontaneously ate a mini kit Kat, and let’s face it Recovery is not about the food, but it’s ALL about the food. I hope all you have great days tomorrow. Keep fighting!
Stay strong warriors!!
Coucou mes Chouquettes,
La semaine du 15 août passée, ceux qui n'avaient pas quitté leurs lieux de vacances reviennent (à l'exception de quelques chanceux 😜). Cela signifie que mes journées ne seront plus toutes passées en solitaire ou uniquement avec ma mère. Cela me soulage car cela a tendance à faire revenir quelques signes depressifs 😔 (attention, je m'entends très bien avec elle mais disons que mes journées ont donc une certaines tendances au mimétisme)... Ana en profite parfois pour me faire culpabiliser mais j'essaie de m'occuper l'esprit pour ne pas l'entendre, mais je préfère qu'elle se présente ainsi plutôt qu'avant les repas car, même si c'est plus dur mentalement, cela ne me fait pas réduire (je me répète, mais le fait d'avoir un plan alimentaire aide beaucoup dans ces périodes là pour ne pas rechuter !).
Cela dit, je dois admettre avoir hâte que le lycée reprenne pour retrouver ma routine et ses gens, avec lesquels je me sens bien pour la plupart. Même si beaucoup de mes amis ont choisis de partir en L, nous nous sommes promis de nous voir souvent entre les cours, et faire de nouvelles rencontres est loin de me faire peur. Je suis d'ailleurs heureuse de dire que l'environnement scolaire dans son entier n'est plus si stressant pour moi, en dehors des fins d'années, depuis que j'ai quitté le collège (qui était ma pire angoisse).
Sinon, aujourd'hui, je devais voir N. Nous nous sommes rencontrées à Los Angeles car elle faisait partie des gens que nous avions retrouvés au cours des deux derniers jours. Étant dans un groupe de 13), nous n'avions pas beaucoup parlé mais elle m'a recontactée au retour et m'a proposé que l'on se revoit. J'en ai été vraiment surprise et touchée car, comme je l'ai dit, nous nous étions vraiment peu parlé ! Malheureusement, elle a eu un empêchement hier soir et a dû annuler 😕
Cependant, je ne dois pas me laisser abattre et attendre la rentrée en me laissant déprimer. Je compte donc sortir (parfois seule, d'autres avec ma mère) et essayer de voir mes amis dès qu'ils seront de retour... sans pour autant oublier de me reposer bien sûr ! 😏
Trying something new and very scary for #breakfast : unmeasured (!!) sf cornflakes with skim milk!
This is very scary since I have a fear of cereals and such (except oats: they’re a safe food option)
Overall Feeling like shit. I feel so fat and disgusting - I can’t even stand to be in my own skin, I just feel so shitty about myself.
HAHA i thought i had bought rice flour but i just bought plain flour. I was so excited to do rice flour waffles rip. Major brain fart.
Anywayss;; this was chocolate peanut butter waffle~ i used pb and flax chia seed to replace oil. And i used cacao powder so yeah yumm
The sweetest cap to a full weekend. I feel like I need to sleep for a week. Who else loves strawberry cheesecake icecream 🍦 @dreyers? .
Psalm 13:5-6 KJV
 But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.  I will sing unto the Lord , because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
It’s so crazy to think that tomorrow I start my fourth year of college! but it’s not my last, so it would feel weird to call myself a senior especially since I’ll still be a junior by credits. Music Education is typically a 5 year degree, and I might even be a little longer because I lost credit for one semester by having to take medical leave to go to treatment partway through. but really, I don’t see what the massive rush is to try and cram in college in a succinct amount of time. For me at least. I’d rather take a little longer and have less classes than do what I tried to do last semester, which was to take eight classes on top of working. One of my biggest issues in college has been overloading my workload and using the excuse of constantly being busy and active to not eat. So this semester I’m only taking 3 so I can keep recovery my biggest priority, make no excuses for skimping on my meal plan, and also so I can have the time to increase the duration of my private cello practicing while still having time to sleep at night and use self-care. I’m feeling optimistic and anxious and excited. My back has started feeling better today so I feel like my audition/chair test for community orchestra tomorrow will be fine. God always comes thru👏👏
Supper... I cried for the 10th time today at this meal because my plans did not go as I expexted, and freaked out about the way this was prepared. I wanted to harm myself and I wanted to break down from the place and go home and go into a full down 'screw it'mode. Thankfully I was in the best company and could calm myself a bit, but I feel very unhappy rn. I still cannot have a single meal out without crying, and now I cry at the unit too. School starts soon and I am lost. Sometimes I wonder if I should accept I will be sick forever...? I am still planning some challenges for next week and all, but I am worn down. I want to feel peace of mind for once.
I almost didn’t post this photo, I looked at it& thought “Jesus Allison, you look like a friggen whale”. YES I KNOW IM NOT BUT ITS SO IMPORTANT TO RECOGNIZE THAT RECOVERY FROM AN ED IS NOT JUST RELEARNING HOW TO EAT TO NOURISH YOUR BOD! ITS LEARNING HOW TO LOVE + BE KIND!
One thing I’ve learned through my ED is - we are absolutely horrible to ourselves (duh). We are both physically+verbally abusive. If my boyfriend spoke to me the same way I’ve spoken to myself - I would have dropped him like a hot potato. So why do we speak to ourselves this way? •
In the past 6 to 12 months I have gained weight. I’m no longer a size 2, I wear a size 5/7 - I’m no longer under 125 pounds, instead I’m 15 pounds heavier. I don’t feel comfortable wearing tank tops, struggle with wearing a bikini without swim shorts and I’m insecure in a dress. But I laugh more, I’m happier, I am healthy, and my mean thoughts are few & far in between. •
Being skinny didn’t solve any problems. I almost lost my relationship more than once, & I was consistently unhappy. Your eating disorder isn’t your friend. If you think you have it under control, 100% chance you don’t because you’re not in control. Happiness started when I began embracing things I once dreaded, & celebrating my insecurities. Like wearing a dress, putting on a bikini without swim short, & wearing tank tops.
“You’re so perfect” someone once said this to me years ago.🙂People also told me I could be a model. 😅I was of course flattered but it really messed with me mentally. I didn’t think I was perfect, but if someone thought that about me then I’d have to stay perfect. 😐My friends noticed that I had abs and I wanted to maintain this to be “perfect”. 🤗I couldn’t disappoint myself and them. This became an obsession. 😬I wanted to be skinny and beautiful because that’s what people had thought about me.❤️But It took me years to realize NOBODY IS PERFECT. We all have scars, stretch marks, rolls and flaws😇But I’m learning to love those things about myself. I’m learning it is okay to gain weight in order to be healthy💪🏼Striving for perfection destroyed my mental health.
💕✨ We see the recovery process as a journey towards self-awareness. Through this journey, a woman can learn to nourish herself physically, as well as emotionally, and restore a sense of balance to her life. We believe that eating disorders can be successfully treated and overcome.
Click the link in our bio to learn more!!
not to toot my own horn but like toot toot, i’m getting great at making nice cream. at least i finally found something i’m good at?? i don’t rly measure but this is one of my favorite combos - frozen banana, frozen peach, frozen riced cauliflower, and @mannaorganics toasted coconut cashew butter (seriously this nut butter is the best thing ever). i topped it with vanilla almond @bearnakedgranola and there you have a legendary breakfast.
my mood has been up and down the last couple of days, but mostly good! usually i wake up and get really upset over my hair (it’s only getting worse lol i think i’m going to live in a ponytail from now on) but yesterday, i went to a cookout (swipe to see the delicious fruit salad i made for it) with some of my best friends and then to the fair with my other friend, and it was really fun! -
my friend made these gluten & dairy free brownies (one of my other friends has a gluten allergy) and they were amazingggg so i had like 2 + a gf cookie and tbh i really don’t regret it! i was satisfied after having that amount, but if i hadn’t (which trust me, i was really debating about it) i wouldn’t have been able to be present with my friends because i would’ve just been thinking about the brownies that i wouldn’t let myself have the entire time. just another reason why honoring your cravings is sooo important 😊
today i went to the mall with some friends from my old school and it was amazing to see them & catch up with them. knowing that i was going to see them was seriously what got me through the week of school 😅 i bought a few things but we had decided to meet at orange leaf. i woke up late, like 45 minutes before i was supposed to be there, so i basically just ended up having froyo for breakfast. flexibility guys!! i feel like my posts make it seem like i eat nothing but sugary junk food but i promise i do eat vegetables too lmao. i hope everyone’s week is amazing 💕
Started Kelly Minter's 'What Love Is' study today with my big Sissy! 💟 So thankful that we can grow in our faith together while being authentic and honest about our fears, our doubts, and the places in our hearts craving hope and restoration. 🙏
Today, we studied John's description of Jesus as the Word of Life in 1 John 1. One particular discussion question encouraged us to evaluate any parts of our life that feel lifeless. Suddenly I was jolted back to a time in which every piece of my life was just that - utterly lifeless. My eating disorder was thriving, yet every other facet of my life was slipping from my fingertips at an uncontrollable speed.
Recovery, in its very essence, is choosing life. It's deciding that facing your greatest fear is better than living one more day with Ed. It's choosing life - abundant life - over mere survival.
Why then, is choosing life so incredibly difficult sometimes? Why is recovery often glamorized as a painless journey of enlightenment and self-discovery?
I admit I had an expectation that once I reached a certain point in my recovery, I would somehow be exempt from Ed's insults and the irrational comfort he provided me with for so long would be forever unappealing. (Boy, was I wrong! 😂) When Ed's abuse becomes nearly intolerable, I must remind myself to choose life. Every day, I must choose life. Jesus so graciously extends a hand of compassion, promising a life abounding with hope and promise. But He won't force it on me (or you!). It's up to us how we will respond.
Whatever mountain you may be facing today, I pray you will consider letting Him carry your burden. I pray you will accept His love and let it illuminate even the darkest and most vulnerable places of your story. I pray you will choose life 💟🙏💪 #whatloveis#edrecovery#eatingdisorderrrcovery#eatingdisorderawareness#recovery#prorecovery#chooselife#kellyminter#recoveryispossible#recoveryisworthit#thelivingroomseries
It's no secret that I was diagnosed with depression about a year ago, and I experience anxiety from time to time. It's been a hard thing to accept, but with tools like my dietitian, therapist, medication and good old prayer, I'm managing. I've been open & honest with this area of my life, because destigmatizing mental health is so important. There are people who suffer in silence, and that breaks my heart. Another helpful tool I use is Woebot. It's an app that uses a cute robot to check in with you daily and uses cognitive behavioral therapy to help you cope, and reframe negative thoughts. It was created by experts in the field of mental health & it's backed by research. As their website says, they're on a mission to make mental health tools radically accessible to everyone. If you check out the app, let me know how you like it!
I made these cookies last night, but 💩 lighting so had to wait to share. Sunday night cookie making and Netflix watching + Monday AM eating cookie for breakfast and about to do a quick walk instead of jumping RIGHT INTO my work for the day = 7+8/140 #gettinggrounded2018
Tell me something you are doing today to stay grounded. I would love to hear it!
Getting grounded is my daily reminder to check in with myself and do/have/read something to feel grounded. The struggle is real.
Just a few days until college, and the song “Love Me More” by Maggie Rose expresses the way I’m feeling towards my eating disorder tonight so, so well. Done. Tired. Ready to get out there, move on, and have a life away from this. Eight years is too long to be afraid of energy. Five years is too long to be playing with the death trap that is anorexia. And I have missed enough school days, dances, meals out with friends, laughs, and bowls of chocolate ice cream. I loved my eating disorder. I really did. I loved the comfort it gave me. The distraction. The way it took my PTSD symptoms away because my brain didn’t have enough fuel to process my past. The way it made me feel strong, invincible. The way it punished me in the ways I thought I deserved. The slow suicide and scarless self harm. It was so safe. It IS so safe.
Until the dust settles and you realize that all of this time, the oasis was a mirage. That the sand has filled your lungs and death is one quiver of a breath from claiming your last.
I don’t want that anymore.
I want to live.
I want to say goodbye. -
“I’m not gonna hide,
my light’s way too bright,
I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get living again.
Got a few scrapes, but I’m back in my skin.
Every mistake, I’m owning it.
I’m making sure I’m who I’m doing this for.
I tried things your way.
Hey, it wasn’t working out for me.
Hey, sorry but I gotta say,
I love you but I love me more.
I’m breaking the rules that almost broke me.” 💜
Today’s food so far!
Man, I have loads to update you all on. First off, last night was amazing. The show was incredible & then I went to an afterparty, drank loads of champagne, and stayed up with a bunch of friends until like 5 am. I woke up at 9ish, grabbed a cup of coffee, went to work for some aerial time, and then came home and had breakfast (at 2pm, but whatever. Timings don’t matter to me at all honestly).
breakfast -> a 2 egg omelet with mushrooms, onion, and leftover roasted asparagus on a bed of kale, arugula, spinach, and chard, cooked in goat butter and topped with cherry tomatoes and Cholula
- leftover roasted baby potatoes
- homemade bread with fresh goat cheese
- cantaloupe & blackberries
- almond milk
I lounged around the house and then had lunch:
- leftover grilled corn reheated & mixed with fresh goat cheese
- a bed of greens (same ones from earlier)
- baked chicken breast & cherry tomatoes
- roasted zucchini, baby potatoes, carrot, broccoli, and mushrooms
- a few sugar snap peas
- drizzled with homemade lemon garlic aioli
- almond milk
After that I had a massive #recoverywin !!! I was told that this week I HAD to eat an extra. And it couldn’t just be one extra exchange, it had to be an actual food. My dietician let me pick frozen yogurt (a pre-relapse fave) to have, and although I put it off until Sunday, I did it!! My best friend went with me & it was super yummy. And I feel surprisingly okay. Definitely have a few nagging intrusive thoughts & anxieties, but I did it & that’s all that matters!
- I had a mix of pineapple, mango, lemon, and green apple froyo topped with boba, strawberries, and nuts. It was delicious.
After that I came home & had my snack (no skimping!! I still have a MP to complete 💪🏼):
- loads of fruit
- homemade dark chocolate & cookie dough hummus (I used chocolate chips! And maple syrup! Ahh, go me!)
- almond milk
I’m so proud of myself right now & can’t wait to tell my team I managed the extra! Hopefully I can incorporate some more food freedom & flexibility into my life after this. I feel pretty off, but I’m just going to let it pass. This is a win; I won’t let ED tell me otherwise.
Hope you’re all well! ✨💓
One of the reasons I was so scared to give up my restrictive and obsessional eating was because I didn’t know what I would do without it. It was my HOBBY. I didn’t know this @ the time, but it was my “thing”- it’s what I did .
A lot of clients who I see who are talking about recovery or who are in depths of their ed feel the same. They wonder “what will I do with my time?” For me this was one of the scariest parts. What do I do with all the extra time I’ll have to NOT be obsessing over that? I was TERRIFIED
I knew without it that I would be forced to look at myself and figure out what Catie loves and what she wants to do. And as opposed to feeling free at that thought, I felt terror. What do I like? What am I good at? What if I’m not good at anything? What if losing weight is the only thing I know how to do? .
Eating disorders and obsessional eating rob you of a personality - of adventure, of fun. It takes YOU away and you don’t know who you are without it .
And that is scary. And then, eventually, it’s not. The freedom eventually comes. You learn you. And it’s cool. And special. And scary. And awesome
When you live in a different state from your badass warrior bestie and finally get to see her- so you can’t stop beaming with joy😍
To me, recovery means more authentic conversations, more genuine friendships, and A LOT more belly laughter❤️
What does recovery mean to you? Comment below!👇
I haven't posted in forever! I went on an amazing trip to Shambs with my fam, but my phone never left my tent, so all I have is memories that will slowly fade, but I'm happy I focused on just experiencing the moments. I had a fucking awful week back cuz I'm all out of feel-good hormones. Like hello, I'm just going to start crying on the toilet for no reason. But things are getting better, you know, more normal. Anyway, this is really the only pic I have of the trip. Check out deez melons!
Shopping haul! Got this big comfy sweatshirt, these two pairs of high waisted pants, a sweater, and a couple T-shirt’s (the other one is striped and not pictured). Happy with the clothes I really needed some new pants.
So this was a really hard shopping trip for me, I haven’t bought pants since prior to recovery. And I’m a couple sizes up. Trying to tell myself that’s okay, but the guilt is pretty high. I’m definitely having a hard time coping with that. And I also feel really guilty when people buy clothes to me, even though I know my Oma can afford it. She’s taken my sister and I school shopping every August since kindergarten, but every year my sister always ends up with more clothes than me because even as a kid I felt guilty that someone was spending so much money on me.
We went out to lunch and I managed to eat a good amount of my eggs and ham, and also some toast but no hash browns. But now we are gonna have pizza for dinner and I am absolutely panicking over that.
Anyway yeah just a little ramble of updates. I will be doing another post later based on the poll results on my story. -
Snacking on a protein bar and some super yummy and sweet strawberries 🍓 before dinner 😋. I’m just snacking on these while ordering my textbooks online for school 📚 . College is starting to feel real and it’s both exciting and nerve wracking all at once! I leave on Thursday so I’m doing some last minute shopping tomorrow at Target 🎯 with my Mama. Because I’ll be busy this week I don’t know how consistent I’ll be with training and how I’m going to adjust to the food at school 😬. I’m scared but I know that this is all GOOD and that one week of not training and eating differently won’t do ANYTHING to my body! A big change is coming but I couldn’t be more confident and optimistic 😁👍!
Long rant ahead.
*The photo with the burgundy sweater is actually from April 2015, already relapsing into depression with no ED habits. The worst habits were between November '15 and March '16.
WHY would you, as an ed patient, post so many photos of you with a feeding tube, protruding bones, and "after" photos where you're still very skinny, all tagged as #edrecovery , #anarecovery , and #healthyisthenewskinny ?! I know some people are aware of how triggering this is, so don't give me the "I just want to share my progress" bs. Making a trigger warning doesn't help; that just makes someone vulnerable feel more attracted to the post. If you're not truly engaged in recovery, then okay, that's your ow process, but don't act as if you are because it gives a false impression of what recovery is.
Now, addressing everyone with or without an ED. Most of us (patients) have/had such a poor image that we never look/looked as some Instagram recovery "idols" make you believe, all badass and with a fascinating fashion style. At 17, I used to wear the same loose, gray sweater everywhere because it let me feel hidden. At 20, my dysmorphia was so extreme I stopped going to uni because I was scared of being seen. That's why dramatic photos, numbers, or similar information isn't valuable, since it's all focused on the physique.
So please, STOP giving more importance to our weight than to our minds, ESPECIALLY if you have an ED. 🚫🏥 We say doctors shouldn't focus on someone's body mass index to diagnose them with a MENTAL illness, but then we go and act as if someone only deserves help if they're in a wheelchair. There's nothing "cool" about that, and it doesn't help anyone if we compete with each other to see who's the "sickest".
Long story short, DON'T GLAMORIZE MENTAL ILLNESSES. 🙏🏼 And know that you deserve help even if you don't look "#anarecovery enough", because that doesn't really exist (and anorexia is definitely not the only disorder out there).
As silly as this may sound, no matter how hard life may be right now, the sun will rise once more, and tomorrow is a fresh start. At the end of the day, there are 7.6 billion people in the world, and we all have our own problems, but we all have to try. My dms are always open. xx
Here’s a quick update to how I’ve been lately, as well as a big thank you to those that checked in on me throughout the last few weeks 💕🙏
Not everyday is a good day, but there is something good in everyday.
I can see how negative and closed off I can get, especially while at work or in social settings, but I’ve also noticed the immense difference within my life and my determination not to give in to my emotions and behaviour. Dealing with my mental health and trauma has been a constant struggle, sometimes it seems like it will never end, but the support system I’ve built and the people I’ve met while running errands around my small town has connected me with others in an intrusive and consistent way that forces me to face my triggers. I can’t really deal with my past yet, but that’s ok, I won’t rush this journey.
New blog post! “It seemed everyone in my life was trying to tell me how serious this was, and I thought they were all kidding.” Link in bio. .
In other news look at these adorable kitties we adopted 😍
calories today: 1160
calories burned: 88
I know that I could have done better and burned more calories. Tbh I'm kinda surprised that I didn't eat more because I'm on my period. Usually all I do on my period is eating so.. I didn't really do much today, mostly watched Netflix and played video games, so I don't have much to say. One thing that annoyed me today were my mood swings and in general my mood. I literally started to cry because my brother refused to give me a glass, stupid I know but I can't control it. I have a feeling that I'll cry and get angry a lot during this week
It's the freakin' weekend baby, I'm about to have me some fun. HELLO warriors! Quick reminder that all the experiences you’ve got on you (the good, the bad, and the ugly) they taught you and bettered you.
New blog post is up: Human connection and positive reflection - AK on recovery assets. >>Link in bio<<