it was the first of may when i had that very specific identity crisis, alone, waiting for the bus to come. i felt quite useless. there’s a lot more of me to tell, to show, to prove, but there seemed to be no way out at that exact moment.
so that was when i made the decision to seriously, seriously this time, to focus on myself, for once.
“lovable but not likable squad.” that’s what maggie and i had been referring ourselves as for a good while earlier this quarter. this is not new, everyone ~loves~ me because i just seem to be so caring and understanding to everybody.
of course i genuinely care, of course i genuinely try to be a good person. but here’s where the confession comes in—for the longest time that was the only purpose of my life and the only thing that was keeping me going.
i felt like i was made to care because perhaps i didn’t care enough when i was younger. i thought it was all my fault. i thought i’m living with a curse because why else would people keep on abandoning and leaving me? i must’ve not cared enough. i must care more. i’m not the important one. you are.
and i guess i just had enough of my own weakness on the first of may. i cried, of course, because i felt powerless. but then i got back to my dorm, and the rest was just a spiral of events that eventually led to even more things happening.
listen, really, try liking yourself first. not trying to be someone else in order to like yourself, but just to sit yourself down and try liking who you already are.
things really did work out in the oddest fashion possible this year, but everything ended up working out anyway.
but out of all of them. i’m just glad i took the time to start liking gomi first. i’m so glad i took the time first so now that i like someone else i feel okay just showing them (wow i really got used to using this pronoun huh), hey, this is exactly who i am.
i’m glad we’re here now gomi.