Breakfast ( I had a bowl of porridge made with whole milk aswell)
I had a weigh in yesterday and I maintained even though I’ve been having 3,000 cals a day? Also yesterday me and my family went out for dinner and I ordered a small margarita pizza and ended up crying after one slice 🤦♀️ i didn’t think that I would break down because when I ordered it I intended on eating it but yeah... anyways! Today’s gonna have a lot of increases because I missed my lunch, a fortisip (I have one on top of my meals everyday) and a snack just because me and my family were so busy and by the time I got home it was 8pm and I had to have a make- up dinner. Planning to post all my meals today xx
we all need it, wether it is from friends, teachers, parents, doctors, etc, or even our own minds.
i find that people struggle with being “sick enough”. we often crave the severity of those diagnoses, just one more relapse, etc.
of course, this isn’t helpful for anyone. mental health problems don’t have a “look”. but of course we need validation, and this is a way of showing the world how sick we are, how much we struggle, if it’s the number of diagnoses, number of hospital admissions, number of psychologists, drugs, near-death experiences we’ve had.
i just want to take this time to tell you: you are valid, your struggle is valid. i know how much you’ve struggled, how hard it is to cope with mental health issues and/or trauma. your struggle is not invalidated by recovery. being healthy does not mean you are not suffering. not “looking like” you have a problem does not mean it isn’t there. i see you. you are valid.-🌱
Today I ate over 1000kcal in cookies. Extreme hunger:
This morning I had my usual breakfast (porridge) although I did not feel hungry at all. About three hours later while at my internship I started to crave the cookies I was preparing for the actors. I pushed through the voice telling me to restrict and allowed myself some.💪🏽 But after enjoying about four cookies I could not stop craving them. I knew giving in to the cravings was the only way to get rid of them, so I took some more. And more. And more. I wanted to stop, not because I wanted to restrict, but because I knew I'd had more than enough. But I couldn't, the craving just wouldn't stop! Eventually, the cookie bag was empty and I had no other choice than to stop. 🤷🏼♀️
I'm really torn right now, because on one hand I tried to listen to my cravings and I enjoyed the cookies which I'm proud of. On the other hand I felt like a bottomless pit and I can't seem to control myself. Once I start to eat something I crave I can't stop until it's empty. Same happened at my night snack yesterday... 🤷🏼♀️ I am ashamed for my insatiable hunger and the amount of cookies I had...
It also makes me feel so invalid, like how can I eat tons of sugary cookies but be afraid to eat pasta? This is so confusing and I honestly don't know what to do to stop this feeling of never getting enough... Any advice would be appreciated! 🌪️
I pushed myself to get something for lunch afterwards because I knew my body needed something savory and restricting would have just upped my hunger even more...
Also I am, in no way, saying that eating over 1000kcal of cookies or sweets is bad if you want it. For me it was just really difficult, because I really wanted to stop but couldn't... I hope this makes sense, sorry for the rambling.
Stay strong lovelies, your cravings are meant to be heard.
Night snack 🤤🌟🌟
A full tub of vanilla bean @halotopuk #pintparty I had this as my night snack Because I missed one of my snacks and needed to make up the cals so I went for one of these 🤩 I made my dad go into the supermarket to get me one on the way home from the bistro we went to lmaooo he was quite surprised when I offered to have the whole tub for my night snack even though it was the same amount of cals he suggested 🤦♀️ but anyways, I hope everyone has had a good day!!
Dinner! Wanted to challenge myself with dinner tonight so the best way to do that was to go out for it! I got gammon with pineapple and mash and I scribbled out what I ended up not eating, I found the salad a struggle because it had dressing on it so I only had the lettuce at the bottom but still a huge win 💪💪💪 I would never usually have butter in my potatoes but I battled through very proud of myself !! -
This weekend was quite overwhelming food wise. I was afraid too eat TOO LITTLE, as my mom was eyeing my every movement around food while visiting our grandparents this weekend. It makes me feel trapped and then I often end up eating TOO MUCH, which both my parents like to comment on (ex: "you put too much topping on your too thick porridge, that third slice of cake was too much")🙄 I feel so MISUNDERSTOOD by them, because they don't realise how hurtful these words are to someone struggling with an restrictive eating disorder...
Anyways, I still promised myself I wouldn't purge while at my grandparents. It was hard, really hard, but guess what? I did it! 🎉
I managed to stay purge free even tho one night I was physically sick because I made porridge with cinnamon that was best before 2012 (not recommendable lol, had stomach cramps the whole night😂)
I did not want to miss out on all the delicious stuff my grandmas baked so I overcame the voice and had fruit pie, apple pie, chocolate tarte, waffles, ice cream, Whipped cream, cookies... All the good stuff. I gave myself permission to eat and enjoy it and tried to suppress the disordered voice in my head. Although it was scary and a fight with myself at and after every meal, I made it! And I'm kinda proud of that? ✨
➡️So just poppin in to tell you it is more than OK to allow yourself to eat and enjoy it and don't give a shit about what others say about your food choices! Do what makes you happy, and if that means 4 slices of cake or a porridge topped with chocolate, cookies and Nutella, then eat the damn cake and porridge 😍 AND no need to feel guilty! In recovery there is no such thing as "too much food"! Your body needs all the energy it can get to get back to a normal metabolism.⬅️
I hope you had a good weekend! Love, Lisa 😘
My best friend left me.
She told me she doesn't want to spend time with me anymore.
History repeats itself.
I am not good enough.
But this time it really is my fault:
I am relapsing back into my eating disorder more than I want to admit.
My best friend noticed.
When I first recovered earlier this year she was the one who stood by me every step of the way and supported me with everything she had.
But this time she can't help me.
She's worn out and she's done with this bullshit. She has her own history of an eating disorder and it's too much for her to take this on again.
She is graduating high school this year, she has lots of stress, she has her own problems to worry about.
She has to concentrate on herself and I support that in any way I can.
I want her to not have to worry about me!
So she pulled the breaks. She's distancing herself from me and if that's what helps her and makes her feel better, then I am not the one to beg her to stay.
Sometimes you have to let those you love go.
She still loves me.
I still love her.
But right now I do more harm to her than good.
I want her to be happy.
So I'm letting her go.
It hurts because this is completely on me! She is not weak or whiny, she's not a bad friend. I am the one who failed. My eating disorder is consuming me more and more every day and I am too weak to resist. I have scheduled a new psychiatrist appointment already because I know I need some kind of support again (although I feel so pathetic).
My eating disorder has ruined my most important friendship.
Before I don't get better, nothing will change.
➡️Our eating disorders want to rip our lives apart and see us slowly die.
They are not our friends. They are our enemies.⬅️
Please seek help and get better. No matter how hard it seems. I'm sorry for the negativity but I'm honest and I don't know what to do anymore... Love, Lisa
Real food, real protein 🌿 so happy I found these little protein bars, not only do they taste good & give me a nice amount of protein, they also give me that boost of energy before I work out 🏋🏻♀️ #getjimmywithit