After playing every damn reed in the house, making a small sacrifice to Satan and crying in the shower, I can now properly play with my @g1reeds 'higher pitched' chanter at B natural. Huzzah!
This is a beautiful reminder about grief and joy. Time doesn't heal. But you can move through it. Thank you @robyn.gray.mind.body
Two years ago I remember feeling as if it were impossible to ever feel spontaneous joy again. And I thought that if I did, it would mean something about my grief that then pushed me into a heaviness of guilt. As I meditated this morning my mind started to spontaneously talk to myself two years ago.
What I would tell myself two years ago on this day:
• It’s true. Up until now, this is the greatest pain you have ever felt. Don’t minimize it and don’t try to rush through it. • It’s true. Even though you are not alone, you are alone in your experience. Be there for yourself the way you try to be there for others. Give yourself the space, time and environment you need to be with you. • It’s true. Time does not heal. The energy you you spend during the time is what helps you heal. Be intentional. • It’s true. Joy won’t be there at first. It might not even be there for the first year. Maybe not even the second. It might even feel forced at times. And it might catch you by surprise. And it might pull you right back into the grief. It’s ok. Let go of your expectations around experiencing joy again and trust the process. • It’s true. You will feel guilty when you are enjoying life. And then it’ll pass. And then it might come back. Just acknowledge it and make room for it. There’s enough room in you to experience both joy and guilt. You don’t have to choose. • It’s true. This is the greatest loss in your life thus far. Nothing can prepare you for this loss. Not your work, your education, talking about it in therapy, feeling it in your body, talking to others who have been there, nothing. And that’s ok. You’re stronger than you think you are.
After a slow morning and a meditation at home I went for a walk and ended up at the farmers market where I saw acquaintances, dogs, babies, smelled delicious food, ate fresh fruit and bought fresh flowers. I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and joy in the subtle things in my life. Two years ago I didn’t think a day like today was possible.