MENTAL HEALTH POST. Please share to raise awareness. This is me. Last week my bipolar was so bad I just wanted to die. But I told myself that the feeling would pass; and it did.
I felt ashamed of myself and my feelings - which only then intensified them all the more. I don’t say this for your sorrow or ask for your pity. I am just a person trying to get by.
Please don’t feel sorry for me.
I want you to see the person I am. Not the illness but in order for you to see me you need to understand that bipolar and OCD make my brain work differently to yours.
Sometimes, I don’t think I understand myself or my illness - because I have always felt like this.
Mental illness is cruel and jumps out on the brightest of days. It mocks simplicity and tears down sensibility. It hurt likes grief; it is like the pain you feel when someone dies.
Intense waves of solitude follow me into the busiest of rooms.
I am always lonely.
I always try. But nothing I do is ever good enough and the voices tell me that I will never amount to much.
The simplest of tasks can be too much, too hard.
I can get overwhelmed, and when I do, sensory overload takes over. Noises become louder, everything is amplified - and I need the world to stop.
I never know when the switch is going to be turned on and the complexities will rain down on me. I do not know when the pin, the anxiety, intrusions or obsessions will start; but each day I try and surely that’s all that counts, isn’t it?
I want to be me.
I constantly recount the times I have hurt family and friends, severed meaningful relationships and embarrassed myself because I didn't take ACCOUNTABILITY my mental illness. . .
I can go on about what accountability for my MI looks like for me but the bottom line is remaining aware of how my MI is affecting my family, my friends, my relationships, my dignity and the progression of my life. With all the ugly parts that come with Bipolar Disorder, I have come a long way because I decided to hold myself accountable for my MI. .
Believe me, I am in no way trying to make living with an MI look one way but one would be very successful in sustaining themselves if they were to simply take accountability for their gift.