For my mama ❤️ It took me a while to post this. Almost a year. However thanks to @pburgess15 and @ryanupchurch, @moonshine_bandits I found the will to do it. Now this isn't my best. So #nohate#illflyaway#singing#mylove
Also a extra special thank you to @pburgess15 for always being there when I need someone. Love you ❤️❤️❤️
I know I've tried but I'm sorry I'm falling behind.
I just hope that this is the last time,
so i can bring my wings back to life.
So I'll fly,
I'll fly into the sky
So high breathing the air tonight.
Just hope you’ll be there next to me.
Just hope you'll be there in time..
You got me wrapped up like the wind next to your wings.
And if I'll fall behind, will you wait for me?
Amaryllis aka Amma (ugh, I just love writing her name😍) joined our family a few days ago. Will loved, loved, loved dogs and was counting the days until we got one again (third pic is Willy and his first beloved pup, Delilah). I hate that he isn't here, he would be over the moon. The day we came home with her Helen said, "If Willy was here, he would take Amma to his room and keep her for himself." She knows her brother. 😂
I realize there is no "fixing" us, we aren't broken. We are grieving the loss of Will for all our days on earth. I am not searching to fill a void or ease my pain. If I did, I would have 1 million puppies and a broken heart.
Anything I sought, would leave me empty handed.
My heart is feeling joy just witnessing the happiness Amma brings my children. Simultaneously, the pain catches up.
I remember reading somewhere, sometime since losing Will, that oftentimes, when you experience great loss, you end up loving more, living more, because you have experienced this immense loss and pain. I don't know if that is happening or if I am on a puppy breath high and I'm going to crash, but I'll take it.
At least a dozen times a day I hear the dreamy words "I can't believe she is ours" as they cradle her like a new baby in their arms.
A puppy doesn't fill the emptiness in our world, but in our space of loss and heartbreak, smiles and laughter are sharing space.
It is mostly cropped out due to the small squares on Instagram, but a messy counter in the background was overlooked to capture this beautiful face. Today, I smiled as I recalled the Superman pajamas Will is wearing in the first picture, one of his favorites of the many Makaio (my nephew) hand me downs he wore.
At this age, most of Will's pajamas had an attached cape. When dressed he would bring the nearest dish cloth and hair tie to have me help him create one, always including his little brother. (The third photo is included for sweetness, and because it is Makaio's 21st birthday today.) Today, for the first time, I noticed the card amidst the papers on the counter behind him:
Whatever you are, be a good one.
In some ways it feels like a sign, a mantra, something.
I was already missing the little boy you see in this photo. It changes dramatically and desperately when that little boy not only grows up and leaves your arms but then leaves the world. Sometimes these photos are *easier* to see than the more recent ones, sometimes they are even more 💔. Whatever you are, be a good one.
We are doing our best, Willy J.
Detail of a painting that I never tire of gazing into. From the first time I saw it, I couldn't leave it on the wall. I've been watching this scene unfold for 15 years. I don't even know exactly what mesmerizes me about this vision. Maybe the lift of the wind in those feathers, the miles to the snow covered mountains or the dark river below. Familiar and limitless territory. "Vultures in the Canyon" by William Crosby and (I think)(right?) @jenniferraincrosby #illflyaway#intheeyeofthebeholder
Every year for their birthday, from the time Will was an only child to Eli to Micah to Helen to Iris, I decorate the dining room with a Happy Birthday sign, balloons and crepe paper once they are in bed.
Come morning, the birthday boy or girl comes down, sleepy eyed, to a dining room full of all the decorations and their wrapped presents on the table.
I learned this fabulous and most loved tradition by catching a glance into our neighbor's house when we first moved in, seeing the mama and papa next door doing this for their little ones. The first of countless things I have learned from them.
Tonight, on the eve of Will's 17th birthday, I went down to the river once my kiddos were tucked in, to hang his sign for him.
Thank you for making me a mama, Will Joby.