"It’s not about being happy, that is the thing. I’m just trying to get through each day. I can’t keep asking myself ‘Am I happy? ‘ It just makes me more miserable. I don’t know If I believe in it, real lasting happiness, All those perky, well-adjusted people you see in movies and TV shows ? I don’t think they exist."
— Diane Nguyen
Just trying to get through each day only concerned about how much I care and love myself. Once I start thinking, maybe this person cares, maybe this person cares, no matter who it is I feel that the only human that cares about me selflessly and entirely just for my own well being over all, is me. If I am selfless towards someone I do so because that's how I feel it should be. I think people should constantly think about others not just sometimes. I admit I sometimes struggle with having a balance between fully selflessly caring about others and making sure I'm fully taken care of. I just want to be alone for a while. When I'm around people for too long it because a technical thing where things are being analyzed from a certain perspective that I don't enjoy having even if it may or may not be accurate.
I'm overwhelmed. People overwhelm me. And when people overwhelm me and also aren't selfless with me in ways that I am it makes me feel like disappearing. I know people love and need to be loved in different ways but only I understand how I truly need to be loved so I can feel that another seperate individual loves me.
Maybe that's not entirely it. I'm not sure what it is exactly. It changes as I do.
I'm just overwhelmed.
Mind if I big up my sister a likkle? So proud of my big/only sister Dr. Gertrude Fraser, an intrepid champion for fair representation of women & people of color in Science Technology Engineering & Math (STEM) fields & faculty at The University of Virginia.