60/100 ::Create movement:: Experiencing trauma makes us feel frozen and fearful in the biggest and the most quiet ways; it can seem safer to be silent, play it safe, be likable: assimilate. There are times this mode protected us, it may have saved our life. It takes time and practice to step into motion and feel free in it.
Take risks: dare yourself to speak truth out loud, don’t think before you speak, say it from your heart, tell someone how they made you feel—whether perceived good or bad, walk away from someone who treats you unfairly, talk to someone you admire, name an injustice, create a wave, incite a reaction, piss some people off. (If you are speaking the truth you will ALWAYS piss people off.) Write about your truth for 100 days on the internet. Invite controversy, quiet the fear of regret—yell it out even if you’re the only one—when everyone is too afraid; someone will be thankful to you even if they never say it.
That motion and friction will open pathways in your brain, create life in your body, even if uncomfortable—trust that welcoming feeling is healing you. Trust you can handle it because as true as it is that you’ve been hurt it is as true that you can heal.
Allow room to feel differently later, to change your mind tomorrow, to be proven wrong, to make a mistake. Trust that conflict and question will move you, grow you, evolve your life. Don’t judge yourself or your process. Trust that what feels chaotic and scary might just be living, that you are safe in truth, and beautiful in contradiction. Know you don’t owe an explanation. Put down doing it perfect. Take up doing it for you. The world needs you to.
Surrender to the absurdity of this life—and laugh. Humor helps us stay in softness, it humbles our expectations, welcomes opportunity, releases darkness. Humor helps us feel safe and easy in our truth. There is so much absurdity in the horror of trauma, it is ok to smile in your darkest hour.
Give yourself a moment of just being every last painful, ridiculous, inconceivable, and lovely thing you are. You are as you should be💛
59/100 ::Society abuses children:: Every image of a child in pain at our border, pain this country put them in, feels as if it’s breaking my being in two, tearing my heart out. The horror a child feels in reaction to trauma, that cry unanswered still rattles my soul. Abuse is abuse whether state sanctioned or illegal, at the hands of a mother, father, stranger, or person in uniform. A person who hurts children to show power is weak. A country that hurts children to show power is weak, an abomination. It is not surprising that these acts of violence against children are happening under a president with a clear narcissist personality disorder, a sociopath, a corrupt thief who uses his identity for personal gain, who uses society’s fears to manipulate: a man accused of rape and sexual assault. I know deeply how a man as ill as that will bring a child close to death without batting an eye—it has shaped my entire life.
Today I am asking our society to stop gasping in disbelief at the treatment of these children and open your eyes wide: this country is built on abuse, oppression, racism, sexism, homophobia, and hatred. It is built on blood and violence, as a society we do not consider life sacred and equal, and children do not get special treatment. Children absorb the violence and pain of all our dysfunction and thrashing around in our greed and futile grasps at illusions of safety and power. Please, stop being shocked. Please stop dissociating from truth and the state of our lives as they are. Please stop diverting eyes from ugliness because it will only end when we all remain unflinching as we stare down our demons—until we render them powerless with a united acknowledgement of their existence—until all our words and movement in the world reflect the unmoving NO our beings speak to abuse, violence, and oppression—until those privileged among us dedicate their life to protecting the vulnerable because they finally know that silence does not save them—that in fact none of us will be truly free until the last one of us is free. Our unresolved trauma is a loaded gun pointed at the next generation. Let anger fuel action and resolve to change it.
58/100 ::Fatherless:: It took the better part of today to admit tears keep coming to my eyes because it’s Father’s Day. I’ve been circling a dark void in my life; I have barely begun to acknowledge—never mind grieve—not having a father. The idea of never having a father is one I wish I could just simply walk past. I’d spent my life believing I didn’t need one, that I was stronger and more self sufficient than needing anyone at all. The truth is when I was a child I did need parents who protected me—that does not make me weak. I am still digging myself out of the deep hole they put me in with their absence and violence. I was an abused child manipulated by adults: my history of abuse is not a reflection of me at all.
A legacy of abuse, alcoholism, heavy drug use, personality disorders, adults who condone child abuse with silence: this is HOW it happened. The question of WHY—is one I don’t know the answer for. What I do know is anyone who hurts children to feel powerful is very weak. And anyone who knows they are ill, but would rather abuse than get help, is a coward. My hiding was survival, not cowardice; it was my strength.
For a long time I had good reason to fear him—now I see what he really is and I know deeply I have nothing to fear. Today knowing me and my truth are more powerful than him is easier than stepping into that tender space of loss.
Today I see myself: that unloved tormented little girl. I know she still has wounds to be tended to so I am present for them—as opposed to the decades of self-silencing—I commit to this life long conversation of healing, listening, and growing. That little girl is so strong and wise—she had a lot of reason to fear and hate men, yet she was able to grow up and choose male partners who were kind and non-abusive. She has so much faith in love prevailing and in the true nature of humanity as good—that she found and married a man who is committed to help nourish her through all this darkness, who wants to help her create a safe home for their child—and raise a little boy to be a part of the effort of reinventing masculinity in this world as the gentle and loving counterpart to femininity as it was meant to be.
If you identify as a dancer (or have a friend that does) and find that fear manifests when it’s time to sing solo, take a look at this month-long audition workshop.
In collaboration with two Motivated Community artists, @katiejtravis & @kaitlynnicole_davis, Sing Through Your Fear is designed to help dancers work through their nerves and gain more confidence for upcoming vocal auditions. Together, we work to identify the origin of these fears, explore how they affect the voice, and learn to sing through them. It's time to take control of your voice. #embraceyourvoice ***
There’s something that I would like to say to my fellow singers: you won’t always sound flawless, get use to it and embrace it. Another thing I would like to clarify: whether or not you are naturally gifted, at anything, you will have to work hard and set goals to see progress. I’m going to keep it real and let you all know that it took me a long time to embrace my voice, and I’m still working to make it better and better with every goal that I achieve. Don’t try to imitate people and don’t compare yourself to anyone, because your voice is unique and wonderful. My number one goal has always been to sing with my heart and share a bit of my life so that maybe someone will relate and feel heard. ————————————————