Today’s full day of eats! Thought I’d make a post out of it because why not 🤷🏼♀️
Breakfast: egg-white oats, strawberries & @pipandnut peanut butter.
Snack: @nybakeryco cinnamon raisin bagel with soft cheese and @picspeanutbutter peanut butter. ➖➖
Lunch: homemade peanut butter curry, veggies & a wholemeal pitta. ➖➖
Snack: banana protein smoothie with rice cakes & soft cheese. ➖➖
Dinner: @lindamccartneyfoods red onion and rosemary sausages, baby potatoes, veggies & salad. Plus a gigantic mug of coffee.
Snack: Greek yogurt with strawberries and oats, rice cakes with soft cheese and @meridianfoods almond butter & half a tub of @breyers chocolate ice cream. ➖➖
Total calories: 2,430 kcal. Calories for each meal on my story! ➖➖ Activity: 60min walk, cycle to and from the gym (25min total), 80min workout, 20min squash drills, some other general walking & then several trips up and down the stairs in my house! ➖➖
All in all: I’ve had a 💩 ton of peanut butter today and I ain’t mad about it, that peanut butter curry is freaking bomb, having bread twice won’t make you “unhealthy”, the coffee was definitely needed aaaaand the ice cream was eaten purely to make room in my freezer drawer 🤷🏼♀️ So yeah, that’s today’s eats! I hope it’s been insightful / useful / interesting. Please leave a comment and check out the poll on my story! It really helps! ➖➖
It takes the same amount of energy⚡️to hate yourself as it does to love yourself.
I think it might take even more energy to hate yourself. Every time you receive a compliment, you have to shut it down. When you look in the mirror and, for a fleeting moment, you feel pretty- you must rip yourself apart. It’s almost as if the nasty part of your brain 🧠 has you convinced that you must feel lower, and uglier, and fatter each time. “You don’t deserve anything”, it lies to you. But just as a drug becomes addicting, we learn to tolerate and seek it because suddenly it’s all we know. It almost feels hopeless.
It’s not easy to love yourself. But where has it gotten you to do nothing but tear yourself down? Challenge that voice in your head. You deserve everything.
Use your energy wisely. Choose self-love.
I'm sorry it's been so long since I last posted; it's been quite a week and not a good one at that. My birthday was on Thursday but the day before my brain unfortunately decided to malfunction. I did something so little and inconsequential and ever since then I haven't been able to go five minutes without thinking about this ridiculous little action. I even cleaned for 3 hours, ensuring that the thing I was thinking about was gone but the thought has persisted for the past week on top of all my other obsessions consequent compulsions. OCD is not a joke, it's exhausting and I'm beyond frustrated that I was having one of if not the worst episodes I've ever had during a time when I should have been happy and carefree. I was and still am absolutely fed up with my disordered brain so today I went to a doctor on campus and got prescribed fluoxetine. I am desperately hoping that it works and I will be free from my ever present and unwelcome obsessive compulsive thoughts.
#afterschoolsnack 😁✨ Yes, that is right. @benandjerrys for an afternoon snack.
I craved it, so I had it.
So today was hard, mentally.
I couldn't do gym or cc practice because of my hip 🤷🏼♀️😥
Which is why this felt even harder.
I feel disliked. Everyone dislikes me. In school, my friends, and people on here.
I better just go then.
today i realized just how much of my life i take for granted.
i am able to breathe on my own.
i can walk without restrictions.
i am fully able to communicate.
it’s so easy for us to get wrapped up in the minor inconveniences of our lives and forget about how many things we have to be grateful for.
seeing patients today reminded me that we are not entitled to our health and each day truly is a gift.
I am a survivor. I am a survivor of sexual assault. I am not a victim. It does not define me as a person. It did however take me almost 17 years to say what happened out loud and to this day I have not spoken about it in depth because I have no desire to relive those three years of my life. I share this because...While I have said it out loud my abuser walks free. He has a life and if I dwell on that or what happened it will destroy me. It’s too late to do something about it now. The only thing I can do is be honest, speak out, share my story so that others are not ashamed to share theirs. .
But please listen to me...this is not a club!!! This is not something you should be proud to say me too about. If you are saying “me too” let it be because you truly were assaulted. Let it be because you are ready to speak out. Do not say me too to become part of the movement. Support those that need the support by standing by them and helping to make sure justice is served but please do not turn what has happened to people who have truly been assaulted Into a “club, or cool thing to be part of” I say me too because I am a survivor. I say me too because I want those living in silence to know THEY are not alone. Thank you to those who fight for justice no matter the cost.
As I wrote yesterday, I want to challenge myself to dress up like I feel. For no special occasion, just for myself as something to enjoy. Actually, I mainly wear black. Dark black or middle-dark black combined with washed-out black, eventually really dark grey. :P But today, I thought it feels right to wear something colourful because it’s the last real hot day for this season – and black would have probably been an suboptimal choice for these temperatures. I fell for this red dress last year but never wore it, because there was no event. But we don’t need special events to dress up – and we don’t need to dress up for anyone but ourselves. And since I’m completely in Halloween mood, I had to choose an outfit that is kinda witchy, mystic and different from the rest of my causal wear.
But somehow, I really worried more about the length of the dress than ever – it’s definitely not too short, but rediscovering my style is an interesting process. There are so many things I love, but can I wear that, isn’t that too alternative, isn’t this too revealing? Whenever I worry, I try to find out whose voice I’m hearing - it’s definitely not my own. Finding the source of our insecurities helps a lot. Strange, how people can transform our self-perception. We should remember, whatever we do, we do it for ourselves and our well-being. It’s not important what others think as longs as it feels right to us.
dress & hand bag: @killstarco
makeup: @katvondbeauty (that highlighter though!!! 😍)
Hi! It’s been awhile! I have took a brief break from posting recently as you may or may not have noticed! This time away has been spent transitioning back to school!🙆♀️ I can officially say: I. Am. Back. In. School. Full. Time!!!!🤗🤗🤗🤗 -
It all happened on autopilot on the first day. My legs carried me forwards without my brain making the coherent idea to do so. My heart felt slow, and my mind was hazy and blurry. Then, I did it. I was in my tutor room within 5 minutes. You know what? It went fine! Nobody was persistent in knowing why I’ve been gone, nobody cared I was ‘new’, and my friends? They hadn’t changed their opinions of me. They were still there, they didn’t magically hate me for no good reason. They welcomed me back; and I’m so glad they did! -
Stress is high, pressure is high. 0 hours a week to thirty + homework is one bigass change! But guess what? I’ve never felt better.
My anxiety has dwindled massively since getting into a habit of waking early, school, homework, sleep early. Meals have become something that I do have 3x a day. I’m getting educated like my peers and it’s looking good for GCSEs! I’m exhausted, but I’m also recovering. I’m healing quickly. Anorexia is getting passed by. That stage of my life is almost complete and you know what? —
I can’t wait to live
Today was tricky. First half day of school since last (school) year and it was ok! Having a couple of issues with my friends atm. Feeling like a total outsider and it feels horrid but I’m going to keep trying🤷🏻♀️❤️
Anyways here are today’s bites☮️
30g of @nestle curiously cinnamon with frothed @alpro unsweetened almond milk. Had this SO early (6:30!) cos my mum had to whizz off to Cambridge. Also had a nectarine🥣🍑
Banana and matcha vanilla protein shake😍 SO as the morning was a rush, my mum and I had to make my shake the night before and freeze it to defrost at school. When it’s frozen it shrinks and obvs when it’s defrosted it gets a bit frosty and not thick, smooth and voluminous but v thin. So, sorry it looks crappy😅 BUT it tasted amazing! When I sat with my friends (first time in ages btw) the first thing one of them said to me was “ew that looks so gross” and then laughed with a sneer. This really triggered me. Firstly: rude😐. Secondly: I already find food extremely difficult. So I DON’T need you to make me feel crappier about drinking my SUPPLEMENT shake. Especially someone who knows what I’ve been going through😞.🍵🍌
Shell pasta with tomato sauce and broccoli again! Pudding was a bit of @alpro soya mango yoghurt and some plain, topped with @myproteinuk sugar free maple syrup. Had this when I got home after a morning of school on FaceTime with mumsie❤️
@grazedotcom honey and oat protein square🤷🏻♀️🍯
3 1/2 @waitroseandpartners chicken goujons and 3 @mccainuk potato smiley faces with broccoli and ketchup. Pudding was a blended rice cake mixed with 100g @alpro soya yoghurt to make a lil pud😁 flavoured with salted caramel @skinnymixes syrup, @myproteinuk peanut butter flavour drops and topped with 6g crushed shreddies, 5 blueberries and sf maple syrup! 🥄
Shredded apple mixed with 2 tsp @meridianfoods almond butter, some @alpro unsweetened almond milk, cinnamon, all spice and sweetener. Topped with a tbsp of @alpro soya yoghurt and sf maple syrup🍏
Hope everyone had a wonderful day. Hang in there lovelies💗
I love this graphic from @yourhappyhealthyrd ! Whether you have a diagnosable eating disorder or not, if your relationship with food resembles the images above, I encourage you to honestly question if this is what health really looks like. The concept of health is multifaceted and far more complex than we have even begun to scientifically understand. What we have found is that meaningful relationships play a critical role in our immune system and ability to live longer. I have yet to meet someone whose rigidity around food didn’t negatively impact their most valued relationships either in terms of increased isolation or irritability (hanger is REAL, y’all). Anyone who tries to convince you that there is one specific path to health (especially if it involves increased rigidity) is trying to sell you something. #healthyeating#intuitiveeating#edrecovery#Repost @yourhappyhealthyrd with @get_repost
Part 2 of “what healthy eating looks like”....have you questioned your ideas lately? We all adopt certain ways of eating, “health practices,” and belief systems centered around food and body. Many times these practices come from outside noise rather than internal cues and motivations. When this happens, things can get cloudy and we could be led astray. @foodpeacedietitian likes to compare this noise to the traffic in a busy city. This noise can be so loud that it drowns out our own intuition. Quiet down that noise and remember that nothing can be healthier for you than listening to your own voice. That voice maybe very quiet right now after years of noice. But once you get out of that heavy traffic area, you can hear it again. Have you questioned your practices lately?
Recovery is messy. When you get out of treatment, your problems are not just magically gone. I wish it was that easy. The past few weeks I have felt almost paralyzed by depression and anxiety. Constantly tired. My digestion is slowed and I’m usually painfully bloated from all the damage I have done to my body. Im not giving up, but this is the reality of recovery. Eating disorders are far more than the food. Food is just a symptom of the problem. I have had an ed for over ten years, and I can honestly say it’s no way to live. My ed has taken so much from me and it continues to tell me lies. It tells me it will help me feel better and that I can’t do anything without it. But this I know is not true. This is not easy but I know it will be worth it. #keepgoing#eatingdisorderrecovery#edrecovery#bulimiarecovery#anorexiarecovery#bingeeating
Don’t try to be interesting, be interested. People will remember, first and foremost, how much you cared.
I’m someone who has felt pressure to know it all. In high school, my whole identity was academics: my grades were the only thing that gave me a sense of being “enough.” When I started teaching yoga, I would periodically get down on myself for not knowing everything there was to know about anatomy, philosophy, and history.
What I’ve found, though, is that we are remembered for how we make others feel. When we hold space for others, when we show up with enthusiasm and excitement, when we dive into new experiences with humbleness, we are leaving lasting impressions that say more about who we are than the facts we can recite.
The more open you are about how little you know, the more you’ll know.
I haven’t always trusted that, but I do now. Admitting what we don’t know doesn’t make us seem ignorant or unworthy, it opens us to new ways of thinking, being, and interacting with the world around us.
There is a teacher inside of me that knows the path. But there is still so much I do not know, and reframing that as excitement instead of guilt has made this journey far sweeter.
Fun fact: my skin in all grey here because the calcium and sulphur in the water collected on me 😂
Recovery is not a glamourous or single step process. You will cry. You will have days when you want to give up and revert back to disordered behaviours. You will have days when you hate everything. You will have days when you lash out at everyone around you or do not understand where these mood swings are coming from. You will hate how long the weight takes to redistribute itself.
But you keep pushing on a little bit every day. Everything the eating disorder tells you to do. You do the exact opposite. Eat that ice cream. Have that cupcake. Slather nutella on your toast.
You will never hate the end result. You will never ever hate the freedom you get. You will never hate yourself for giving yourself the opportunity to have a full and happy life. Because do you really want to be in the same position in 5, 10, 20, 30 years down the line. Except alone because your friends and family don't know how to help anymore and services have deemed you to be uncooperative so limited help is coming your way.
Life is tough my darling, but you are tougher.
You will make it through this.
I swear. You will be happy. You will trip and fall on the way. But keep pushing on. You deserve to give yourself a proper chance at life. Stop giving the eating disorder anymore power right this second. Go get that flapjack and that hot chocolate and start to take care of your body because it is waiting for you to do just that.
I believe in you.
We provide a serene, nurturing setting in which women can be given a temporary reprieve from the stressors of their everyday life that may hinder the discovery of the deeper meaning embedded in their eating disorder symptoms. We believe that recognizing and identifying the adaptive function of the eating disorder can point one towards the development of life-skills necessary for resolving the eating disorder. 💕✨ Click the link in our bio to learn more!
A night snack of what your girl actually wants- raspberry jelly with 200G of berries😍🌟
So mixed to say the least😶I had a review today and my consultant is away for two weeks now basically he is still making me gain 2 more kilos even though I am not going to be comfortable at that weight but only gained 1.5 kilos in 10 and half months?!😶
HOWEVER HERE IT IS! I am allowed to go to university while inpatient !! I am allowed to go one day a week to start with 11:45am - 8pm UNESCORTED! Then in two weeks time I’m allowed to go two days a week and then in four weeks time I will be at university full time (3 days a week) ahh guys I’m so excited !! But I’m so nervous... I don’t know how I’m going to manage eating around others or anything but I guess if it doesn’t challenge you it won’t change you?! I’m going to be studying early childhood studies... I was at university for three weeks last year before getting pulled out so this is really something for me to be able to go... he supports it a lot and is glad I have an interest in something which isn’t suicide/self harm/pacing/purging
Two months ago I was having four failed suicide attempts, I was on 2-1, self harming ridiculous amounts and now I have got unescorted leave and going to university! My consultant is reasonable and I am so happy he is listening to me! I’m so thankful
I feel so hated at hospital.. the ward is so fucking bitchy I cannot stand it... the staff moan at me 24/7 and pick on me on EVERYTHING... I sleep for 3 hours top as I can’t think of anything worse then going to sleep and waking up in the same place the same night mare the same day over and over...
We are all made to have hot puddings now but I have been refusing them and having the fortisip replacement instead😶 the hot puddings terrify me! From pies, bakes, tarts, crumbles, sponges with custard and ice cream, you name it it’s on the menu! I can’t think of anything worse!
Besides this I have not purged since Friday last week! And I have not self harmed for 3 weeks!! Starting to look a bit more positive🤷🏼♀️ I may try and appeal against my section when at university more then one day a week? —
CONTINUE IN COMMENTS
Every great movement comes from within ✊🏼⠀
Friday (FINALLY). I am so whacked out this week; I’ve got comissions coming out my chocolate-starfish (vulgar term but I it always makes me laugh so yano). Always utterly and totally appreciative of the work I have put my way but not ashamed to say this week I’m facing burn out. I feel sluggy, low, tired and simultaneously impatient. ⠀
I have loads of ideas and not enough time to research/execute them. Patricks off from today for three weeks, so hopefully I’ll be able to hobbit up in my cave for a bit upstairs and actually focus on designing etc. ⠀
So, today I leave you with this humble offering, taken from a recent commission that I loved doing.⠀
Hope you all have a lovely Friday - and remember to take care of one another, and more importantly, make time to care for yourself. ⠀
S x ⠀
Wasn't going to post again tonight but I wrote a thing about recovery and it's important 💖 so please this message from the smiley bean pictured here 😂
Recovery is over glamourised. We see it everywhere don't we? The endless photos of pint parties or "healthy" meals. Countless people calling their green smoothies or handfuls of salad enough for a solid meal for a body in existential crisis. The thing is.
You cannot stay within these images on the media when recovering. You have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. You have to do what you feel is lazy and get comfortable with that because that is the only way your body can begin to repair itself. You can't eat salad 24/7. You HAVE to break apart every single rule and limitation your eating disorder put in your path.
Want to go vegan?
Great. But why? Is it for ethical purposes or are you actually just doing it to avoid the foods you've put in the box of "unhealthy" or "too calorific" in your own mind. Maybe you can do it one day, if it truly means a lot to you. But right now you have to face those fear foods. You can't shy away from them or you will only be partially recovered forever.
Obsessed with numbers? If you are in the process of having your weight checked, ask to have it done blind only to find out whether you are currently pushing enough or need to come at those walls a little harder. Try not to weigh your meals. Let's be real here. Life is far too short to count your cornflakes.
Salad bowl filled with tomato, sweet potato, corn, lettuce, cucumber, carrot and a cheesy tahini dressing! I love these kind of bowls as they are such an easy way to get in a variety of plant foods as well as so many nutrients and minerals 😍 Salads do not have to be boring! I always find them to be super satisfying and delicious especially when I incorporate a protein, starchy carb and source of healthy fat ✨💛
I feel like I’m going in circles. I go from eating so much I feel sick to eating nothing and I can’t stop. Im so ashamed and disgusted at myself and it’s just getting worse every time I binge. I’m making this account to start trying to recover, for the millionth time, but I need your help. Please let me know who to follow for inspiration and let’s connect and encourage each other 🦄
I am so willing to work hard for the life I dream of. I know that I will be a motivational speaker, I know that I will be a Counsellor, I know that I’ll work in a school and play music and do more things than I’ve dreamed of. I’m confident that the life I dream of can happen, I’ll make it happen. Through hustle, determination, getting up each time I fall and confidently seeking out my dreams- anything is possible. I have goals, and I’m going to keep working damn hard to make them happen 👊🏻💪🏻
I just left my therapist. Wow is all I can say. She took me by shock when she stopped me in my sentence and said. “Kiley, from the moment you walked in the room, I knew you were an empath.” -
She sat there and spoke to my heart. It’s like the labels and fad diets and classifications of my persona that I always tried to fit into all vanished when she told me this. She told me that I feel so deeply and am so sensitive that I feel for others on a whole new realm. This spoke so closely to my heart that I instantly started crying. -
Tears rolled down my cheek understanding exactly what she meant. As for so long I’ve known this about myself but now it made sense. I want to do so much. I have a fire in my heart to build a community to help others communicate. To take the edge of this sword and help to soothe the pain I’ve once felt and still do feel so deeply. Because the moments when unity and vulnerability are occurring. Nothing else matters. -
Recovery. Recovery exists.
What kind of therapy REALLY helps in recovery from an eating disorder? . . Do you focus on the symptoms and behaviours - OR do you need to delve into your past and unearth any lurking demons? 😈😈. From working as a therapist and my personal experience of therapy, I think both are helpful in different ways. 👌👌 In my own journey, understanding the past and coming to terms with the impact of family, school and other relationships on my development was crucial in beginning to heal and move on. 😨😢😡. It involved much ranting, analysing and repetition, before I was able to do this AND it was very hard at the time, things felt worse before better, BUT it was an emotional investment for the long-term. It was worth it. 😊😊😊 Without this, I would have become stuck - unaware - confused - unconsciously repeating those old patterns again and again. Trying to make relationships work that just couldn’t work in the way I wanted. 🛑🛑🛑 BUT once this insight was gained, the ranting began to dry up - then I was ready for learning new coping skills and strategies - a more symptom reduction approach - challenging behaviours and thoughts. This also involved lots of reading self-help, trial and error and above all, a strong desire to put the ed behind me. 🔷🔷 So personally, I think both approaches are valid. We are all different. so find what works for you. 🌟🌟 Recovery in isolation can be tricky. I would always encourage you to seek out professional help. Find a therapist who you can open up to and feel safe to share your journey with. Never give up hope. Recovery is absolutely possible. 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Dinner was nice and basic with chicken and rice✌🏻️always feel like my dinner portions are huge compared to everyone else on here but I have the same as my mum and she is perfectly healthy so I trust her judgement🙈 #teamproperportions 😉
So today I actually went for an assessment with a private therapist! I know I said I would do this one my own but my family decided that I have practically been doing it on my own for 4 years and haven't really gotten anywhere far (if anything my mental state has got worse). So I do feel incredibly guilty for them spending so much money but it just motivates me to really try for them and give it my best shot🙈 it was actually really useful and she was super lovely and calming! I feel like she really understands and gets me for once!! She's going to focus on building up the skills to help me cope with life without my eating disorder doing it for me, so just praying it works out, I know it partly has to come from me but at this point, I am just so desperate for someone to help me get better🙏🏻 Going to keep going with her for now until my NHS community therapy starts up when I make it off the dreaded waiting list😩 The community team are also a lot more concerned about my weight than they first seemed and have set up weekly doctor health checks for me, so I am feeling like I am actually finally getting a proper support system in place to help support me through🌞 onwards and upwards! -
This is what I had for "merienda".
I`m from Argentina and here we have dinner really late (like at 10 or 11 pm) so we have like a breakfast but in the afternoons.
Today I'm having soy milk, chamomile tea, 2 rice cakes with pb and jelly and 1 apple.
yesterday there was a friend visiting me. I cooked for him and we had a nice dinner. but there was something left. today I used the leftovers; I mixed the bulgur and vegetables into a dipping sauce, for me sweet potato fries. this I topped off with roasted chickpeas. really nice! I will try this more often!
How one’s life can change. For so long I thought my life would end via suicide. I tied a rope around my neck once, got ready to leap so the noose would snap shut around my windpipe. But I froze. I envisioned my niece banging at my front door awaiting a hug from her favourite aunt. I thought of my dad, my hero, cremating his youngest daughter, the daughter he was a single parent to from age five. I didn’t leap. And thank heaven and earth that I didn’t. Your suicidal thoughts - they can be controlled but you have to seek help. When you think there is no other option, think again. If you need to talk DM me. Silence is your greatest enemy. Trust me.
Just because you can run yourself ragged to please others doesn’t mean you SHOULD. /// Just because you can sacrifice your health to achieve a number on the scale doesn’t mean you SHOULD. /// Just because you can sacrifice all your wants & needs to make others happy doesn’t mean you SHOULD. /// Just because you can survive on no self-care doesn’t mean you SHOULD. /// Just because you can deprive your body of everything it wants doesn’t mean you SHOULD. /// Just because you could spend 2 hours on the stair stepper every day doesn’t mean you SHOULD. /// Just because you could violate ALL your boundaries to make other people like you doesn’t mean you SHOULD. (Or need to....or HAVE to)
Just some vids of one of my favorite exercises @ 135, 185, 205 respectively :’) Wanna grow your lower body? Add in heavy compound exercises. Oh also I’m a firm believer in mind muscle connection. Really focus on the muscles you want to target and squeeze/contract them. There’s no point in stepping foot into a gym just to throw around weights with no purpose. If you want to grow, train like it. Work your ass off for that shit, your whole ass lmao. Remember, half-ass training 👉🏽 half-ass results 🤷🏽♀️
Setting a goal weight for an event?
There have been a lot of times that I felt insecure about my body for certain events (meeting up with old friends, returning to school after the holidays, parties, dates etc) that it would trigger me to create a goal weight.
The thoughts of doing this still happen now, and it shows just how easy it is to slip into old ED habits when confronted with a triggering situation. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
What do I do?
1. I remind myself that even if I did get to that goal weight, I’d be the only one to notice, as we overanalyse ourselves 1000x more than others.
2. Whoever this event involves, deep down, I know I want them to accept me at whatever weight I am
3. Imagine if someone you knew told you they were losing weight for a event etc, you would likely tell them to not panic over something so small! And that they look great as they are RIGHT NOW. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Giving advice to your own problem as if it’s someone else’s was a HUGE help during my recovery. No it doesn’t always induce change but it does give you some perspective of the excessive/ compulsive nature anorexia has over situations like this, that really, do not matter. 🌎🌈 #anorexiarecovery#bulimiarecovery#chooseLIFEoverana#recoveryisworthit#realcovery#edrecovery#everyBODYisbeautiful#balancednotclean#healthyisthenewskinny#plantbased#vegan#progressnotperfection#2fab4ana#challengeana#bingeeating#bodypositive#eatingdisorder#ednos#healthy