Beach day ☀️ My mom took these pictures without me knowing and honestly the first thing I thought when I saw them was “ASHDKAKIFHWNQ my thighs!!!! i’m a pale ghost! i’m huge!!” But then I looked a little closer and saw that I actually look so happy. Genuinely happy. And I think that’s more important than the size of my thighs. Nothing else really matters if you aren’t happy. That was something I never was in the depths of my eating disorder. I might not always love my body now, but I am grateful for what it can do for me. For how it allows me to fully experience this beautiful adventure called life. I know none of this would be possible if it wasn’t for recovery.
💜🦋A note to the girl who will wake up tomorrow morning, inevitability hating herself for eating all the cereal and oatmeal and rice and starch the day before. ***Never feel guilty for giving yourself food. You are nurturing your body for health and happiness.*** You can not go back now, this first month is only the beginning. Everyday you are getting closer and closer to getting your life back, to getting your health back both mentally and physically. One day your weight will redistribute. One day you will have energy to focus as non food related aspects. One day you will no longer have to spend hours worrying and planning around food. One day you will find true happiness. Skinny does not equal happiness. Health does. One day This mental obsession will dissipate. I KNOW IT IS SO EASY TO RESTRICT AND FEEL SO GOOD but did it honestly? no. You are not a normal eater. Do not feel ashamed for taking your medicine. Getting back to a healthy weight is the first step. Don’t fear it!!Again, skinny does not equal happiness. Your health, relationships, goals, and laughter equals happiness. And I want to be able to laugh and live carefree once more.🦋💜 // be proud that you ate that fear food. It’s the only way to overcome these ED rules. Love yourself. Although it may seem like torture at times, you are doing this because you love yourself. And that you don’t want to return to that hellish insanity. Tbh I don’t even believe a single word I’m typing right now, but I know one day I will. Anyways, I hope that you will too😚💕 // #virtualhug#anafighter#eatittobeatit#eatandrepeat#nourishyourbody#anarecovery#anorexiarecovery
Sorry for late update! Between lunch and dinner I had one apple and one cup of chocolate milk. Then taco was dinner... and we all know how that goes. I always overeat taco, but I just love it so much? But I guess it’s good that I overeat today since my other meals have been way to small. Had also so sugarfree chocolate and soya chocolate milk after dinner too.
Tomorrow I’m going to see my therapist, and I’m kinda looking towards it and kinda not. Tomorrow I’m going to tell I’m that I really want to recover and that I want to work with that, but I’m scared that he won’t believe that I’m ready because I’m struggling so much now. We will see how it goes..
Lunch after my post SoulCycle nap // my favorite sandwich with cream cheese, tomato, lettuce, cucumber, and avocado along with an unpictured juice😍
I spent some time before eating making card and writing a letter to that instructor because she has been such an inspiration in recovery and in life. I don’t draw (or do any type of art for that matter), but I only had blank cards and I figured it would be better to give it a go 🎨 Even though they didn’t turn out perfectly — but then again, what is perfect in art🤷🏻♀️?? — but I really enjoyed making them. I’m still quite tired but I know if I take another nap, I won’t sleep at all tonight which would suck😒 I’m not too sure what my afternoon plans are, but I’m willing to bet they won’t be too interesting😂
To say that I am feeling loved is an understatement. I did SoulCycle this morning and it was my 200th ride so they made me a banner and put it out on the front desk. Everyone was so kind and had the nicest things to say before class☺️ During class, the instructor kept calling me out and talking about why she (and all of the other morning riders) love me and will miss me when I leave (I was a bright red tomato the whole time🤦🏻♀️) She also told everyone to ride tomorrow morning because it will be my last ride before I go to college😱 Class felt so good — I was LIVING for the long runs and dance moves. When I was leaving, the front desk woman gave me a goodie bag as a congrats/going away present🎁 One of the other riders gave me the nicest card and a courage key (look it up😊). Basically, everyone made me feel like a literal princess when I wasn’t expecting anything. I’m really going to miss everyone at the studio😔
So this morning I had weigh in and group. I found group really helpful and it was lovely seeing everyone again after having a few weeks off. We have a new co-facilitator and she’s really nice. She’s recovered from anorexia and it’s actually really encouraging to see what life could be like with full recovery. -
We focussed on thinking about thinking today and I think it’s such an important part of recovery (medal for the most uses of the word think in a sentence goes to me😂). No you can’t control what thoughts you have or how frequently you have them but it is up to YOU to choose which thoughts you act on and which you don’t. A thought is just that - a thought. It can’t physically make you do anything, only you can do that. I think we all need reminding of that at times! -
- (TW - talk about weigh in) Weigh in was okay, I maintained this week despite increasing my intake and my therapist was not impressed 😬 The plan is to continue on the same plan for the next couple of weeks and see what happens. She said I really need to try and cut down on the amount of exercise / compulsive walking I am doing though as that won’t be helping matters. -
I hope you all sleep well lovelies 🌻🌻-
Hey 👋 ——————————
So today, it’s pretty tough. I’m bloated and tired. I feel heavy and not so good. But yanno it’s part of being human. Healthy Women get periods. And I have mine, it’s normal to feel a bit cruddy. But I’m gonna fight back and I’m going to build up excitement for a 5 day trip away with my bestie! I’ve packed and I’m so excited. I’m also quite nervous 😟 but I know that I am strong and capable. I will live in the moment and eat what I want, when I want. It’s in times like this that we need to focus on grounding ourselves and using distractions!! Brain teasers are my saviour and cuddling my kitty x be strong fam. We can win this battle
Morning snack is this vegan and gluten free banana bread from a plant based cafe which was amazing as they make everything from scratch !! But today I almost got admitted back to hospital as my blood results came back and they weren’t good as they said my kidneys are really bad and may have permanent damage!!! This really freaks me out as I feel like I’m going so well but from the doctors on Monday my heart rate is dangerously low, low temperature and now my kidneys!!! i may have to stop doing my sport for a bit but even thinking about that kills me as it’s such a motivator and my coach told me how much stronger I am!! So confusing but I’m definitely not going back so I need to turn my stubborn head against Ana!!
This is me, at three years old, having a particularly bad body image day and contemplating behaviors while I waited for my swimming lessons.
I have an insane memory and can remember all the way back to when I was a couple months old, but this is the first memory I have of having thoughts about anything, and it just happens to be a thought about my body.
Three or four is the age most kids begin to become aware of their body’s shape and size and how much space they take up. It is also when their personality is starting to develop, but that was taken away from me really young and didn’t have my real personality until I was 16 years old. I had a fake personality. Most people with eating disorders know how much it robs you of your personality. I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I’d avoid people and drawing attention to myself. My isolation caused people to not talk to me or befriend me, which led me to believe that everyone hated me, and it was a vicious cycle. I never had any creativity and even when hanging out with friends I was so consumed with my thoughts that I had trouble doing anything fun with them. I was healthy on the outside, but dull and lifeless on the inside.
Of course, my disorder only got worse from there, but when I started recovery I was so scared because that was all I had ever known. I didn’t know what it was like a live a happy life without obsessive thoughts and I thought that my eating disorder was literally part of my personality. I was sent to ERC Denver in the fall of 2016, with no intent to get better. However, when I was released I was a new person. I was happy and bubbly and I made so many new friends. I found passion and hobbies and I was fairly decisive. I was laughing all the time, made jokes sometimes, and talked to people about anything but my body and demons. My body almost didn’t matter anymore, because I loved what was on the inside. I was free and I loved it. I was who I’ve always wanted to be, who I’ve always supposed to be.
🌻continued in comments 🌻
Current status...”uninspired” 😏 Maybe it’s the heat, maybe it’s the smoke, maybe it’s lack of sleep, maybe it’s just part of life... 🤷🏼♀️ So, what do you do when you are uninspired, in a funk or feeling stuck and sluggish? .
1. Start with water. Drink 8-16 oz because dehydration often mimics as fatigue, lethargy, depression or hunger.
2. Make yourself a cup of coffee. Maybe it’s just me but a cup of coffee always lifts my spirits!☺️☕️
3. Write down three things your thankful for. (Mine includes a happy toddler despite her blah mom😉) 4. Do one thing on your to do list. You won’t feel like it but do it anyways. You’ll feel better afterwards because you been slightly productive.
5. Move your body. Walk, run, workout, stretch, dance, do whatever feels best to move your body. Your body in action will begin overpower the inertia of being in a funk.
6. Laugh and then drink more water. (Because water is always a good idea).☺️ .
What do you do when you’re feeling off or uninspired?
Quick, easy, and delicious lunch & afternoon snack today 🌟
I’m about to head to work for some silks & lyra time, so just thought I’d pop in and remind you all how lovely, deserving, and worthy you are. Always. All the time. No exceptions.
You do not have to do anything spectacular at all to be worthy of love. You are inherently worthy. Just the fact that you exist is spectacular in and of itself. I’m drinking a cup of chai rooibos tea with coconut milk right now, and here’s my #teabagwisdom for today: “You are born wise. You are born complete.”
lunch -> big Cobb-style salad of romaine, sugar snap peas, purple cabbage, cucumber, tomato, shredded carrot, grilled sweet corn, quinoa, a few cubes of potato, turkey breast, avocado, a hard boiled egg, fresh goat cheese, chopped beet chips, toasted pepitas, Cholula, and homemade three vinegar salad dressing
snack deetz -> nice cream made of frozen bluebs, blackberries, strawberries, and peaches topped with a crumbled salt-free brown rice cake
Sooooo... I can’t tell if I killed leg day or of leg day killed me. 🍑🔥 I am DONE. BUT, I had SO much fun, totally crushed it, and (other than tearing up a little because my butt was on FIRE) truly enjoyed it all. THAT is how my attitude should be for EVERY session. No more punishing myself with exercise. I’m done with that crap. 🙅🏻 once I was done, I made my way home after stretching out, just got in my headbands and a shakey handstand practice (my whole body is so sore 😅), and am SO hungry for lunch right now. I can’t Ben tell you how ready I am for some post-workout fuel! I am having: my classic loaded salad made with baked chicken breast (in African smoke seasoning) over romaine lettuce with carrot, cucumber, garbanzo beans, almonds (raw- my FAVORITE), feta crumbles, organic hummus, and sriracha for the top! 😍👅💦 This is going to be soooo perfect for after that session! I am PUMPED! 🙌🏻 Overall, I am feeling really happy! My breakfast was bomb, my training session was great, my lunch is goin to be delicious, and I get to be home to help my sister and her friend for now! I think we’re going to get our eyebrows done later, too! 👊🏻 I have some kombucha to try later on, but I’ll post that on my story for y’all to see! It’s a minty flavor (I think), so I’m curious to try it! 🤷🏻♀️ Anyways, I’d LOVE to hear what you all have planned! Here’s to it! ✨ #foodisfuel#fuelyourbody#realfood#healthyeating#healthyliving#healthylifestyle#gainingweightiscool#girlgains#gains#fitfam#eatittobeatit#eatgoodfeelgood#healthyeats#fuelyourbody#foodisfuel#gainingweightiscool#norestriction#morechiaplease
No Machine Leg & Booty Workout 🍑🔥
Had those days when you have everything planned out but do the total opposite 🤷🏻♀️
& If you struggle with single leg deadlifts your going to love the first one! 🙌🏻
TAG A FRIEND 👯♀️
Sin máquinas entrenamiento de piernas y glúteos 🍑🔥
Tenía esos días cuando tienes todo planeado pero haces todo lo contrario 🤷🏻
¡Y si luchas con los deadlifts de una sola pierna, te va a encantar el primer exercisio ! 🙌🏻
👯♀️TA️GUEA UNA AMIGA!
Credit @dianaruizfit @dianaruizfit
So I'm a bit nervous about writing this post because it's not a subject I've talked about on here before, but it's something that's impacting me massively at the moment and it's also something I feel some people might benefit from hearing.
Just over a year ago, I was diagnosed with severe osteoporosis. The cause? All the years I've spent underweight, missing periods and just generally not fuelling my body adequately - in other words, the many years I've had suffering from an eating disorder. I won't go into all the numbers and classifications, but essentially my bone density is around 40% lower than what it should be - which means my bones are in an extremely bad way.
It's taken a while, but I HAVE been making progress. I've put on a significant amount of weight - one of the most important things for trying to build bone mass after an ED - and I've recently regained my periods. But I've also been suffering with more and more back pain and more and more neck pain. I'm still underweight, and just last week? I fractured a rib. From rolling over in bed.
The pain has been excruciating. I can't move or breathe or cough or sneeze or laugh or even cry without being in agony, which doesn't really leave many options. But worse than the pain has been the feeling of utter hopelessness. As far my weight goes and my relationship with food, I'm in the best place I've been in nearly a decade, but now it feels like too little too late. Is this really what I'm facing? A life where I can't even roll over for fear of breaking a bone? I'm so angry. At the doctors, at myself, at this stupid stupid illness.
I'm not writing this post just to scare people. I think most people KNOW that if they don't give the bodies the nourishment they need, they will ultimately suffer. Bodies are remarkable things, but they're not magic. I'm not naïve enough to think this post alone will push people to recover, either. I've said it before and I'll say it again: eating disorders are NOT A CHOICE. You can't just decide to be done with one any more than you can decide to get one in the first place. It doesn't work like that. [Cont'd in comments]
this was my dinner and fuck it looked great and tasted great 😍😍 so i have some FULL FAT HUMMUS (i always used to have reduced if i had a choice), an avocado, cherry tomatoes, falafels and a mix of spinach and peas (it’s great, trust me) 🥑🍅 anxiety is through the roof both about food and results day (next thursday for me) ngl im just anxious 24/7 atm and i havent felt this anxious since exams tbh so things arent too good tbh x
morninggg! i have now been in school a full week and am desperately craving fall. i want pumpkin spice! and orange leaves! anyway, things are pretty good rn and i’m hoping to keep them that way. this time last year i was deep into my ed and i am not going back to that. i whipped up this breakfast in response to my desperate need for autumn!
bfast 👉 pumpkin spiced oats with almond butter
(This may be triggering for some 💕) In both of these photos I am struggling. But on the left, I was one month into ‘recovery’- I was constantly skimping on food, lying to my family and secretly exercising. On the right I am putting up a fight, challenging thoughts and learning to nourish my body. Looking at these photos, I’ve seen how far I’ve come not only physically but mentally. In 7 months Ive been able to gain 6kg & I have 7kg to go until I’m weight restored :) it has been a very bumpy road but I’ve made it this far and grown as a person because of it. I still have far to go mentally but I’m not as spaced out, cold and anxious as I used to be. I have made many achievements, from holding a conversation with someone to challenging fear foods which have made me stronger and happier. Though I am napping a lot (which is a huge win for me) I have more energy to do things like going out to see my friends and going for little walks down my street. On the left, I was almost sleep walking everywhere, my long, tiring walks and runs were fuelled by only a couple grapes or half of a small apple. I have now learnt to fuel my body properly on active and non active days. I’m going to keep going, I will fight through my relapse urges, re-feed my body and see where it takes me. / I hope you’ve had a lovely day 💛 (I was really nervous to post this)
Dinner was insanely late to the point where I thought of skipping it like what's the point? It was sweet potato and chickpea soup and a fruit salad.
This was only meant to be a light meal but I still feel stuffed as hell. I just feel like I'll explode.
We went boat sighting after snack and had a longgg drive back.
Afternoon snack is a few frozen watermelon cubes and some trail mix I threw together with popcorn, kashi cereal, and nuts! Also had the two more of the belvita biscuits (unpictured)
I’m feeling a little guilty because it feels like I’m eating a lot to Ana but I know I’m just eating a little of a bunch of different things. And my extreme hunger is really bad right now.
Middag som jag gjorde nyss👇
Linsbiffar, en blandning av spenat och grönkål, quinoa, paprika och SÅS på turkisk youghurt och vitlök😁
Jag har känt mig så konstig hela dagen idag, varit trött, orkeslös och inte haft någon energi till någonting. Så innan funderade jag på om jag kanske inte fått i mig tillräckligt med protein och de näringsämne jag behöver som vegetarian på sistone? Jag vet inte, men jag bestämde mig iallafall för att göra en riktigt bra och näringsrik middag😊 TILL OCH MED MED SÅS, för jag vet att jag behöver det även om det tar emot!
Jag känner verkligen att jag vill bli frisk just nu. Jag vill bli frisk så att jag kan få börja träna och bli vegan. Det är vad som inspirerar mig och får mig att fortsätta👊