“Sublime Divide” ➿find the print and more process photos on my blog milliemichaels.com ➿link in bio.
I hardly ever remember my dreams, but when I do they are usually scary, violent, or mournful. My father coming to me to tell me to take care of the family, knowing in the dream that his death is imminent. My daughter falling gracefully through the air, fear overtaking her angelic face, as she falls to her death. The darkness like a wall around me as I am slashed by a masked pursuer, my blood coppery on my tongue. My brother cocooned in sticky, shining decay as he utters the word “mommy”. Always the end, always the fear, always the loss.
I don’t know why that’s what bubbles up to memory. Maybe because it wakes me up as my system is flooded by stress and fear. I wake up with my heart pounding and wide awake. So very awake. And with perfect, crystalline memory of the tragedy. The smell of the piney wind by the cliff. The stickiness of the slime. The humid darkness. The echoing silence after the loss.
In my everyday life, I’ve worked incredibly hard not to be fearful. I’ve pushed myself to move beyond my self imposed boundaries and create a beautiful, fulfilling life. And I do things that used to scare me in that weirdly modern way that makes you feel that aching aloneness in a sea of people. Going to the movies alone. Eating alone at restaurants. Traveling alone. And I love it. I really, truly do. But sometimes I find myself with my heart fluttering like a terrified bird trying to escape the prison of my rib cage. That fear that you can’t put your finger on. There is no real danger. There is no one after you. The fear of the unknown maybe. The fear of being alone. Not just alone. Alone always. Maybe that is the fear. The fear that being alone is homey and cosey and uncomplicated. Maybe that is the nightmare fuel - that the few people very close to me will leave me alone. That I couldn’t do anything to stop it. That I lost them to fear and pain. And in reality, alone is how we are most of the time. And in the end, we all leave this world completely alone.
Maybe that is why I love drawing conjoined things so much. It is the opposite of alone.
THEY'RE HERE!!! New family members have just arrived here at Ms. Panda's Home for Wayward Bears...introducing the Grizzly Twins, Dexter & Zurdo! 🧡🐻🐻🧡 They are the work of @mr_lady_stardust & they are just wonderful. Check out her other stuffies, they're darkly 'dorbs & I need them all.