I hate pretty pictures. The fake kind. The ones where people dress up and smile because it's "what you do." I hate the insincere "how are you" and the monotonous "goods" and "fines" that mean nothing and simply serve to make us feel better. I hate telling people I'm not okay and having them go "but at least..." or "it'll get better" or another form of trying to make something that's not okay okay. I'm not a pessimistic person. I think I'm actually quite optimistic. I believe the world can change for the better. I hope in hopeless situations. I celebrate the darkness. But my life has been hell and it's currently not okay and I am hurting and struggling and I don't want to pretend like any of this is okay. I'm doing it, yes. I am kicking ass in my recovery and that is something to celebrate. I have done impossible things and continue to do and achieve way more than any doctor, teacher, or professional ever thought was possible. As I remain honest and humble and hold tight to my truth, I'm finally having my past abuse validated and believed after 28 years. But I am not okay. That's why I'm not going to church right now. I'm not upset with God. I miss my pastors so much. But church has strayed so far from what it should be where we gossip behind the backs of people we feel are "disrespecting God" by what they wear or how much the cuss. Fuck, y'all, yesterday I shot hoops in the church's parking lot barefoot, in just overalls and a sports bra. I wanted to go in so badly, but I knew I'd be judged. The one person I talked to whom I haven't for a long time did all those things I said I'm sick of. I love her. She's a good person and one of my best friends. But I am not okay and I want to be not okay and I want that validated. I don't want to play dress up. I am fighting SO hard right now to be doing what I am. I couldn't love God more and I really miss my church. I hope I become strong enough to return and to dress nicely and smile sincerely. I want to belong there and be accepted without being judged or have my bleeding heart invalidated. I miss the psych hospital and love the participants at my new job who don't hide their pain or brokenness. Brokenness is not bad.
Psalm 51:7 “Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me— now let me rejoice. 9 Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. 11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.” Amen. 😁😇