Tonight’s thirsty Thursday is dedicated to my sweet crazy forgetful scatter brain boy!!! He may sleep a lot but he makes up for it when he is awake. First he lost his wallet which had my credit card, debit card and every bit of cash I had, then it was his ski gloves followed by the call from New Hampshire “ I think I locked the keys in the car” fortunately I found his wallet on his disastrous bedroom floor when I went in to check for the gloves. Then came the call “the car was actually unlocked with the keys sitting inside” so all and all it all worked out minus the lost ski gloves. Can’t wait to see how many additional calls I get this weekend. As long as all the calls are lost or missing things I’ll be happy. #treehousebrewing#boymom#chronicillnesswarrior#invisibleillness
I think what I long for in my personal season of uncertainty and upsidedownness—more than joy or happiness or even hope—is simply PEACE.⠀
I desire deeply to be untroubled in my spirit. To be able to truly rest. To develop a non-anxious presence. To be settled in the face of all this uncertainty. I long to immerse myself in peace—to be stained by it, body, mind, heart, and soul.⠀
There are days when I catch the scent of it carried on the wind as it gusts around me momentarily then blusters on. But like the breeze on a hot, sticky day, it never stays. And I am left restless and wanting.⠀
Then there are days when, rather than waiting on the wind to bring it to me, I go out in search of it, instead. But in the searching I find that the hunt for peace is anxiety-ridden, as it is a skittish prey—quick to be spooked or startled away. I return more fitful than I left.⠀
But then, in my flustered state, I am once again reminded (not often enough, as worry makes one’s memory short) that there is one whose name himself is Peace—one who, according to my faith tradition, not only lives among us but within us.⠀
And this means peace has been mine, all along. Sitting quietly amid my internal clamoring, patiently waiting for me to see him, to stand still, to make eye contact.⠀
And when our eyes lock, all that I can’t do on my own is accomplished as the inner screeching of my body and mind is silenced without me lifting a thought or a finger.⠀
Fear is a ruthless captor. And its tyrannical hold on my life has oppressed me for decades, just as it tries to do now. ⠀
When my eyes stay on he whose name is PEACE, I am free.⠀
I spent years and years avoiding talking about my health with anyone. Doctors told me I was healthy or that it must be all in my head. Calling you anything was better than calling you ‘I don’t know’ so I made up some names for you along the way.
I called you depression, fibro myalgia, PTSD, anxiety, black mold poisoning, adrenal fatigue, and even karma. I also made up names for myself. I called myself lazy, weak, a liar, not pushing hard enough, and broken.
But then, I finally met some angels who got you to tell them your name. And I stopped calling myself fake names too.
Learning what to call you helped me learn who I am. You are in my DNA and a part of me, even though I’m the only one who can see you.
And I will keep screaming your name from the rooftops until everyone knows what to call you, and I will try to show them what you look like.
Now I call myself a constellation and I call you Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I don’t always love you, I don’t always even accept you, but at least I know your name. And that changes everything.” - @stevieboebi 📸: @marsupialpudding
An open letter to my younger self,
There’s a lot I want to say to you. In fact, I don’t even really know where to begin. As you grow up, you’re going to go through a lot of terrifying, awful things- death, multiple divorces, abuse, mental illness, physical illness...
Often you’ll want to quit, scream, or cry. You’ll feel like nothing is meant to be. You’ll feel hopeless. You’ll wonder if it’s worth it. You’ll feel stupid and ugly. But you’ll despite it all, you’ll continue on
And I’ll let you in on a little secret- you’ve got resilience. That’s how you’ve persevered for so long, through so much. Soon, you will discover that there is strength inside of you that is much more powerful than the weakness. It might take time, but eventually, you’ll discover that there is beauty in strength ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
What would you tell your younger self? Tell me down below 👇🏻 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Active recovery week could not have come at a better time
After a month of pretty intense training, this week is focused on active recovery. Shorter, easier workouts meant to give the body a chance to rest and strengthen before ramping up intensity and duration next week
It is a perfect week for active recovery. My body feels pretty broken down and my Crohn’s is actively flaring. Lightening the load and giving myself more time to recover will allow my muscles, mind, and gut to heal and get ready for the next training cycle
I’m dedicating more time to yoga, stretching, and the foam roller. I forgot how painful those things can be when you’ve neglected them and your body is beat down
I’ll have just under four months until my first half Ironman event in April after this week. I’m grateful I’ve been able to make such great progress up to this point and pray my health continues to hold up. I can’t wait to get out there and show others with a chronic illness what is possible. God bless
Exodus 33:14 “The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
I’m proud that this was something I was able to pretty much give up a couple years ago....because I know some truly unhappy people, who judge their life only by how it measures up to others. Life is not linear, each of ours is unique and we’d be fools to waste it in comparisons...when you could have simply lived and shined in your own way, on your own time. Meditation and journaling have helped me overcome this and other self esteem issues SO much 💕 what do y’all do to stay mindful?
I'm fine, everything's fine. 🙃 My normal resting HR is 65-67. Lately it has been in the 80s-90s. As in I am not doing a darn thing beyond laying propped up. SOMETIMES it is nice and goes down to 77-78 when I just wake up (so I assume it isn't getting lower than high.70s in my sleep). When I stopped in the restroom at my therapist's office my heart rate was 120 (after standing less than 10 minutes up front and walking to the restroom) and after walking a little bit at Walmart my heart rate was 132 and I was getting faint. I heard rushing in my ears, my vision started going in and out, and I felt so so so nauseated. I showed my dad my pulse ox reading and he vehemently told me to sit down and I sat while he got food at the deli and I focused on trying to get my pulse to stop throbbing behind my eyeballs. I have this strong feeling I am gonna wake up with a migraine in the morning cause Daisy Mae alerted earlier and the left side of my head is starting to hurt really bad. I have tried multiple times to pop my neck to see if that is the issue but it popped earlier and didn't help so. Tomorrow I have to go with my dad to his office at church and work on setting up his Dragon software (talk to text for computer) correctly and show him how to send an attachment so I can help him with editing his work for school if/when he goes down to school for 3 weeks for his continuing education requirement. I admitted to my therapist today that both my physical health and my mental health are in the trash and I cry often because I am 27 and literally falling apart. I never got to experience my "normal" 20s. I have been sick my whole life and had such crippling mental health during my 20s that I had maybe 3 friends and never got invited anywhere. Now I feel like I am not going to get to have "normal" 30s. Or 40s. Or 50s. And maybe hopefully cross my fingers and knock on wood my body will hold up into my 60s and beyond. I am depressed. All. The. Time. I am struggling and there is literally nothing anyone can do until I get some answers about my chronic illnesses.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I can recall times in my life where people told me I wasn't enough. *Smart Enough
*Not Brave Enough
Yada Yada Yada.
The list could be never ending.
But if I am being honest, it took me a LONG LONNNNNNNG time to not care what these people think. Let me tell you..it was from people I loved and cared for.
I remember sitting in my car crying because someone I loved said some very hurtful things about me. To their family and friends. I thought the things they said about me where true. I didnt think I was enough for them.
But I realized, slowly but surely...
That I Am Enough.
People are going to have their own personal opinions on you and how you should run your life. They have their own lives, why they gotta worry about ours?🤷♀️ I will never understand it. But I do want to tell you that I overcame the constant nagging thoughts of being told I simply wasn't enough. By simply...starting to not give a F. Yes. It's blunt. But it's true.
I started living with the intent of loving every bit of myself so nobody could tear that down any longer.
It takes patience with yourself. It takes bravery and strength to not let what they say pierce your heart, and let it break into a million pieces.
If you have ever been told you are not enough. Well let me tell you, you are.
Screw what anyone else has said because you are an amazing and wonderful scrumptious snack and to heck with anyone else who thinks so.
Things I did to help combat negativity:
*I have fallen more in love with God.
*Started Journaling. I like to do it on my phone. *I listen to more positive songs.
*I make time to detox from social media.
*I make time to relax and do things I enjoy.
*I write affirmations on my mirror. *I jam out every morning to a song I love.
I encourage you to do things that make you feel enough.
I encourage you to be around people who lift you up instead of tear you down.
Remember above all else... YOU MATTER
YOU ARE ENOUGH!! I love you.
Let’s just get real for a moment ladies. (Sorry guys! 😀)
Many women suffer from the debilitating symptoms of premenstrual syndrome. And it totally sucks!
Man I used to have cramps that would wipe me out for DAAAAYS. 😡😳🤬
Headaches, sore breasts, abdominal cramps, mood swings, fatigue, sleep loss – oh joy, right? 😂- All these can ruin a perfectly good day.
It can also prevent women from being productive at work and school.
But no worries because now that we can all use CBD legally, the calvary is here! 🙌💖
CBD helps reduce PMS symptoms. It relieves abdominal pain and cramping, and it also eases away headaches. In addition to this, CBD also improves sleep and mood swings. (You can thank us now…or later. 🤣🙊)
One study suggests that inflammation contributes to the symptoms of PMS. It’s also been linked to menstrual cramps as well. Now, CBD has a POWERFUL anti-inflammatory property.
By controlling inflammation, the symptoms are reduced. Ta-Da! 🙇🏻♀️
This anti-inflammatory property of CBD also helps control acne breakouts caused by PMS and menstrual periods. With PMS help, everything becomes ☀️and 🌹’s, right? 🤭 **********************************************
For more fun facts and info on CBD make sure to follow up @treelineorganics
I never expected to live my life sick with not one but several chronic illnesses. Where every day is different than the last.
Swipe right ➡️ to see what it's like from one day to the next.
One year ago today, I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. Was I sad? Nope!
I had been living for almost 3 years with something that was unknown. I had battled chronic pain that brought me to uncontrollable tears, unable to walk, unable to put food to my mouth, nerve ending zaps, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
I blamed my illness for everything. I was negative all the damn time instead of being pissed off that it was taking my life away. I was too busy throwing a damn pity party every day for myself.
It finally dawned on me after hearing someone say that you're not your illness, that I woke up. I came to realize that I was by far stronger than it because of the battle I have to fight every day.
I thought getting an official diagnosis was going to bring a sense of relief but truth was it didn't. I didn't need a name to tell me what I already knew.....that I was a true badass because regardless of how fucking hard it got or was, I fought everyday to not allow my illness to take me down.
This chick no longer throws those pity parties or feels blames her illness....instead she fights it daily and shows it that she's in control.
Today turned out to be a pretty bad day, so I’m staying in bed. One thing I do different recently that I thought I could share, is that I don’t give all of my power away - especially in a moment of extreme overwhelm or frustration. Being chronically unwell and having to deal with the world, and people, in that state is the pits. It can be really difficult and isolating. No one gets my pain like me. No one understands how badly I want to not be in this situation. It doesn’t matter. Chronic illness is like being on an island you can’t get off, though everyone thinks you can magically find a boat or plane to get you out. Or that you’re insane and not even on an island at all. Maybe this is a bad metaphor. You’re just...kind of alone in your suffering, and that’s the cruddy reality. But, hold your head up high. Even when you think you can’t. Keep working to build that boat, or raft, or anything to get out of the situation you may be in if it’s crushing your soul. Don’t give in to people trying to make you feel bad for where you are. Stand up for yourself! You have to. I am, now. You can’t give up on yourself. I’m not, anymore.
22 Billion in 2022
Cannabis research firm Brightfield Group found that hemp-derived CBD (cannabidiol) sales in the U.S. hit $291 million in 2017. Brightfield also said that with anticipated passing of the 2018 U.S. Farm Bill, the hemp-derived CBD market is expected to quickly go mainstream and become a $5.7 billion market by next year, and a $22 billion market by 2022 -- nearly 40x its current size.
Taking a breath of fresh air this morning while I wait for the Uber. Just dropped the car off for a much needed service. Grateful for the opportunity to service our car. And grateful for the blessing of a car. Many things to be thankful for #gratitude#takingamoment#thankful#treebark#trees
Some days I forget how sick I really was. Especially days where I feel like I’m having a hard time. Today I finally got the news that I officially have an appointment with a specialist for a surgery that I hope will give me a major boost in quality of life.
When that first photo was taken, it was right before I ended up being hospitalized for an extended period of time. I was at the lowest weight I’ve ever been at, I could not keep any solid food down, I couldn’t sleep, I was constantly 24/7 in agony and felt so hopeless. I still believed in putting on a show for others, and tried to act like I had no idea something was wrong with me. But deep inside, I did, and I had no idea how much longer I’d be alive(and truth be told, my doctors weren’t too sure I was going to make it, either.) It was one of the worst years of my life. One of the scariest times of my life. I felt so alone all the time.
The photo to the right was taken by my incredibly talented friend @kelizabethphoto who accommodated me wanting to shoot a little after a pretty major operation. I may still have bad days, I may still have flare ups, but I am grateful for every day I get to walk on this earth.
I am at a healthy weight finally, and as I said before, I am so grateful to be here. I started my own business, with hopes maybe I’ll help someone else while I’m on this crazy journey of trying to live. (@ccsessentials feel free to check it out if you wish! It’s all handmade self care products ) I was able to get signed to an acting agency. I still worry about a lot of stuff. I still have SOOOO many bad days. But I’m fighting for the good days, and I won’t stop fighting.
For those who are struggling, you are not alone, and you are stronger than you know. I am sending love and good vibes into the universe for you all. Keep fighting, fellow warriors. ⭐️💖❤️ #chronicillnesswarrior#chronicillness#spoonie#keepmovingforward#congenitalpulmonarylymphangectasiaawareness#congenitalpulmonarylymphangectasia#cpl#endometriosiswarrior#endometriosis
I noticed this at the beginning of my lil’ notebook today, it’s from last December. I was extremely ill, about a month into being homeless, and a week into being on crutches. I’d had a fall, back then I had what I called “Gumby leg problems” from severe B12 deficiency, so this a was pretty common bummer.
My foot hurt after, but not as much as body-wide fibromyalgia pain, which had gone from annoying to completely debilitating during the months in bed recovering from the B12 nightmare. I figured if the fall truly injured my foot, than it’d hurt worse than any other part of me. Alas, nope, ‘twas real broken...shattered, technically.
So this attempt at documenting my recovery efforts was during a tricky time, to say the least. “Hrs Out” refers to the amount of time I was able to push through and be in the world, rather than lying down in the backseat of my car in bonkers pain. I’d started documenting because I was finally making progress — these numbers were really exciting to me!
They probably didn’t last long, I remember being a wreck for January. But by late Spring I could count on functional 8 hours most days, I’d even started working and was subletting a room. I credit the improvement to warmer weather and my commitment to the movement column (if not my commitment to documenting it). It’s one year later and I’m hurting from colder weather again; which is comical because I’m an Alaskan in California, but I don’t make the rules.
I’m now up to about a half hour a physical therapy every day, which has given me many more functional hours. Significantly less than summer, but I’m still up and doing stuff (if only around the house) for 8 hours more days than not. Honestly, I’m not as far along in my recovery as I’d hoped, I’ve really made it the center of my world — but still wayyyyy better than last year and I’m grateful for it indeed. Baby steps, eh?
Do you feel guilty for putting yourself first? I caught myself sinking into the fear lately. I was feeling guilty for my needs, guilty for putting myself first, guilty for spending so much money on my health.
I hadn’t been to acupunture in 8 months even though I find it so supportive for my healing. I kept telling myself I shouldn’t splurge, but I recognize that it was just an old story coming up. I’m not afraid to prioritize my healing anymore. I’m not afraid to invest in myself. This post acupunture glow and inner peace is worth it 🤸♂️
Do you find yourself sinking into fear around your healing? 💗
Parce qu’aujourd’hui c’est celui là qui m’a plomber le moral, mais tout ces médecins ont toujours leur boîte de mouchoirs, d’ailleurs toujours très utile... première partie tu le fais c’est déjà compliquer puis l’effort de souffler t’a complètement fatiguée qu’entre les deux fois t’as eu le temps de t’endormir sur leur petit canapé prévu pour nous, que tu y retournes et que finalement elle part chercher quelqu’un parce que « c’est pas normale là... »
-Mademoiselle on va le refaire encore une fois
Est ce que j’ai vraiment le choix toute façon ...
-Oui, tu avais raison, il faut que la pneumologue l’a rappelle...
Et sinon à part me dire des noms compliqués ou je ne me souviendrais que de la moitié du mot et de la sonorité on peut m’en dire un peu plus ...
. -Mademoiselle la pneumologue vous rappèlera pour vous avoir un rendez vous et vous expliquer le traitement suite à ça. .
Je dois dire quoi ? Merci ? .
Parfois j’me dis qu’il vaut mieux rien faire car plus ils font d’examens et plus ils trouveront des choses, parfois bonnes c’est vrai mais parfois pas du tout. Et ce soir c’est compliquer...
What is the point of a New Year’s resolution?
Seriously, can anyone tell me why we make these resolutions in December and choose not to start them until January?
If I actually commit to a plan when I first make the decision, maybe I would be more productive. Waiting until January to start these things is only teaching me to continue waiting. It is only enabling the behavior I wish to quit.
As 2019 is pulling into view, I’ve realized that I want to change how I view myself. I think that I am far too critical of myself, and this should not be the case.
But, those changes won’t start in 2019, because I refuse to wait. It’s an issue, and I should start correcting it now!
By the time January 1 comes around, I want to be a happier, healthier, more motivated version of me. I want to begin making changes now, so that when January 1 comes I can effectively put these practices into place to reinforce who I want to be.
For the remaining weeks of December, I will post a bit about what I’m doing to change my self perception. Mainly, I want to combat my anxiety. I want to be worry less about what others think, and be more of the person God is shaping me to be.
On January 1, I will start a January photo challenge. I encourage my fellow mental illness warriors to join me.
I found this picture of me at a 2016 appointment. I was in so much pain. My femurs had rotated 18+ degrees out of place, so only when my legs were in the pictured position would my hips “turn” into place. The surgeon in the picture proposed a bilateral femoral derotational osteotomy for my hips, plus he wanted to also break and reset the bones below the knees and surgically repair my feet.
I watched videos of the surgery and visited with other doctors to get their thoughts on the surgery. The surgeon had seen people’s CMT get worse after surgeries, so he seemed a little apprehensive but then apparently decided it was a standard enough simple surgery and I’d probably be fine.
I didn’t think I would survive the surgery itself or be able to rebuild afterwards; I was scared I may grow weaker and never recover. I prepared for each surgeon meeting with a lot of questions. I still couldn’t make a decision on whether the surgery was right for me.
I needed help. I remember praying to God to make the decision on whether I needed the surgery, because I just couldn’t make the call. I asked that the answer be absolutely clear, though, since I felt like I had failed to maintain my own health.
During our next visit with the surgeon, he canceled the surgery and referred me to the rehab department. Whew, decision made! Ultimately the rehab therapy proved ineffective; I felt devastated and was losing hope for a future free of pain and out of bed.
Now I understand that my nerves were inflamed and I was also fighting a connective tissue disease. Even though I didn’t have answers on why my body seemed to be failing me or how to heal myself, God and my Angels were helping keep me safe and working on providing me the information I needed.
With what I’ve learned from @medicalmedium, my hips have rotated back into place and the pain has subsided. I’m still healing, and my nerves, muscles, and feet are relaxing. I’m confident I will make a full recovery and no longer worry about the surgeries.
Since my husband’s hammertoes have healed, I know my feet will heal too.
God was there when I needed him and all I had to do was surrender and let him guide my steps. 🔽🔽