I had something happen today that hasn't happened in awhile. I clocked out on our oldest son. Clocking out usually translates to reacting or overreacting to a situation in such a way that later makes me cringe. Totally not the type of parent I wanted to be today. He knew just what to do to escalate my already exhausted state, he challenged every bit of my place as a parent and in the end I succumbed to releasing my anger on a trigger that runs so deep in my veins. All while my younger two watched from afar. The sad part is I remember how that felt, being around or involved in someones anger lashing. My dad had an explosive temper and when he would loose it I would just shrink. I have done so much personal work to heal the wounds of years of living with his anger but it is still such a trigger that just roars out of me. But you see I had this moment, this split second that all parents get where I could have made a better choice, where I could have been the bigger person, the real parent in the situation but no...I gave in. I let the trigger grab ahold and I allowed myself to cross that line. His mouthiness and disrespect I just can't stomach but there has to be a better way. The shittiest thing about it is that I can't take it back. No apology I give, explanation or "don't do what I did" speeches will take it away. I will try to do better next time but what if our kids stop believing that? What if they stop believing in me?
Tonight at bed I told my middle son that I was sorry and that I know it is hard when he sees his brother and I yell. He just kind of shrugged his shoulders. I don't know if he heard me or not. To try to shift the energy I did some bodywork on them tonight before bed. I don't know if it helped but hopefully they will sleep well. I just love them so. Tomorrow I will strive to do better. .
At a place where I need all the faith I can muster. Cutting dead weight. Shedding things. Trying not to get in my feelings about decisions I have to make. To all my business owners keep your head up. Keep pushing. Don't let anyone or anything interfere with what you KNOW your great at...stay the course. Its tough but I am.