namjoon’s words struck a chord in me and i identify with it to such a great extent. i wasn’t able to articulate this murky, vague thought i have the past year in words and namjoon did that exactly. it’s still fascinating how i’m feeling what he feels when his four years older, living in a separate place and culture and carrying drastically different experiences from me. and it led me to wonder if such thoughts carry on for a long time for many people.
ahh... i need to be doing more, i need to be learning more, i need to be so good at something. those are the thoughts i have nowadays. i need to work harder. i should get a job, learn and experience something new during the school break instead of wasting time away. there’s not much time left. but when i do have the leisure of making a choice, i’m stuck between doing too much and doing nothing. sometimes it’s because of the ideals i hold that led me to working diligently, sometimes it’s laziness that led me to pushing responsibilities a little further. i’m in the middle. i don’t know where i stand. and actually i don’t know where i wanna stand. because a full day spend watching television in pyjamas isn’t a day wasted to me. it’s therapy. but a month spend doing ‘not much’ might just be a month wasted to me. it’s like how we have recovery days for body building. because growth is a marathon and we need to stop and rest to go further.
who doesn’t want to spend everyday as they like with minimal effort? but if so why are people still working so hard? i’m envious of people who seem to have their life put together. my strung-up vision is sentient and fickle and all i see are their magnified successes.
i also know that everyone is battling their own set of problems. just as namjoon described the thick glass window. it seems way too clear from someone else’s eyes but god knows what ambiguity is held within that individual. nothing’s perfect. we have to continue to see how it goes. it’s perfectly imperfect.
i woke up at 3am, went on twitter and was surprised to see that the hashtag #NamjoonChangedMyLifeThisYear is trending. i went on ig and found out that joon posted a long, deep post on fancafe about his emotions & insecurities. joon is the most amazing person i know, it hurts to know that he thinks so lowly of himself and there is nothing i can do to help him 💔 i really hope his mental health will increase one day and realize how many lives he has helped and touched through his music and the things he taught us 😞 if only he knew how precious he is 💔😭 my heart breaks so much for him i hate this i am actually crying