Today has made for a difficult day. Over the past week I’ve found myself emotionally and physically shutting down numerous times. Today I was on the brink of tears so many times. There’s so much pain and heaviness and sadness and grief on the inside. In two weeks my therapist is doing a micro-exposure to trauma session with me before we then start EMDR. Basically this means I’m about to start processing, talking about and working through the most difficult, debilitating, painful, awful moments of my life. Having a diagnosis of Complex PTSD means there is so much pain from different areas of my life and moving through it is going to hurt like hell. I know that there will be a end and the pain doesn’t last forever, but I am more vulnerable and working extra hard just to function when feeling like I’m always one second away from completely crumbling. Any love, support, encouragement or reassurance through days like today, and this whole process, is so needed and appreciated 💕
#dinner from yesterday was: oven baked chicken 🍗 with rye rice 🍚, homemade hummus and some veggies🥦🥒🍅
Today will be my first school day🏫 after a week of being home doing nothing. I’m sooooo exited 😁to meet my friends again and meet my teachers 👩🏫. I only feel a little anxious because I know I have missed A LOT of school work😖 so I have to work very hard to keep up with all the others. •
I was supposed to have my weight in yesterday with my dietician/doctor but she was sick, so my dad and I had a little weight in at home (cuz we have to weigh me every week, it’s super important😒) and it turned out that I had gained weight from last week. I knew I would, so I wasn’t shook when I found out about it ❌.
Then the evening came and I got an anxiety attack while mom was at a meeting, so I only had my dad to support me, so my anxiety attack lasted for about 1 hour⏰😬 but then my dad called my mom so she could come home and try to calm me down. So she came home earlier then she should😑 AND IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF ME🙈
I’m always ruining something, always❌
Hope you guys will have a good day⭐️👍🏼 you deserve it more then me.
Had a dietician appointment and discussed my hesitation with committing and meeting 100% of my MP and then talked about ambivalence towards recovery at IOP today so this so really ringing true tonight. •
Honestly, I don’t want to do recovery. I don’t want to have to follow my meal plan and feel the uncomfortable feelings that ED allows me to numb out. I don’t want to feel the anxiety or deal with all of the body image crap that comes with eating 100% but I also know that I don’t want this to be the rest of my life. •
I know that I have dreams to pursue and kids to teach and grad school classes to attend and an education system to help reform and I can’t do that if I’m stuck in an eating disorder. I also know that I pursued recovery once before and was pretty successful at it so I know that I already have it within me to recover. •
I am worth recovery. Just going to keep doing the next right thing until I start believing this.
So tonight my family took me out to dinner. I hate going out to dinner because of things like grease and calories and such. So i ordered grilled chicken, steamed broccli and sweet patato fries. It wasnt too difficult however i went to the bathroom afterwards and lifted up my shirt turning sideways finding my stomach to have expanded. I have a headache and negative thoughts racing through me right now. I hate eating.
TW: Eating disorders, depresion, self harm
So I made this account thinking that kids from my school might find it, so until now I've decided not to open up about my struggles. But why should I have to keep hiding my mental health issues in fear that I'll be made fun of again? Have nasty rumors spread about me like I did in middle school when someone saw my scars? That's on them; not me. So here's a bit of my story. Please look at the trigger warning above before reading.
This is me as a toddler. A happy little girl that didn't realize what was to come. A 'happy' little girl that at about the age of only five years old began to hate her body. A scared little girl that listened to her parents fights. A sad little girl that never got involved with hobbies until thirteen because her parents were busy. A depressed little girl that began restricting her food intake at ten years old and obsessively washing her hands. She fell deeper into her depression over the years and began to restrict even more until she began to feel cold and dizzy. A 14 year old girl that felt completely hopeless. A 16 year old girl that made friends but could never keep them. A 17 year old girl that wants to fight. An almost 18 year old girl that is taking control of her life back one step at a time. Struggling with mental illness is never easy. There's so much you need to put in for recovery and it is hard. But I can promise you, it's worth it 100%. Self love, self care and forgiving myself has been hard to do lately. But I only want to grow stronger from here on out and continue making all the progress I can.
Little sisters are made for long phone calls, motivation, inspiration and just chewing the fat really. Making a “plan of attack” for tomorrow. Haven’t left the house much in a while. My room has a lot of associations of really flat moods and intense eating disorder thoughts, seeing as I hadn’t been well since we moved in a few weeks ago. Tomorrow, I’m going to get out of the house and do some shopping. Hopefully by the end of the day, I’ll have finished all my Christmas shopping (thank god for online shopping!) and will have prepared some food other than supplements to attempt as well. Baby steps...
Dinner was a steak with potato and salad! I went out for lunch with a friend! We chatted for about 3 hours and I really enjoyed it! 😍
So Eating disorders and School. Its definitely been a challenge. I go to a small rural school. My smallest class is a total of 2 and my biggest is about 24. My school is a special character school, an all girls school and also a boarding school with a few rare day girls like myself. Because of this, we have a lot of different extra activities which I have spoken about previously including house music and house drama both of which I was involved. Because of this it has taken up a lot of extra time. This was really difficult for me as I had to stay at school for dinner and that was always an opportunity for Annie to sneak in and ta over. A lot of you probably know I am doing NCEA Level 2 and that as been quite hard. I have had a lot of internals to do and 6 different exams with a total of 14 papers. •
In term one and two I did quiet well. Except for the fact I was spending absurd amounts of time at the gym, I was completing everything on time. Term 3 was when I hit rock bottom. I was preparing my mocks, of which I had 6 in one week. This really did me in. I actually did pretty well in my mock exams which I was really proud of. But! There were a lot of meltdowns and tears in the weeks prior to this and during. The school had been very accommodating. They spread my exams out over the week so I had one a day and also so I only had one day where I had two exams in one day. The weeks following this I had 11 internals to complete in 3 weeks. This is went I really hit my lowest point. I had my internals to deal with, the pressure I was putting on myself to get excellences and the involvements house music! I ended up getting extensions for 3 of my internals because it just became too much. This is when my GP decided to put me on antidepressants, which was the best decision he could have made.
Continued in the comments
I love these cute new little shorts from Kmart! I also love that with eating heaps, treating my body well and not using any behaviours my energy levels are high, my focus is great and my body responds so well to it all! ☺️
goodnight smol beans :’))
i have such a strong craving for banana ‘n fruit right now ahh!!
“it doesn’t matter if my thighs are thicker
so is my hair
no one cares that my stomach wobbles
i can stand strong
now my happiness shows
instead of my bones
my eyes aren’t wet with tears
my skin’s no longer dry and tight
yeah, maybe my hips are wider
but so is my smile
my body is full of food
my eyes are full of life
im finally living
and it is beautiful.”
kinda nervous for dinner tonight. my aunt isn’t allowed to tell me what it’s going to be and i have to eat it fully. ed is really pushing through at the moment. 😅
“feeling guilty for eating when you’re hungry is like feeling guilty for breathing when your lungs need oxygen. we’ve literally been taught to feel ashamed of our basic human needs. refuse to feel the shame. you are allowed to eat.”
today’s lunch was a bit of a challenge :// but that’s okay!! i’m having strong ed behavior thoughts but i’m sticking to my 15 minute rule. 15 minutes to find ways to cope and stay strong to my recovery. i believe in myself. this too shall pass 💗
“sometimes, you’ll have a couple of good days. and then it hits you. everything. it hurts to talk, to love, to be. existing is so difficult at times but no one wants to hear that. no one wants to know about the days you spend crying or curled up in a corner somewhere or wishing you could be anywhere but here. we all have our ways of coping with it. we all have our very own acts of survival. our ways of staying alive when we’re in too much pain to feel anything at all. i get it. this isn’t life anymore. this is just about getting through the day. i hope that one day it’ll be something more than that.”
— more than that // r.e.s (via thoughtsintorhymes)
— ed recovery tips for the holidays:
1. initiate a mindfulness routine:
this can help you become more grounded and aware of the mind-body-spirit connection :))
2. keep a daily gratitude journal:
write down 5 aspects of your life that are worth being grateful for! 🌟
3. spend time in the outdoors:
an appreciation for the earth is soothing and restorative 🌲
4. funnel energy into creativity:
art can be a form of therapy to reframe anxious thoughts onto an aesthetic canvas. 🎨
5. reach out for additional support:
when stress levels are high, recruiting a “holiday support network” is vital. 👥
hey guys~! 🌻
today is national survivors of suicide day so i just wanted to take a minute to acknowledge everyone who has attempted and survived, and/or has lost a loved one to suicide. i, myself, have been in your shoes in both aspects. i have taken advantage of my life in more ways than one and have gone all 16 years of my life blind to the fact that i am blessed to be living the life that i am living today. i may not be flawless, my thighs still touch, i don’t have hipbones, and i may not be a size 0 in jeans, but that does not make me any less happy. i am so thankful to be blessed with the gift of being able to have a bad day and wake up to a second chance. every single time. i no longer am seeking revenge on a body that is my own. i no longer disrespect a body that has protected me my whole life. it is the year of loving myself and eating when i am supposed to. you have to nourish to flourish. we still have our whole lives ahead of us. make it count ! 💡🥰
Gestern mit Vater und Oma in meinem Lieblingsrestaurant gewesen. Sie sagen, ich kann ruhig bestellen, zur Feier des Tages. Ich habe mir einen Salat „gegönnt“. Von dem Getrönk konnte ich auch kaum trinken. Meine anorektische Stimme war so laut, ich konnte es echt teilweise schwer genießen. Trotzdem ist es trotz der Essstörung ganz schön gewesen. Halt mit meiner Oma und Vater. Das doofe war halt, dass das Restaurant ihr zweijähriges gefeiert und gratis Gin-Shots ausgeteilt :( ich darf ja wegen der Klinik keinen Alkohol trinken und auch nicht zwischen diesem und den nächsten Aufenthalt im April 19, weil das mit dem nächsten Exzess enden würde. Naja, jetzt bin ich gerade in der Klinik und habe mein Abendessen hinter mir #ed#atypicalanorexia#anorexia#edsucks#edpatient#bpd#borderline#inpatient#clinic
5.45pm- Dinner. Yes, this is the first thing I’ve eaten since breakfast and I watered down the soup 🤦🏻♀️ Yesterday really triggered me and I’m feeling so icky and uncomfortable in my body. Having my BMI be so high is really fucking with my head and I hate everything about this!!! I’ve also been avoiding drinking today which is a bit fucked up but I just haven’t been feeling up to anything today. I went to yoga, did my laundry and ironing and thats... About it. I napped, moped around and didn’t do a whole lot else 😥Tomorrow is a food shop day which hopefully will inspire me to eat a little bit more? I’ll probably be cooking some freezer food or something too, idk. We shall see.
— a letter to my boyfriend, and anyone whom struggles with self-image:
i’d like to remind you that you are human. no human is flawless. that being said, that doesn’t mean you can’t be perfect. there will always be people who see you in an idealistic way and those who see you in a cynical way. by definition, perfect is having met all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is POSSIBLE to be. it is impossible to have no defects, a perfectly toned body, straight A’s, impeccable communication skills, and a gentle and loving personality without having a fault in your being. every single person on this planet has a fault. though, to me, you are perfect. you met all areas of perfection in my eyes. you no longer have to strive for a perfectionism that is imaginary. your inner critic may finally walk away from the control panel. you no longer have to feel like hiding away from a body that is your own. i will love you endlessly, and your resilience will continue to astonish me time after time again. 💞
— letter from an empath💡:
“while i love to help others, i am not responsible for fixing your life or catering to your toxicity. i am not responsible for managing your triggers, walking on eggshells, or telling you what you want to hear in order to keep the peace. i am not your emotional punching bag nor am i your emotional sponge. i do not exist for your pleasure or as a site for your projected pain. my responsibility is to myself - to be my own person and stay true to who i am - to heal my own wounds, manage my own triggers, and engage in self-care so that i can give to others authentically without depleting myself in the process. my responsibility is to maintain healthy boundaries - especially with those who are unhealthy.”
motd: frustrated & hoping for a turnaround
gotd: finish writing my letter to my recovered self 💓
The difference between one year can be bigger than expected. Last year my depression was really strong, I couldn't imagine to live a normal life again. I actually wasn't able to want a normal life. I only carried about how to manage the next day without getting caught with my thoughts. Every day I was planning how to end my life, how to feel "better" again in the way of dying. Last year wasn't an easy year. I felt so weak and was really scared. I got bullied a long, long time and was afraid that it would happen again. I did forget that I had friends. My friends were worried and I was like "they want me to see me fall, they want to make my life much harder", but that's bullshit! Why should my friends think like that? Last year on the 16th November it all started to come out. I started to have concrete suicidal plans and my school recognized that something is wrong. On the 16 th November, 2017 I had an appointment at a psychologist, because my school sent me. There I was told I need therapy! I was really, really scared. I only thought "I will end like a freak", but I was really wrong. After that appointment it was like before. But then December came. The darkest point at my suicidal phase, I had a plan. A date, a location, the way I want to end my life. Luckily my school recognized this again and I was sent into a psychiatric hospital where I got my diagnosis BPD. Since last December I am in therapy. And helps me a lot. I stopped to self harm but! then Ana comes. I was searching an other way to hurt my body and started to lose weight till August 2018. I lost really much happiness again but right now I am on a right way. I am working on my self esteem, I try to enjoy life more, I try to do as much as possible with my friends. Probably I get on their nerves 😂. But my main goal is to get my life back! Because I'm worth it! Everyone deserves to have a good life! Why shouldn't I deserve? I'm much more than any disease, I'm much more than my past. I'm me and I only have one life, I shouldn't waste it. Since last year I started to grow. Sometimes I relapse or do have bad phases but that's normal. Life is not perfect but it's always worth it to fight and to make the ⬇️⬇️
Hey guys. A bit of a negative one so I’ll put a TW on. I mention BMI. —
So I went to the nurses today for my contraceptive injection and they had to do a bmi check because they’re aware of my ED and were worried about my bone density and stuff. The nurse was so sweet but I caught a glimpse of my bmi, weight and height and I’m having a bit of a breakdown. It turns out I’m about 1.5 inches shorter than I thought I was and that has thrown my BMI calculations into chaos and suddenly my BMI has jumped to 20.8. I’m having an internal meltdown. I’ve not had a BMI this high since I was 13 and its freaking me the fuck out. All this over fucking 4cm of height. My weight hasn’t changed but I’m freaking out. I feel like such a fat fraud.
Do you know the main secret of successful Instagram ? When your friend @maria_boguslav and boyfriend @ryann_wave are both photographers and you go to trips together 😂 Maria took this nice picture of me, Ryan edited it after and.. here we go 💁🏼♀️