ik it sounded like i was getting worse in my previous post, but i ended up getting worse. last night i was rushed to emergency in the hospital, and i stayed there until 4am. i have a very severe case of gastro. i am home now and have been bedridden all day, and i am on meds which reduce the stomach pain and nausea. i managed to have a bit of an appetite and ate some food, but ofc not enough, but the nurses said to focus on meds and fluid. i am going try eat a bit more each day as i get better and hopefully can get back on track with recovery. might not be too active, keep fighting❤️
Day 🔟 of #hansleighsan ❄️🤶🏼🎅🏽❄️ 2 toasts with 2 different spreads 🍯🍞 Some recent DM’s: ❄️“How do you do it?”
❄️“I’m jealous of your bravery”
❄️“How are you managing to challenge yourself every day?”
❄️“Aren’t you scared?” 🤨😯😮 Yes I’m scared. Yes every time I reach into that bloody calendar I sigh when I see another huge fear food on that piece of paper 😅. I don’t find it easy at all. But I do it regardless. I’ve given myself no option not to. Sometimes you need that tough love otherwise it’s too easy to just back out.
➡️“Not today Han, I’m too tired to challenge”
➡️“Tough shit Han, you’re doing it”😂 And the thing is- if you REALLY wanted to and REALLY pushed yourself, you could too. There’s no difference between me and you. SERIOUSLY what are you waiting for? There will never feel like a good day to challenge.
If I can-you can too ❄️ You are SO much stronger than you know ❤️
🌸🌼🌸Bonsoir tardif 🌃🌸🌼🌸Pas sûre qu'il y ait encore grand monde ici 😅 J'espère que vous avez passé un bon dimanche. Pour beaucoup les dimanches riment avec détente et famille. Il en est de même pour moi 😊
🌸Du coup, j'ai réussi à me détendre et maîtriser mon hyperactivité. Je n'ai pas été marcher. La culpabilité est là... Mais je me dis que j'ai arraché un oeil à l'anorexie. 👊
🌸Ces derniers temps je marchais, je faisais des courses à droite à gauche et beaucoup de ménage (vu que je suis privée de sport) pour éliminer un maximum de calories. 🙄 Même la marche m'est interdite. Mais ... 🤐
🌸Je ne l'ai même pas encore quittée qu'elle est toujours là. Elle me demande de rester de ne pas l'abandonner. Pourtant je n'ai même pas encore réussi à stabiliser mon poids. Mais elle me dit sans cesse : "Anya, tu peux faire mieux. Maigris encore. Tu seras plus belle. Plus forte."
🌸Comme si en étant à deux doigts de la mort, encore plus faible physiquement, nous rendait surpuissant mentalement. C'est ça l'anorexie. 💀
🌸Ce soir j'ai mangé une demie patate douce grillée, un oignon rouge et 1/4 de pomme au curry. C'était bon. Mais ça me rendait malade de manger. J'en avais une boule à la gorge. Comme dessert obligatoire j'ai opté pour un yaourt pour que ça glisse... J'en aurais pleuré...
🌸Maintenant je vais dormir, rever qu'elle fait ses valises et qu'elle s'en va ... 💀🖕
C h o o s i n g L I F E ✨
I’ve gotten some distressing messages lately from people asking me how I made the choice to recover. I remember not wanting to recover, wanting to just stay in my anorexia. But I never not wanted to recover, just not in that moment. I wanted to postpone it as long as I could. Wait for the ‘right’ moment.
When I think about it now I can almost not believe how someone would not want to recover.
Why? Your asking. Why did I choose to disobey the thoughts, how did I fight it? Well to be honest I could write a whole book about that. But mainly, because I realised something;
It will never, ever be enough.
You will never have lost ‘enough’ weight.
You will never have been ‘the sickest’.
You will never be inpatient ‘enough’ times.
You will never have burnt ‘enough’ calories.
At least, according to your eating disorder.
You gotta make the disicion to stop. It’s either that or die. Think about it like this:
Recover, and if you still think life’s better with your ed, fine do your thing. You can always go back! But at least give it a chance!!
I have never in my life thought I was thin. But when I look back now, to old pictures, I just can’t believe how I wasn’t able to see that??!!
I just want you all to know, life is sooooooo friggin beautiful. And happiness cAn be found! You just can’t give up, that’s the only rule. Fall down, stand back up again, repeat. I honestly believe 100% recovery is possible and I WILL proof it to all of you. I promise 💛
Do you promise to me never to give up???! 👇🏼
Hey lovely people 💗 How has your day been? 🌻
I spent another amazing day in Helsinki with my boyfriend exploring the city, the national museum and eating yummy food. I already feel better, the decision not to attend university anymore as long as I’m feeling unwell seemed to be a good one. I feel relieved and more time for #SelfCare also means more time for recovery. Today I kicked EDs butt. I was anxious all morning because I didn’t know what I would eat for lunch since we hadn’t planned anything out yet but when lunch time came and I was to choose a place to eat at I somehow regained my strength and faith in recovery and decided to choose the most challenging option: A Brunch buffet. First of all, I used to love brunch, I would ask to brunch on every occasion possible until restricting behaviors began taking over my life. So today was a little breakthrough. And secondly- and most importantly- I had all the damn stuff I wanted. I tried EVERYTHING and I didn’t purge it. I did feel uncomfortably full for hours and hours afterwards but I made it through. I’m so unbelievably proud of myself. Every day is a new chance to choose recovery over this horrible illness and today I made the right choice. 😍
Quote of the day: “There is no magic cure, no making it go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore.” -Laurie Halse Anderson 🌺
yesterday was one of the best days i’ve had in a very long time✨ i actually felt like a normal teenager. i was laughing and LIVING, not just being present and surviving. me and my best friend went to the jingle bell ball and had the best time! yes we got matching christmas shirts🤣 all the acts were so good, especially Halsey😉😍
here are my food challenges from the day !! ya girl had PIZZA and DESSERT !! i was absolutely bricking it but i rose above anorexia (for the most part) and ordered what I wanted. i say “for the most part” because i did choose one of the light pizzas that were the low cal ones...i couldn’t fully commit to a proper pizza. but nevertheless i still ate a freaking pizza which is a HUGE fear. but the dessert, that was the biggest challenge. i haven’t ordered a dessert in a restaurant in AGES like i couldn’t even tell you😦 but yesterday i did and i enjoyed every mouthful !! it wasn’t a low cal option, i just ordered it because I WANTED IT🤩 the pure freedom was amazing. and i was too distracted by being with my friend and watching the concert to even feel guilty!
i’m so proud of myself and that is okay. you should never be embarrassed or feel bad about being proud of yourself, even if it’s for something so small. i hope this inspires all of you to challenge yourself a little today and everyday because you are all so strong, and if i can do it, so can you💪🏼 my dms are always open and i’m always here if anyone ever needs a friend to talk to. ily all💗
Day 9️⃣ of #hansleighsan ❄️🤶🏼🎅🏽❄️ Supermarket salted caramel and chocolate chip cookie 🍪 Slightly warmed in the micro omd 🤤
AN is sneaky af. She’s one of those cookies which you bite into thinking it’s chocolate chip, and turns out to be raisin 💔😛 Stay present in your recovery and check if AN is sneakily intervening in your daily choices. Soon these challenges won’t even be ‘wins’- they’ll be just normal ❤️
💫y’all it has been 8 whole days of freEDom from crh!!
💫it’s not very much but i’m so happy because it’s the longest i’ve been home in more than 6 months! :)
💫 i feel so great. ed has been trying to be a meanie, and sunday night was SO bad, but i’m here and i’m stronger!!
💫there’s this custard place in my town, and i went there recently for the first time. i was so surprised to not have ANY ed thoughts, so that was amazing aah!!
💫it’s been so great to be home and i can’t wait for a life outside of hospitals.
Кабачки в томатном соусе и булгур
Я нахожусь в шаге от того, чтобы снова отказаться от вареной еды, потому что я просто больше не могу, черт возьми
Мой живот разрывается от боли после каждого приема пищи
Я чувствую, что сильно переедаю из-за того, что раньше сильно ограничивала себя
Стыдно есть перед кем-то, потому что я вижу, что ем намного больше, чем они
Вес растёт .. я не знаю, как отреагирую, когда увижу на весах 30 кг
Сейчас мой вес - 29,5
Придушите меня, пожалуйста 🙂
Zucchini in tomato sauce and bulgur
I'm on the verge of refusing thermally processed food again, because I just can't take it anymore
My stomach breaks with pain after every meal.
I feel that I overeat very much because I used to severely limit myself.
I am ashamed to eat in front of someone because I see that I eat a lot more than they
The weight is growing .. I don’t know how I will react when I see 30 kg on the scales
Now my weight is 29.5
Strangle me, please 🙂
Breakfast- weetabix topped with banana, strawberries and blueberries🍌 AND MY ADVENT CHOCOLATE
I’m going to a Christmas market today with most of my family and after we are going OUT for a meal.(kinda nervous)😬
I hope you all have a good day x
Good morning! Part one of breakfast is Choc Shot almond milk got chocolate and raspberry fruit Yo-Yos 😌 part two will be 60g of fresh raspberries and porridge made with almond milk 💕 today we’re putting up and decorating the Christmas tree and I’m so excited! We’re gonna have a super festive day and watch some Christmas films too - what should we watch? 🎄✨🎅🏻 I hope you all have a great day! 💖✨🌈
Christmas cake baked oats for breakfast!! I really love recovery sometimes... everyone says baked oats taste like cake, and oh my goodness I’ve been missing out! And it literally tasted like Christmas cake (without the brandy maybe) but better!! Probably because I don’t like actual Christmas cake that much haha
So I made these by boiling down a pear, a lot of mixed dried fruit, a satsuma and zest, cinnamon, nutmeg and treacle (it smelt like Christmas 😍), then added oats, chia seeds and hazelnut milk, ‘baked’ in the microwave and topped with the most festive things I could find... silver balls, jellies and my advent calendar chocolate! And this is the first time I’ve been able to do both @tffwfoodfight challenges, and both of them were incredible and 100% worth it 😍👌
(TW) Anyway... back to real life unfortunately. If you saw my stories (around my literal story because I plonked my photos from this year in the middle of it) yesterday evening I had pretty bad heart pain for ages... I’ve had heart pain before and pretty regularly (one of ana’s fun gifts) but never like this, this was full on properly painful and pretty scary. It first came about 12 hours ago and was still there in the morning which was even scarier tbh because if it carried on I think I would have had to tell my parents who would then probably take me to hospital because they’d overreact (or maybe I’m overreacting idk... or underreacting...) and I’d also miss my interview and probably a lot of the music stuff I have at school next week but that’s less important. But fortunately I’m feeling a lot better now... so providing it doesn’t get worse again I think I’ll be okay.