Prima della malattia adoravo definirmi come la queen dei biscotti brasiliani. Rivoglio il mio titolo. 🌸
Ieri sono andata dal dietologo per la prima volta nella vita e abbiamo concordato insieme una dieta molto molto carina con cui iniziare. Include anche tre palline di gelati, due porzioni di dolce e un pasto libero (pizza😂) a settimana. Praticamente un’alimentazione 20% e 80% e sembra davvero interessante e sostenibile. Magari non avrò più dei momenti eccessivamente trigger in chi sento la mancanza di dolce/pizza in maniera incontrollabile. Sarebbe bellissimo.
Questa mattina sono andata a caccia di Pokemon (Si amici, Pokemon GO regna e io ci sono cresciuta e continuo a crescere con loro) e per far schiudere le uova ho camminato 5 km. Intanto, quanto è bello camminare semplicemente per giocare e non per penitenza? Spensierata e contenta!
Arrivano le 10 e io sto letteralmente morendo di fame. Anche se è Ferragosto passo di fronte ad una pasticceria/panetteria che conosco e amo perchè fa i MIGLIORI brasiliani del mondo. Un anno fa praticamente ne mangiavo l’ultimo. Oggi, 12 mesi dopo, lo riprendo ed è il Paradiso.
La frolla non è croccante, ma friabile e si scioglie in bocca, la marmellata di albicocche è dolcissima e deliziosa, per non parlare della valanga di zucchero a velo, che io amo alla follia.
P e r f e t t o.
La queen è tornata e sceglie la vita. ☺️👑
Wow! My YouTube Channel has been listed as one of the best eating disorder vlog channels (among other amazing youtubers) on Proud2BMe. They said, "Kesa makes very cheerful, honest videos about her eating disorder recovery. The images are very colorful and pure." (Translated from Dutch)
This is an honour and I never expected it. Thank you! 💕 @proud2bmenl (sorry if this is really late, I only saw the list now!)
The link is here - http://www.proud2bme.nl/Video_divers/10_Eetstoornis_recovery_YouTubers
I know I have been struggling recently and not the best "pro recovery" advocate and I apologise deeply for that. Relapses are awful and I can't deny that my mind has gone into quite a dark place, Anorexia wise. However, I made step forward today. I asked my mum to call my CAMHS care coordinator for a meeting about my relapse. I am tired of being under Anorexia's control and restricting. I want my life back!
It's frightening as I know I will have to gain back the weight I have lost +more until I'm weight restored. I really hate my body and weight gain is the last thing I want. But, if I want to get rid of Ana that means I have to gain. The appointment will be next Wednesday. I just need to hold it out until then and try to increase. <3 Keep fighting!
The sun is shining, there's an autumn breeze in the air, and its a good day to have a good day! (Disclaimer-No, I don't own a terrier. Yes, this mug was on clearance. U already knowww im #ballinonabudget )
#breakfast is 70g nutritional @huel shake w soy milk, stevia + a milky coffee. I declare this #recoverybreakfast w a tag i only use if i stick to my plan. I am currently 2 meals (out of 6) down, and it’s not even 1pm 💪🏼 •
Not gonna lie - I’m struggling rn. I allowed my weight to increase. at first, on holiday it was ok & then i came home alone & all the panic hit me. I felt a ‘nudge’.. a kind of transcendental sense that I need to run away. a part of me is thinking of walking to peckham just to escape my own thoughts/ others’ problems but then another part of me is like what’s the fucking point and yet another part is looking up coaches to edinburgh. I deactivated my fb cos i want people to forget i exist. Is this normal? Wanting to get rid of your irl people, and only live as a strange online person? only and permanently exist in the internet.. This remind me of Ian Hacking’s essay called making up people, where he claims that categories conceived in discourse have the power to change material/living entities, which become the categories that try (and necessarily fail at first) to define them... the entities grow into the categories and then exceed or contradict them in some way, forcing a rebound shift in means of categorization, definition and understanding... Ie we live to become the cliches of diagnostic manuals and clinical discourse, but can never be completely captured by those cliches in our entirety by disease profiles, DSM subtypes, insta bios, MPA signatures, tumblr identities.. We fight to fit the moulds but eventually outgrow and crack them, forcing those that try to heal or at least understand us to change the way they approach and treat us, the way they study, diagnose, dismiss, invalidate, trigger, trick, trap + (force)feed us, the way they save us or let us die. We affect each other, for better of for worse we both - the physician & patient, the diagnostician & the (un)diagnosed, night nurse & day patient, the state and the sectioned, the governor and the governed.. we write the meanings of illness unevenly + together. I need to take my pen up and start writing too. before it is too late. •
Skinny Cappuccino and a biscuit for tea time.
I’m feeling very low today. I feel alone, scared and my anxiety is sky high despite being on a load of medication. My ed is isolating me more and more socially. I can’t live like this anymore but it is the only thing which makes me feel in control at the moment. #ana#anarecovery#ed#edrecovery#recovery
super challenging lunch today, a shop bought meal deal UNSUPERVISED!!! I'm not gonna lie it was really hard and I didn't finish it all, so I feel kinda bad. Also I will never understand why shops feel the need to advertise calorie content on everything - it makes choosing food so much harder!!!
#nightsnack ✨wellmix protein bar chocolate nut flavor🙏🏼❤️
(I ate it bc I like proteinbars and not bc there’s less sugar in it!)
It tasted so unbelievable good🤭
Its a bit sweet like a candy but its delicious af😅
Also falls ihr in eurer Nähe einen @mein_rossmann habt...holt euch diesen Rigel der ist soso gut😍🙏🏼
Innen drin ist eine caramelcreme oderso und diese ist umzogen mit dunkler Schokolade und ricecrispies...insgesamt schmeckt es mehr nach einer Süßigkeit aber das ist echt Mega lecker🤤🙈die Konsistenz ist auch bombe😅Innendienst ist es sehr cremig und nur leicht wie bei einem Proteinriegel und außen die Schokolade ist auch sehr cremig und schmilzt auf der zunge😂
Den werd ich mir auf jeden Fall nochmal holen weil es bis jetzt der beste proteinriegel war den ich hatte🙈🙏🏼❤️
Habt ihr einen lieblingsproteinriegel? Welcher ist es? Oder esst ihr sowas garnicht?
Florida day 2 was another bright and early one! Once we were all up and ready and I had my breakfast + packed my snacks/lunch for the day it was off to Universal Studios again! We had another incredible day which included many many roller coasters and a raptor encounter🦖 and when we went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter I even challenged myself and shared a Butter Beer with my little brother! The cream at the top was absolutely amazing😍 but I have to say I’m not a fan of the drink as a whole but that’s okay. It’s okay because I don’t have to absolutely LOVE everything I eat/drink. And it’s certainly NOT a “waste” if I eat/drink something that isn’t my absolute favourite thing ever. I’m so incredibly proud of myself for even trying it and I know I would have had major regrets if I had listened to anorexia and avoided it completely! ~ swipe to see a video of our encounter with a raptor it’s literally one of my FAVE moments of the entire trip😂 ~
I've been tagged by quite a few of you lovely lot to do the 20 non ed facts about me. So I thought I'd give it a go, plus, I thought it would be a nice way to introduce myself to any new followers 🌼
1. I'm 21 but look about 12 🙃
2. I am a middle child.
3. My favourite chocolate is milkybar chocolate.
4. I love doing hair and make up even though I'm rubbish at it 🙃
5. I am probably it the worst singer there is.
6. I live in my dressing gown and fluffy socks no matter what time of year it is, don't judge 🤷🏼♀️
7. I am addicted to shopping which is probably why I'm constantly broke 🙈
8. I would love to be a flight attendant so I could travel the world but I'm actually too small 😳😂
9. I have two tattoos but now I want more 🙈
10. I don't think that pineapple should be put on pizza 🙅🏻♀️ fight me 😂
11. I absolutely hate feet 🤢
12. I am the only person in my family that likes peanut butter 😲😲 but oh well, that just means more for me 🙊😍
13. When I was younger I used to believe that if you had singing lessons you could pick which artist you wanted to sound like and the teacher could literally magic you to be able to sing exactly like them 🤷🏼♀️
14. I love to be organised. Spontaneity is my weakness 🙈
15. My favourite animal is a giraffe because they're super tall and I'm super small 🤣
16. I love to bake and I really need to start doing it more 🍰
17. Quorn chicken nuggets are my favourite even though I'm not veggie 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
18. I'm actually quite shy when I first meet people, but then when I'm confident and get to know them I don't shut up and I'm actually really weird and annoying #sorrynotsorry 😂
19. I am a mummy to my favourite boy fudge and I couldn't live life without him 🐶❤
20. I am very much a morning person and can't stay up late to save my life 🙈 I am that girl that start yawning on a night out 😂
I hope that you all enjoyed my facts and I didn't bite you all too much. I tag anyone who fancies giving this a go.
A hot lunch?! OH YEAH🙊🙊🙊 this is paprika chicken😍 that I’ve being eyeing up from @natacha.oceane lunch recipe Ebook💪🏻 and damnnnn it has not disappointed!! So in here I have: a chicken breast🍗 with onion, mushrooms, paprika, cumin, cucumber and red peppers🥗 all wrapped with 2 mini white&wheat tortillas🥙 and a squeeze of reduced fat mayo🤭 -
So, I’ve realise something this morning...i want to make peace with my body, right? I want to be fit, healthy, frickin’ sexy😂 so why am I so convinced that cutting calories and carbs with do that? If I want to achieve the goals I do of, achieving my masters degree next year, becoming fit and healthy, I HAVE to trust what everyone on here and people around me are saying😶 I can’t trust this little voice in my head anymore. As much as I don’t feel ‘ill’ or worthy of recovery...having people tell me I look to thin, that I’m lacking in life and energy, and seeing myself that number on the scale drop, I have to trust you guys! I have to trust that what I see isn’t what others do!😞 I have to trust the process! Lately I have been seeing the ‘gains’ I’ve made at the gym slowly fade and the reason is because I’m eating less than I’m burning...majorly! This isn’t what I want! Yes, I’ve probably moved to one obsession to another of wanting to look lean and toned so I’m going to ask my dietician and therapist to help me out of this over the next few weeks. I’m seeing my dietician tomorrow so I’m going to take into account everything she says and offers to support me!🙊🤦🏻♀️ I have to! This is not life! As a friends told me today, ‘you’re dead longer than you are alive’😳 how true! Life is too god damn short! I can’t waste anymore than I have! I don’t want to be graduating looking like shit! I don’t want my graduation to be a memory of sadness and lack of control of my own life! This anorexia bullshit needs to die! Yes I’m struggling, but I will get out of this! -
I have to win! I have to fight! I want to love myself! How can I expect people to love me when I don’t even love myself?! Impossible😞 come on sash, let’s fight!❤️
Buongiorno un po’ in ritardo ☀️ qui da me è brutto tempo e ha piovuto tutta stanotte e sta continuando ancora 🌧 quindi ne ho approfittato e mi sono fatta un piatto caldo: pasta integrale con il passato di verdure caldo e tanto tanto grana 😍. Oggi anche se è ferragosto non uscirò e starò in casa a studiare, però passerò la sera con il mio ragazzo, probabilmente guarderemo un film o altro ma comunque in casa 🏡. Buon ferragosto a tutti/e comunque 💕
Pranzo: • 55g pasta integrale • 150g di passato di verdure • 10g di grana 😍
On the podcast this week I talk about forming a healthy relationship with food and body while in college.
I am SO under qualified to have this conversation, because the college years were when I struggled the most. .
But this simple question seems like it would have been a helpful one. At a time when most are considering the future and unsure what lies ahead, it can be helpful just to ask if your choices line up with where you want to be tomorrow?
Does the decision to restrict bring me closer to my goal of happiness, or keep me stuck in unhealthy cycles? .
Making decisions based on our goals and values rather than our present insecurities, is the hardest, bravest work we will ever do 💗
"Healing is difficult because it requires solitude and some haven't conquered the battle of being comfortable alone."
- Meaggan Roxanne
That quote is just so me. I had to learn to get along with myself not being with others at all and I am still working on it BUT: I wanted to thank you all for the support and some of my favourite accounts for giving me so much motivation and hope that things will get better. So what I am gonna do today is NOTHING but I thought about maybe creating a placate with pics of all my favourite recovery people 🤔🔥 so what are you up to today? ❤️
I’ve accepted that my (many) fear foods aren’t just magically gonna go away. Instead, I need to challenge myself with them over and over and over again, and each time they then (hopefully) are less scary to me. SO I went to the store and bought some chocolate🍫, and will TRY to have a piece every day or so...🤗 Obvi scared as hell, but I don’t wanna fear chocolate forever so🤷♀️💪
PS I have a confession... yep I did try to make the background look nicer (not sure if I succeeded😂) and used my skirt
На фото обед: гречка, огромнейшая куриная котлета, овощи (любовь). 🤤
Обедаю и убегаю за продуктами и подарком для подруги, ей завтра исполняется 18. Эх, в сентябре и я стану совершеннолетней. 🙃
Подруга пригласила к себе на день рождения, а это означает, что придется притворяться нормальной в плане еды. Подруга и ее родители знают о моем диагнозе, но от праздничного торта никто меня не освобождал. Не знаю, смогу ли я переступить через свой страх и съесть кусочек. В любом случае, кусок торта является одним из пунктов моего списка "страшной" еды. Ладно, как-нибудь справимся. 🤔
Приятного аппетита всем обедающим и хорошего дня! ❤️
SUICIDE; real talk 🌼🌞🌻
Suicide is not something I have spoken about very much, both on here, and with people I’m close to in person. However, I still here huge misconceptions about suicide from people I know, so I’m sharing my own experience in the light of improving understanding of suicide. •
For the past four years, I think and consider suicide every day. Not because I’m unhappy every moment of every day, but because thoughts that are painful to cope with consume my mind every minute of every day. I am still able to have fun and enjoy my life, but no matter how happy I am, thoughts about food, body image, depression, opinions, mistakes... still fill my mind. Not many people know, but in 2015 I attempted suicide. I ran out of an appointment where I had been told I was banned from exercise, and if I didn’t gain in the next week I was to be banned from school again, both two parts of my life that I obsessively controlled. I couldn’t cope with the thoughts racing through my mind, and I needed something desperately to end them, so I attempted to run in front of a car, which thankfully braked. I’m still very confused about memories/experiences from this part of my life, but I do know I wasn’t 100% dedicated to killing myself; I just couldn’t handle the thoughts anymore. Afterwards, I felt awful. I had not taken into account the future and feelings of the people behind the wheel, or my friends and family. I felt selfish. The guilt made me feel worse. •
So why am I sharing this? Suicide is NOT selfish. When someone commits suicide they are relieving their mind from excruciating thoughts, that otherwise can not be removed from their mind. Of course, they consider family and friends and witnesses, but the guilt only makes them feel more suicidal. However, in that moment, it is just a quick flash of a thought; the majority is an overwhelming mental pain they can’t handle any longer. •
I hope this has helped some of you to understand suicide better, and if any of you would like to share your own thoughts on suicide, please COMMENT below, so hopefully this caption and comment section can help to raise awareness and understanding of suicide for those reading 💛
Ma buongiorno bimbe!☀️ Come state? Che belle avventure state vivendo?
Mi sto facendo sentire pochissimo in questo periodo, lo so. Tra un viaggio e l'altro il tempo (e per certi versi anche la voglia) di stare dietro ai social è poca. Anche se sento ancora un legame fortissimo con tutte voi, anche se vi voglio tanto tanto tanto bene, non mi sento in colpa a prendermi questa piccola pausa. Sto vivendo così tanto, sto cambiando così tanto, che ho bisogno di raccoglimento, di stare con me e capire chi sto diventando. .
Sono appena tornata dal mio ultimo viaggio: Napoli! 🍕🇮🇹 con la mia compagna di università. È stata una vacanza meravigliosa: abbiamo chiacchierato tutto il tempo e riso degli autobus che non arrivavano e dei POS perennemente fuori uso, abbiamo adorato i vicoli pittoreschi, l'aroma di pizza di via dei tribunali, il calore dei napoletani e soprattutto il caffè di Roberto, il gestore del nostro B&B ❤️❤️ .
Ho avuto modo di riflettere su come ciascuno di noi, inevitabilmente, tocca la vita delle altre persone e la cambia. Tra pochi giorni partirò di nuovo e starò via per lungo tempo, ma nonostante questo, non devo temere di essere dimenticata dalle persone alle quali voglio bene. Che io lo voglia o meno, lascio una traccia nella vita degli altri: le mie migliori amiche, mia sorella, i miei genitori. Dovunque io vada, il loro affetto sarà sempre nel mio cuore. E chissà quante altre vite dovrò ancora toccare...❤️✨
Vi auguro tutto il bene del mondo. Se vi va, raccontatemi qualcosa qui sotto, nei commenti. Sapete che adoro leggervi😘 Buon ferragosto e... Alla prossima avventura☀️
Last night was fun :•) me and my friends went to a restaurant and some had food but I didn’t get anything as I ate my tea before hand as I need to be saving my money 💸😪 then we walked down to the beach which was a 10 min walk from town (so lucky to live close to a beach!) and took some nice pictures 😝. Then some other friends met us and we hung out by a park for a bit which was a 5 min walk from the beach then I rang my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to come and he did so I saw him which was nice 😽 then I went over my friends and had a sleepover and we watched a bit of a tv show and it was rly good🌹 I’m having such a good time lately I don’t want to go back to school ik A levels are gonna be so much harder than GCSE’s 😪😅 but I’ll get through it somehow💪🏽
I put up a poll to decide my toast toppings this morning and it was pretty much equal when I checked it..so I had both!! 😍🥑 Honestly missed avocado toast and I also had smooth pb with blackberries on toast as I’ve got to savour blackberry season 👏🏻
NANDOS FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT 😛😜 I had the veggie wrap AND chips cause why not both??
So my cold is slowly going away, thank god 🙌🏻 I’m also spending the night with my grandparents out on the farm tonight ☺️ it’s so nice out here, it’s definitely my favorite place in the world 🌎 I also found out that the nannup flower and garden festival is on tomorrow.... I might poke my head in for a bit in the morning and then head home to see my boy in the arvo ☺️❤️
Things aren’t perfect for me at the moment, but that’s ok, I’ll get there✌🏻💕